the key to success

Behold my all-time fantastic never-fail strategy:

I'm a pro at applying this to basically all situations.

1. Babies. Everyone gushes over babies. I don't know what to do with them and they are so soft and bendy that I worry about damaging them. Don't give me the baby. I won't even look at the baby.

2. My job. As a Teacher-On-Call, there's so much uncertainty! Sometimes I know where I'm going the day before, but you guys, sometimes I don't. It's all very unsettling. So hey! I wish the phone would never ring. I can't plan and I don't know if it's going to be a good day or not, so let's just not even try.

3. Handsome fellows. Is there a handsome fellow in the vicinity? He probably won't be interested in me. I can't think of anything to say. Don't make eye contact with the fellow. If he tries to speak to me (which he won't), politely answer in as few words as possible, a la conversation with old person who remembers you from when you were this tall but you have no idea who they are.

4. Junk that needs to be cleaned up. Is there crap in a room that is causing a tripping hazard? Might it be somewhat important crap, or something I might need in five years or possibly never? Shove it in a box and shove the box in the closet. Bring it along when I move because there's nothing else to do with it. Bring it along again when I move again.

5. Talking to people. I am so bad at this. Even with my own family! Everybody got together for my grandma's birthday last week, and instead of talking to people I sat in a chair with my uncle and we both eavesdropped on other people's conversations. 

You should all try it.

how to not: pour out the contents of your heart

It may surprise you to know that I have BOLDLY and SHAMELESSLY told a few, if not several, boys that I liked them. GASP. I know. I'm so shy. But I have layers. However, as my facebook relationship status is still single (I think, I don't know if that's still a thing that is on my facebook page), obviously I didn't do it right. Sometimes it feels like 99% of the people I know are married, so these instructions will not apply to you, but in case that that is a slight exaggeration I present to you:

HOW TO NOT: Pour Out the Contents of Your Heart

1. Write them a note! Also, pass it through as many people as possible so that if their answer to the all important "Do you like me check yes or no" query is a heart-breaking NO, EVERYBODY will know about it!

2. If a boy you like writes you a note asking you to the dance, reply "YES" with LITERALLY A MILLION exclamation marks so that he knows exactly how you feel and becomes instantly overwhelmed by the power of your affections. That way, when it comes to the actual dance, he'll be too weirded out to actually dance with you. That's how these things are supposed to go, you know.

3. Send him a secret candy-gram at school (or work, for the grown-ups), signed "Your Secret Admirer." But don't leave it at that; who wants mystery? Tell your friend to tell him it was you! For added effect, volunteer to sell tickets at his school concert (or concert concert, for the grown-ups) so that he gets the impression you follow him around everywhere. It's super effective.

4. Wait until you've spent a lot of time being good friends, then ambush him as he is about to leave a building and confess it all! If you time it so you come in as he is trying to exit, he will have nowhere to go and will be forced to listen to all your words.

(Sometimes, when I think about a lot of the things that I have done, I seem a teeny tiny bit like a psychopath.)

now that i've figured it out i'll disappear forever

Remember that one time when some dude on the fourth floor randomly dragged me into a conversation about cruise ships, and I was horrendously awkward about the whole thing, and then was inadvertently possibly rude by leaving when he might have been in the middle of saying something? I met him again! He recognized me in the dark as the Cruise Ship Girl. (Or maybe that's all he ever talks about.) He said, "You just missed a cruise ship!" as I was coming in and he was going out. I definitely kept my cool and talked about the cruise ship that I'd seen a few days ago on a walk with Charlie, which prompted the neighbour to speculate on the correlation between cruise ship size and wealth of passenger. We definitively ended the conversation this time, then went our separate ways.

There is also my next-door neighbour, who I am always superbly awkward around; we have graduated to having two fully normal, non-painful conversations! (Except for one time when he mentioned that the house he is moving to has a suite for his mom who has early dementia, and I said, "Nice!" and as soon as he left I was worried that he thought I was a huge jerk and was saying nice to his mom having dementia, when in fact I was saying nice to that the house has a suite for her. But since we've had conversations since and he hasn't glared at me for being a horrible person who thinks it's nice to have dementia, I don't think he misconstrued what I was trying to say.)

Then just now I came in from Charlie playing with another neighbour's dog, and it came up in conversation with the neighbour that I was moving shortly, and he said he and his wife will miss me!

I'm kind of upset that I've figured out how to be a good neighbour and talk to strangers JUST AS I AM MOVING AWAY. Timing is not my strong suit.

naturally this happened

I was in the midst of some correspondence when there was a sprightly knock at my door. I froze, fingers hovering over keys, momentarily forgetting where I was and wondering if I was expecting company. I instantly recalled that I never receive company because I don't really have any chairs, and went to go investigate.

The doorbell rang as I walked down my oddly long entrance hall. A persistent someone was on the other side of the door. And due to a major flaw in my front door (namely, the peep hole is only usable if you are seven feet tall or have go-go-gadget legs and/or neck), I flung open the door to what could very well have been a crazy homeless murderer.

Thankfully, it was no such murderer; it was only my next door neighbour, with whom I have shared some stilted conversations because I no longer possess the ability to talk to other people.

"Why, hello," I said suavely. "And how do you do this evening?"

"Good evening," he said charmingly. "It's your neighbour! Might I be so bold as to say, you look lovely."

"This old thing?" I asked, glancing down at the sequined ball-gown I wear when lounging about the house. "You're too kind."

We both chuckled at my wit. We then proceeded to engage in meaningful conversation about a broad assortment of topics, which concluded with a comment from him on how wonderful it was to speak so easily with someone as eloquent as I. Another chuckle, and we parted ways.

Just kidding. I fully stumbled awkwardly through a strange conversation about him moving out because he bought a house so maybe I wanted to rent his apartment instead of mine because his has bamboo floors. I was going to wash my hair post-writing-email, so it was all greasy and messy and shaped like a hat because I'd previously been wearing a hat. I'd just returned from walking Charlie, so where I wished for a ball gown in actuality it was sweatpants and a baggy shirt and I was probably sweaty. I wasn't even wearing my pretty glasses! I was wearing my ugly glasses! I never wear my ugly glasses!

I get the feeling that I'm kind of doomed, here.

the worst at meeting new people: episode 503

I think that living on my own has caused me to lose the ability to converse with people. Witty banter and polite small talk have DIED INSIDE ME.

The scene: taking Charlie out for his business. (Also cleaning out my car, finally. I am very proud of that.) Minding my own beeswax as I nonchalantly walk towards the gate for my building.

Some dude: Hey, you can see the cruise ship going by.

Me: (since I don't know this dude, and he's standing on his fourth-floor balcony so he could be talking to ANYONE) Huh?

SD: There's a cruise ship going by. It's beautiful! Can you see it?

Me: (figuring that he is talking to me, straining my neck to see the ship; since I'm on the ground, all I see is buildings) No.

SD: Oh, it's really neat. You can see them go by all summer.

Me: (realizing with a sinking feeling that I've been sucked into conversation with a stranger about something I can't see) Oh, I didn't know they went by here.

SD: (incredulous) The CRUISE ships?

Me: (defensively) I'm new in town. I don't know anything. (FACT: this is a lie. I say that to excuse myself when I don't know about something I'm supposed to know about. It works always.)

SD: I was new two years ago, I see them all the time.

At this point our painful conversation seems to die, so I watch Charlie for a minute and wait for the dude to say something else. There is silence for a moment, so I go inside. BUT THEN, I think I hear him say something! Something that could be, "My name is blah blah, what's yours?" but since I was already on my way inside, I IGNORED him! What is WRONG with me. Couldn't I have let Charlie sniff the grass for a few moments longer just to be SURE he was done talking to me? I am so bad at normal human things.

that was not what i meant at all

It was English class. The students were diligently (ha) copying notes down from the overhead while I readied the projector to demonstrate the Write Trait of Voice by playing radically different versions of the same song. ("High and Dry" - Radiohead, Jamie Cullum, Emily Osment.) "Pay attention, you guys," I was saying, typing the address for good ol' faithful youtube into the address bar. "This is going to be exciting."

Now, we've all mis-typed an address into the address bar, right? Forget a letter here or there, press 'enter' before you're actually finished typing, that sort of thing. None of these have caused the end of the world before. You might get a "Page Not Found" error, or realize your mistake before the internet has finished loading the wrong page and correct it in time. In the case of Google, you might even end up at the page you intended because the site you were trying to get to has foreseen this type of difficulty and wants to spare you the trouble of typing correctly.

A thousand times I have done something similar. This is the first time I have done it in front of 24 twelve year olds. The first time. AND THE WORST TIME.

Do you know where "youtube.com" takes you if you forget the first letter? I will tell you. To a porn site. A PORN SITE. In the middle of English class. In a Christian school! In front of twelve year olds! A PORN SITE!

Luckily, due to some miracle or extreme coincidence, I didn't have the projector on at that moment. The computer was on, but facing my desk where the EA was sitting. "OH MY GOODNESS!" I shouted, as he burst out laughing. "THAT WAS NOT WHAT I MEANT AT ALL."

"What, Miss W.?" the darling, curious children asked. "What happened?"

"NOTHING HAPPENED!" I stammered, my face burning with embarrassment and awkwardness. "EVERYTHING IS FINE."

"Did you go somewhere bad?" the dear ones persisted. "Where did you go?"

"Nowhere. Watch this video," I commanded, turning the projector on and continuing on with class.

A PORN SITE. In ENGLISH CLASS. COME ON.

civil war on my foot

Some dude in a pick-up truck has been parking in my spot. The first day when I came home from work I stopped in the middle of the road without even making sure there was nobody behind me, because I was so surprised. He remained there for two days, and at that point I called the guy in charge of the building. "Uh," I said (because I always get really awkward when talking to the guy in charge of the building), "there's been a truck in my spot for two days." I hastened to add that I met some guy by the mailbox who was new, and I thought it might be him, and he just didn't know about the spots, because I didn't want him to get towed.

(Interesting side note: I am the worst at meeting new people unexpectedly. The guy said, "Hi, I'm new." I said, "Hi! What floor are you on?" He said, "Third." I said, "Oh, I'm on the second. Well, nice to meet you!" Like, seriously, of all the things to ask a new person, I inquired as to what FLOOR he lived on? And then I think I came off like he wasn't as cool as me, because he lived on the lame third floor. I'm so terrible at people.)

Anyway, so the guy in charge of the building said he would take care of it the next day, which was Sunday, but yesterday he still didn't do anything about it. Today when I came home from work, the truck was gone, but it was GONE gone, not moved. So I parked in my spot, because it's MY SPOT, and I made sure my parking pass was displayed visibly for all to see; nevertheless, I am still worried the pick-up truck guy is a jerk and will crash into and/or key my vehicle because he thinks it's his spot.

On another note, the baby toe on my right foot is experiencing some civil conflict. The right half of the toenail would like to exit the foot, but the left half has decided to stay. The right half is catching on everything in an attempt to aid its escape. Since my baby toenails are tiny and I don't even know what job they do, I tried to help it by cutting the right half off with nail clippers. Instead of being grateful, however, the little leftover bit on the right side has become invisible so I can't see it to cut it, but it's STILL catching on things. I think what I might need to do is drop a hammer on my toe, and then the nail will FALL off and the left half and I can go on with our merry lives.

i don't know if i look younger or older

I got my hair cut last night! Now it swings above my shoulders. The lady was really chatty, which is something I dislike. They always make me take off my glasses and when I can't see it appears that I can't talk also. However, at the same time as I wish we could just be silent without seeming rude, I also feel pressed to make small talk. Small talk is also something I dislike. I end up asking questions like an idiot and babbling on about my life, sharing details that I'm pretty sure strangers don't care about. While I was in the chair I started noticing the inflection of my voice when I asked questions, and how it seemed strange and forced, and I wanted it to be normal! But when you focus on things like that, it's impossible to make them normal once you're thinking about them.

two is all you need

I finally had my wildlife moment. I was walking on the ramp towards the waiting room at the Horseshoe Bay ferry terminal, which runs along the water for quite some time, when suddenly I thought I saw something in the water. I stopped and peered closer, and indeed it was two seals! Two! Seals! Just hanging out, doing flips and stuff. I smiled the smile that I've always wanted to smile, but nobody asked me about it because they were all strangers and none of them stopped to see what I was smiling at. It's okay, though, because I saw seals. Two seals!

I also had that awkward moment in which I accidentally referred to my apartment as home. Me: "And when I get home... I mean to my apartment-" Mom: "I heard you say home." Uncomfortable silence.

I thought it would never feel like home, but I think it does now. It felt weird to leave it for a few days as I briefly sojourned HOME home. I can't imagine how attached I'll be in a few more weeks. (Except the radio sucks. There are no good radio stations. Thankfully I live five minutes from everything, so I can flip continuously between the three stations for the duration of my drive and arrive at my destination before I become annoyed.)

Tomorrow is the first day of school. My first first day of school from behind the desk! I'm a little bit scared, but it's funny because I met a few of my students last week and I keep forgetting they are just as scared of me as I am of them. I'm sure it will be fine.

Standing at the Beginning With You (Inaugural Post!)

I love that word, 'inaugural.' I so rarely get to use it. In fact, I had to google it to make sure I was spelling it correctly, that is how rarely I use it. But now I have used it twice, and I am happy.

Today marks my return to the beach with my puppy, after a brief hiatus that resulted from me not being able to drag myself out of bed at the early hour at which I set my alarm clock. Each day I would press snooze probably three times, and then just turn the thing off. Because I have no reason to be up that early, you see - it was just part of my plan to get exercise in the morning and start the day right. Plus, I love the beach. But today, I dragged myself out of bed (after only two snoozes) and drove myself and my ecstatic puppy back to the beach. The sky was filled with ominous clouds for the whole drive, until I crossed the railroad tracks into Crescent Beach, and then I was greeted with marvelous blue skies. I think the beach missed me, too.

However, I did notice that the other people at the beach were not as cheerful as I. Downcast eyes and no jaunty "Hello!", as I felt the morning deserved. Although, I just thought of this now - I have always been really bad at knowing when to make eye contact with a stranger you are passing. Like, I don't want to have a creepy staring contest with you for ten minutes as you approach... so I look elsewhere until we are almost passing and then I make eye contact and offer a greeting. Maybe I am waiting too long, and the strangers passing me today were trying to greet me at a distance and I was the one with downcast eyes, so they thought I was being a jerk! Now I feel terrible. You know how they had those cheesy etiquette books in the 40s and 50s? I wish I could find one for now that could once and for all deal with my eye contact issue. At what point is it polite, and not creepy or rude, to meet eyes with a stranger? Or maybe everyone already knows, and I'm the only one in the dark.

Anyway. There's my story for today and my first ever blog post. I don't really know if this is going to work out, but I'll give it a try! Let me know what you think.