Product Reviews: Things That Kept Me From Death's Door

I'm being melodramatic. (I'm quite good at that.) However, I did feel like crap for this whole week, and there are a few things that have kept me going, waging the battle with my ears and sinuses. Some things, like water and toast, will not make an appearance on the list, because we all know that water is boring and toast is awesome.

1. Puffs Plus Lotion tissues (with the scent of Vicks).

I bought these because I was sick of using regular kleenex, that seriously left my nose as red and irritated as the Puffs Plus commercials cartoon noses. I chose the Vicks scent instead of plain because at the time of purchase I couldn't breathe, and I figured that any assistance would be a bonus. I do enjoy the tissues themselves, they are larger and thicker than regular kleenex and can therefore hold more snot. They are also softer, like the commercials say, which is wonderful for my poor nose. However, I do regret the Vicks scent. It actually hurts the inside of my nostrils after a while, leaving a kind of burning sensation that I can't get rid of. Due to that, I alternate between Puffs Plus and regular kleenex. Also, I feel like because Puffs Plus was more expensive, I should save it for when I REALLY need to blow my nose, to make the most of it. 3/5

2. Lucerne Triple Treat Sherbet

Sherbet has been my go-to food in times of sickness, and it never fails me. I love Sherbet. It feels good going down my scratchy throat, and it's light so it doesn't hurt my poor tummy. Plus, the combination of lime, orange, and raspberry flavours wins every time, because why only have one flavour when you can have three? 5/5

3. North and South - Elizabeth Gaskell

I recently became obsessed with the movie, so I thought I'd give the novel a try. And since I can only watch one hour of television per day lest I get an agonizing sinus headache, I needed something else to do with all my time. I'm only on chapter 27, which is about half way (this book is freaking huge), because I don't quite have the attention span for a novel, but it's an okay read. If I didn't already have images in my mind from the movie, I think I would be confused about who and what she's talking about, and sometimes there are really long, boring speeches. Plus it's almost too heavy for my poor sickly arms to hold up. 3/5

4. Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup

I'm not really a soup person, but I recalled soup being a good sore-throat food. I don't like vegetables in my soup, and chicken noodle is the only kind of soup I like, so I had to get little kid soup - the only one without carrots or rice. (Come on. Rice? In soup? Barf.) The can advertises fresh noodles, but I found them to have a weird, soggy texture, and they were too long for my spoon so I kept getting spoonfuls of broth, which is lame. Also, the chicken pieces were SUPER suspect. 1/5

5. Facebook

Without the option of television, and taking into consideration my attention span, the internet is a good choice for me. However, going on Facebook 17 times a day leads me to discover that nobody updates anymore. Come on, guys; I'm bored. Entertain me with stuff. 2/5

6. Tylenol Cold and Sinus

I didn't think they were doing anything for me until I didn't take them for a day, and I felt even more awful than I did before. They didn't really do anything for my sinuses (antibiotics FTW in that respect, Clarithromycin 5/5), but they broke my fever and kept my headaches at bay. I'm pretty sure that all "Cold and Sinus" meds contain exactly the same ingredients (Mom and I compared Contac Complete and Tylenol: samesies), except that Tylenol has a pleasant minty taste. So it's your choice, really. 4/5

7. Minute Maid Orange Punch

"No, Dad, I want orange PUNCH. Not orange juice. I want the one with all the sugar." I dislike orange juice, probably because it's healthy and stuff, but I am a fan of the orange punch. It's so sweet and yummy. I've heard that hot drinks are better for colds than cold drinks, but I get really bored of drinking, so my hot drinks get cold pretty fast and then they are gross. I contribute my improving ability to swallow to this punch. Although it doesn't taste good when it gets to room temperature, so include some ice cubes. Bonus: mix with some Gingerale. Good times. 5/5


I don't know if this was as fun for you as it was for me, but humour me. I'm high on antibiotics and juice.

Our Finest Hour Arrives

Tomorrow's going to be a big day, you guys! I'm going to wear my jeans and a real shirt (instead of my PJ's that I've been wearing for a week), and my mom's going to drive me to the library (because the last time I tried to drive myself somewhere I almost passed out) and I'm going to pick up some stuff they have on hold for me, and then I'm going to put away all the clothes that are strewn about my room! Then I'm probably going to need a nap.

Wish me luck!

Force From the World a Patient Smile

Everyone has different sides to them, but what do you do when you don't actually like some of those sides? Sometimes I'm too shy, too socially awkward, too busy feeling sorry for myself. Sometimes my imagination goes out of control and I grow these ridiculous hopes for things that will never, ever happen, but a part of me still goes on hoping and then I'm wildly disappointed. I have a picture in my head of the kind of person I would like to be, but I don't know how to get there.

Whenever I think about this, I'm reminded of a scene in the 2005 version of Pride and Prejudice, where socially awkward Darcy says, "I'm not in the habit of conversing easily with people I have not met before." Elizabeth unsympathetically replies, "Why don't you take your aunt's advice and practice?"

I would like to practice. I think that one of the ways to become a different person is to act like that person, and then eventually the acting will become real. But is that the case? How long will it take for the acting to become genuine, and in the interim will I be nothing but the oft-hated poser type? I don't want to just accept that it's difficult for me to hold a conversation, that often people don't notice me because I blend in to the background, but I don't know how to take a proactive stance and change it. If I took the "practice" route, I wouldn't even know how to practice.

So maybe that takes the dilemma out of the situation. I don't know how to pose as a conversation-savvy, always-confident individual, so I can't fake it. Maybe I'm just stuck being the person I am, with sides I don't like, and I just have to accept that.

Let the World Spin Outside My Door

One of the worst things about being sick is the night time, because I've been sleeping all day so my brain is like, "Uh, I don't need any more of that," and I lie awake for hours. Or else both my nostrils plug at the same time and I can't breathe except through my mouth, and for some reason I can't fall asleep with my mouth open. Or else I keep erupting in giant sneezes and jolting myself awake. In sum: night time sucks.

However, for some magical reason, last night I went to bed at 10:07 after watching the American Idol finale, and this morning I woke up at 6:15. Not only is this amazing because it was unexpected (I had my laptop and a few books and two kleenex boxes at my bedside to pass the time), but because that never happens to me, even when I'm healthy. For some reason, a random interaction of things (hopefully not a potentially lethal combination of my antibiotics and Tylenol Cold and Sinus) bestowed upon me a whole night of blissful rest - no plugged nostrils, sinus headaches, snotty sneezes, or dry coughs.

I emerged from my room and stationed myself on the couch in my fuzzy blanket with some hot chocolate, and heard the morning birds and saw blue sky out the window, and was all of a sudden filled with a great optimistic feeling. Sure, both my nostrils are presently plugged AND leaking snot (how does that happen at the same time?), and I feel like I can't quite catch my breath, and there's drama in the sky with clouds slowly overtaking the blue, but I woke up feeling good and I'm going to try to hold on to that as long as possible.

Commercial Break for Awesomeness

This one came out a few years ago, and I fell in love with the song. Once upon a time I found the sheet music for it, but I think it's lost now. Plus I don't have a piano anymore, so what would I do with the notes if I had them?

I Know, Let’s Rest and Drink Lots of Fluids (go to bed part 3)

Me: Not everybody's as good of kids as you guys are.

Mom: ...

Me: Does that make sense? I'm sick. Not everybody's as good of kids as you guys are. Not everybody's as ... What?

Mom: I think you should go to bed.

The DOs and DON'Ts of May Long Weekend Camping: Part Two

I don't know if it was the cold, or the smoke inhalation, or the lack of good nutrition (Corn Pops and Pop Tarts, yum), but I appear to have caught the plague. It's a terrible way to spend a day off, but I am thankful that it happened after I got home from camping instead of while I was out in the bush. Can't you imagine how much fun I would have been?

DO pack clothing for every imaginable weather pattern.

I was only camping for two days, but during that time it rained, was beautifully sunny, snowed, and hailed dramatically. As a person who deeply enjoys weather, I loved it all. (Especially the fact that the rain only lasted for a few minutes before being blown away.) However, my infatuation with the fluctuating weather may not have survived had I not been wearing twenty layers of clothing plus a rain coat.

DON'T forget to consider how the materials of your sleeping bag and mattress will interact.

This sounds silly, but my slippery sleeping bag and slippery mattress combined with a slight incline of a tent is not an effective combination when it is - 15 degrees outside. I kept waking up being freezing cold and scrunched into the bottom of the tent because my stupid sleeping bag slipped down throughout the night. I was insanely jealous of my tent partner, who had a foam mattress and a sleeping bag made of some sort of cloth material, causing her to remain in place while I sunk down like a fool.

DON'T get so emotionally invested in a card game that you forget who your friends are.

We played the Bean Game, which is one of my most favourite games, but unfortunately I let some underhanded maneuvers negatively affect my attitude towards games for the weekend. At one point during the game, I was so angry I actually felt my ears growing hot. Naturally, this led me to say no the next time I was asked to play; I didn't fly into a rage again, but I did sit at the campfire by myself like a loser while the rest of my friends had a blast playing games. Sometimes I don't make any sense.

DO something physically active at least once a day.

Before we left I was assured that there would be no hikes (I am notoriously bad at hikes). However, I learned that walks can very easily turn into hikes without anyone noticing but me - a good strategy for this is to create or point out some sort of photo op in the middle of a giant hill, and then you have time to recuperate without everyone knowing how out of shape you are! (I need to get back in to that skipping thing I tried once.)

DON'T be surprised by the conversations that emerge around the campfire.

It all comes back to the campfire. Conversations ranging from how many people could fit into a pair of super stretchy pants to aliens to theological issues, people passing around candy and spitz and homemade cookies, Ladies Book Club (even though I didn't really participate in this last one - I tried, but always ended up staring into the fire instead)... I miss the campfire. Even though I think it gave me a sinus infection.


The verdict: I am glad I went, and I think I would go again - except next time I will bring a gas mask and a non-slippery sleeping bag. Thumbs up for May Long Weekend.

The DOs and DON'Ts of May Long Weekend Camping: Part One

DO bring some sort of plastic face shield to protect yourself from the campfire. (A gas mask, for example.)

People will give you funny looks, but trust me: you need the protection. When we stopped at DQ in Merritt on the way back I had to blow my nose because it had been runny since that morning, and my snot was BLACK. For serious. I thought I had a horrible disease for a millisecond, and then remembered that basically all I did for two days was sit in front of a campfire inhaling ash and smoke. Don't get me wrong - the campfire is my number one favourite part of camping. Campfires are phenomenal. I would never say a bad word about a campfire. I'm just saying: be prepared.

DON'T eschew water consumption because the outhouse is disgusting.

I think that is the seed that grows the kidney failure. Honestly, I didn't not drink water on purpose, and I am super proud of myself for actually using the outhouse instead of just holding it all weekend (which I did once; true story), and the outhouses were not actually that bad. But still - an outhouse will never be one of my favourite things, and I would rather use a gas station bathroom than an outhouse, but it's not good for a body to reduce water intake the way I reduced my water intake. Maybe that's why I am sick as a dog right now. That and the smoke.

DO bring medical supplies of all sorts.

You can never tell what is going to happen in the wilderness, so it's best to be filled to the brim with polysporin and bandaids. Today around the campfire I noticed a mysterious bloody indent in my finger, and when I was scrubbing camping off my body after I got home I noticed a bruising scrape on my shin and a cut on that webby part between thumb and forefinger. Of course, you need to be aware of your audience if you're going to ask for medical attention: when I noticed the injury on my finger, I got no sympathy whatsoever because I was sitting between a girl who sliced the tops of her fingers off on a razor and a guy who nearly punctured his kidneys by falling off a log.


There will be more to this at a later time, but right now I am exhausted and need to sleep in my warm, solid, unmoving bed and hopefully wake up without this sinus infection I am growing. It kind of sounds like I had a bad time, but that is not the case and there will be fun stories because it was a good time! I'm pretty sure that I am not a camper at heart, but I am proud of myself for going. Thumbs up for personal growth.

Shadow Walks Faster Than You

Lately I've been feeling really discouraged about my job situation. I had an interview for a high school position at a private school about a month ago, and I found out recently I did not get it. (Probably due to my stammer in response to questions like "Do you believe Adam and Eve were actual historical figures?" What's the intelligent thing to say when you have LITERALLY NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT THAT BEFORE. And what does that have to do with teaching.) Many friends on facebook update statuses regularly with teaching jobs they've gotten or are dreading or are thankful to have, and sometimes it hurts my heart.

However, randomly in Randomville I received two random phone calls. (If you say that word enough times, it stops sounding like a real word. I guess that is true of all words. Like fork, and your own name.) First, a private elementary school would like me to be a TOC in a grade two classroom two Mondays from now (Holy Call In Advance, Batman), and the principal of a school I applied to in Campbell River called to see if I was still interested in a job there. I immediately accepted the TOC gig, thankful for my Sylvan experience with tiny children, and now am pondering the thought of moving to Campbell River for year to teach math. (I say again: MATH.) The principal called to see if I was still interested (yes) and if I would be vehemently opposed to being a math teacher (... no. After some consideration.) and will call again in a few weeks with more details.

I've become accustomed to "I'll call in a few weeks" meaning "I'll let you know as soon as we agree you are not needed here," so I'm trying not to be too optimistic. Plus, moving to Campbell River? Logically, there is no point in thinking about it until I hear back from the principal. (Logically, logically. Not one of my many virtues.) So until then... I will be excited for grade two!

Feel the Waltz, Feel the Waltz

I spent the whole morning cleaning my room. This included vacuuming, which is something I have not done in a long time. Surprisingly good exercise, that vacuuming. Especially when you are vacuuming to get rid of potential insects that may or may not be leaving bites on your legs in the middle of the night. (This is one of the things I am most afraid of and grossed out by. I didn't find any actual bugs, and my bites might be a result of all the time I've been spending outside, but still. I just want to make sure.)

Somehow it happened that I am going camping this weekend. I haven't been camping in about five years, and that time I did it all wrong. I went for too many days, slept in a van with someone who snored, and didn't bring enough books. This time I'm going to be more prepared. Things I am worried about: rain, not being able to sleep, getting eaten by a bear, being left alone at camp while everyone else goes hiking. Things I am looking forward to: reading, campfire, old friends. I think that by the time Friday comes, I will have changed my mind about going several times, because I'm not obligated to go; however, I am starting to see it as a challenge to myself. Last week I went to a concert, this week I am going camping. Next week I might do something even more crazy, like use the kayak that's been sitting in my garage for a month. Who knows.

Mr. Sunshine in the Afternoon

There is an influx of produce in my house suddenly. I ate a bunch of fruit on my deck in shorts in the sunshine with sunscreen on, so I definitely feel like it is summer. If only summer would remain at this temperature, I would be a happy clam. However, due to our penchant for destroying the world in the form of global warming, probably it will be 45 degrees for most of August, with a chance of snow in late July. Also it is supposed to rain next week, which is upsetting because I feel cheerful again, and I'm pretty sure it's because of the sun. I will leave a bunch of jars out this evening, catch the essence of summer, and then inhale it in moments of rainy desperation. I'm sure that plan will be a success.

Also, the kids at work are nuts. In a hilarious sort of way.

"Snakes can't eat ice cream! They don't have hands!"

"When we play hangman, who are we hanging?"

"Didn't you say you were doing something exciting today?"
"No, that was just a contract with my lover that I invented in 1901."

"I'm not going to become a teenager - I'm Catholic."

Words Float out Like Holograms

Two of the books I've read in the past couple of days have mentioned Archduke Franz Ferdinand. His name, assassination, and the subsequent WWI are pretty much the only things I remember from History class in high school, except for a board game my friend and I made about concentration camps. (I know way too much about concentration camps for a person of such delicate sensibilities.) I feel like this is a meaningful coincidence, except I don't know what for. What could these books possibly be trying to tell me. (It's like that time many, many years ago, when all I heard about was Fresno, California. It seemed like everyone and their moms were talking about Fresno and I was intrigued. What's so great about Fresno? Aren't there other wonderful places in California? I don't like California anymore, anyway. I had a bad experience.)

Moving along. Whilst reading I discovered two more things: I enjoy novels with footnotes, and I am losing the ability to experience things. I start a book and find myself hurrying along so I can find out what happens at the end and be finished. When did this happen? Reading is one of my favourite things! I also noticed it when I went to the tulips, and when I waited in line for two hours to get into the Art Gallery for free. I can't just look at stuff. How do normal people do it? I don't know what my internal monologue is supposed to be while I am looking at stuff. If I can't interact with it, or explore it, or learn something from it, I don't know what to do with it. I find this troubling.

Everyone's a Winner at Something (go to bed part 2)

Me: Hey, did you know that the Nobel Prize has no logo? Why do you think it doesn't have a logo? But there's a logo here on the website. That's stupid. Obviously it has a logo. Why would they say there was no logo when there is clearly a logo right here? I thought these were the smart people?

Mom: Go to bed.

Until a Quieter Time

Lately I have taken to pretend punching my dog in the face. (PRETEND.) He always acts super offended and barks at me, jumping up and trying to bite my hand off. I am comforted by the fact that if anybody actually tries to punch my dog in the face, he will know what to do.

I've been in a foul mood, generally speaking, for a week or so. I thought it sprung from changing my sleeping pattern from ambitious waking-up-at-7-am-in-case-of-TOC-call to a more realistic waking-up-at-8-am-because-I-am-not-nuts. The line between cheerful and grouchy may lie betwixt those morning hours. However, now I am worried that my sleeping pills are altering my moods and I'm going to turn in to a serial killer. I've exhausted (pun) all other natural sleep aids, and my doctor said these are okay - he said I could take three, and I only take one. Probably I should be fine. But if you see me with a murderous glint in my eye, please remove all weaponry from the vicinity and escort me to the doctor. (Thanks in advance.) In the meantime, I will perhaps compromise with myself and aim for a 7:30am awakening and see if that has any affect* on things.

(*I googled it: affect = a verb meaning "to influence;" effect = a noun meaning "result/to bring about".)

City Nights are Full of Colours

Once upon a time I went to a Newsboys concert. Somebody in charge of something apparently had a brain lapse, and thought that it would be a great idea to house the concert in a black air dome in the middle of August. Thusly, the whole time I literally thought I was going to die from heatstroke. People kept touching me and they were sweaty and sticky and I wanted to punch them. I needed one of those forcefields of electricity to protect myself from jumping, wet, gross people, but that technology doesn't exist yet. (OR DOES IT? Somebody hook me up.)

Needless to say, that was 12 years ago and I have not been to a concert since. Except! For last night. (See, I can evolve.) A friend and I went to see The Zolas, a great band from Vancouver, at St. James Hall in Kitsilano. I became obsessed with this band a few months ago, so much so that I vowed to attend a concert they put on if they ever had one. Which they did! Obviously.

It was a great concert, although I don't have much to compare it to - it was in a small venue which I liked, and their t-shirts were cheap, and I got a free button! My friend encouraged me to steal the concert poster from the front door, which I did, so last night was growth in many aspects - a concert attendee once more, and a law-breaker!

I wanted a picture with the band, but that didn't work out, and I am trying not to be disappointed. They sang almost all of my favourite songs, and they put on a really good show. They actually opened for another band, Brasstronaut, who were also good but not quite as good. My friend and I developed a code word in case we didn't like them, so we could dash out the door without blatantly stating THIS BAND SUCKS. We made it about 5 songs in before the HEAT* and the DYING OF THIRST finally got to us, and then we walked to Subway and drained them of all their beverages. Then I stepped in foamy barf, because we thought it was snow.

*Are all concerts just hot? Is that a thing that happens with concerts? While we were waiting for The Zolas to come on, two people were commenting on that same observation:

Person 1: It's hot in here.
Person 2: It's a church.

As if that had anything to do with it. Also - PLAID. PLAID PLAID PLAID raybans tights and fedoras. My friend and I were the hipster fashion police and made fun of nearly everyone there because of their ridiculous outfits. What happened to wearing normal clothes? Did that suddenly become lame?

IS IT TIME YET (go to bed part 1)

Me: Do you think that because I haven't heard from them it means I'm not going to get that job?

Mom: They said two weeks.

Me: When did I go there?

Mom: One week ago. It has not been two weeks. One week is half of two weeks.

Me: But -

Mom: No. Go to bed.

Wait by the Window

I saw this yesterday and my heart nearly burst from joy. The poster of it has been added to the list of Things I Will Buy When I Win The Lottery Or Get A Full Time Job.

I'm waiting for a package again. I should probably stop ordering things from the internet, since it takes FOREVER to get stuff. Alternately, I could spend the waiting time building a teleportation device, either to bring the item to myself, or to get and retrieve it. Teleportation is one of the future technologies I am most excited about, except that it would ruin singing in the car. Sometimes, nothing beats singing in the car.

Holy crap THUNDER! Thunder just happened just now! And now some hail. Excuse me while I go stand outside in my bare feet with a mug to catch hail. (I feel badly for loving something that my dog hates so much, but THUNDER! And HAIL! Unexpected weather! Best day ever. Plus I think I just made a rhyme.)

Shrunk, Stretched, Scratched and Stuffed into a Teapot

Reasons Why I Dislike 3D:

1. It's more expensive in the theatre.

2. The glasses look stupid, especially on top of my already glasses.

3. It takes like half an hour to get used to how things look, so I miss the beginning of the movie figuring out how to see.

4. I expect parts of the movie to come jumping out at my face, but they do not.

5. Once you finally get used to it, it looks no different than regular movie, because of Reason 4.

6. It's stupid.

Those are my thoughts. I just (finally) saw Alice in Wonderland (in 3D), which I loved, except for stupid 3D part. My dad said they are coming out with 3D televisions, which worries me, due to my disdain for 3D. I wish they would stop making new stuff like that. I like my old stuff. I don't want to have to rebuild my DVD collection with stupid 3D DVDs. Nevertheless, I pocketed my 3D glasses instead of putting them in the receptacle outside the theatre.

I have an insect bite on the back of my knee. Hopefully it doesn't grow to consume my leg from thigh to ankle, like it did that one other time.

Commercial Break for Awesomeness

I know this has been making its way around Facebook for a while, but I am in love with this commercial. I love the wings, and the sparkles, and the music, and usually by the end I'm a little choked up because of how dramatic and incredible it is. If I didn't always wear my seatbelt anyway, I would be a seatbelt convert.