how to not: pour out the contents of your heart

It may surprise you to know that I have BOLDLY and SHAMELESSLY told a few, if not several, boys that I liked them. GASP. I know. I'm so shy. But I have layers. However, as my facebook relationship status is still single (I think, I don't know if that's still a thing that is on my facebook page), obviously I didn't do it right. Sometimes it feels like 99% of the people I know are married, so these instructions will not apply to you, but in case that that is a slight exaggeration I present to you:

HOW TO NOT: Pour Out the Contents of Your Heart

1. Write them a note! Also, pass it through as many people as possible so that if their answer to the all important "Do you like me check yes or no" query is a heart-breaking NO, EVERYBODY will know about it!

2. If a boy you like writes you a note asking you to the dance, reply "YES" with LITERALLY A MILLION exclamation marks so that he knows exactly how you feel and becomes instantly overwhelmed by the power of your affections. That way, when it comes to the actual dance, he'll be too weirded out to actually dance with you. That's how these things are supposed to go, you know.

3. Send him a secret candy-gram at school (or work, for the grown-ups), signed "Your Secret Admirer." But don't leave it at that; who wants mystery? Tell your friend to tell him it was you! For added effect, volunteer to sell tickets at his school concert (or concert concert, for the grown-ups) so that he gets the impression you follow him around everywhere. It's super effective.

4. Wait until you've spent a lot of time being good friends, then ambush him as he is about to leave a building and confess it all! If you time it so you come in as he is trying to exit, he will have nowhere to go and will be forced to listen to all your words.

(Sometimes, when I think about a lot of the things that I have done, I seem a teeny tiny bit like a psychopath.)

how to not: forty winks

There is a ton of stuff I'm super bad at. Each time I try something for the first time, I go into it wildly optimistic that in this new task lies my heretofore unknown magic awesome talent. Usually I am wrong. (See: bowling, darts, kayaking, scrapbooking, etc etc etc.) However, there is one thing that I am THE WORST AT. If you think you are the worst at this thing, I tell you you are wrong. I am the worst. I have been the worst at this since the day I was born: sleeping.

It takes me a million billion years to fall asleep, I wake up seventeen thousand times during the night, and I'm wide awake ages before my alarm goes off. When I get out of bed my whole body hurts because my muscles are all, "Hey, let's contort into weird positions for hours at a time," and then I'm tired and sore all day. Faulty brain wiring is probably part of the problem, but my own stupidity is at fault for some of it. And because I am a benevolent individual, I am going to use this to help you! You're welcome.

HOW TO NOT: Forty Winks

1. Eat a bunch of food before you go to bed. Preferably chocolate cake. (With real cocoa, mind you. Otherwise why even bother.)

2. Watch television in a reclined position on a soft couch. It won't take long to train your body that this position does not mean it's time to sleep, so don't be discouraged if you still sleep well after the first time or two. Bonus: make sure you're watching really intense murder mysteries and/or creepy scary shows that will haunt you when you turn out the lights.

3. When you're finally in bed, don't close your eyes immediately. Read a book! It has to be a really good one, or it doesn't count. Preferably one that will draw you in, forcing you to continue turning pages long after your brain has given up deciphering the words. If reading's not for you, turn on the good ol' laptop computer. Make sure it's on it's brightest setting. The best websites to look at are ones with lots of images that you scroll through really fast, thus preventing your eyes from powering down. If you want to be a pro, DO BOTH. Read a book and THEN go on the computer! All while in your bed, mind you. That's probably the most important thing to remember.

4. Start sleeping on your back, but after a few minutes or hours change to your stomach. Then switch over to your side, and for a dramatic finish, maneuver so you are HALF on your side, HALF on your stomach. It's the best.

5. Check the clock every few minutes to ensure you know how much sleep time you're wasting. Even better: turn it so the neon numbers are blazing right in your eyeballs.

And that's pretty much all you need to know to be as bad at sleep as me.