don't even get me started

Dear cocoa:

I realize you have many friends, many passionately devoted friends, but I'm going to say this anyway. I HATE YOU. I hate you for several reasons. I'm going to make a list of these reasons.

1. One time I opened a can of you, and thought you looked delicious, like hot chocolate. So I took a spoon and scooped some of you into my mouth. YOU DO NOT TASTE LIKE HOT CHOCOLATE. I'm fairly certain I nearly died from the shock and also from how dry you made my mouth.

2. You keep too many secrets. For example, you are up to your ears in caffeine. ALL THE TIME. But you are full of sneaky caffeine, hidden inside of brownies and cake. You pull the same dirty trick over and over. No more secrets, cocoa! I'm on to you.

Those are actually all the reasons. I thought there were more, but mostly because I am SO ANGRY that you sneakily snuck in to my dessert tonight and the volume of my anger made it seem like a million reasons. Damn and blast, cocoa.

at least there's jello at the end of this story

Today was one of those that required all the strength in my bones plus more. It all started last night, you see. I was dead tired at 8:30 (Tuesdays tend to do that to me), so I optimistically crawled into bed and shut my eyes. Instantly I fell asleep, which was wonderful, but at 12:30 I woke up that kind of waking up where you are ZAP WIDE AWAKE. The second my eyes opened I began to worry about not finishing one of my Math classes on time, and teaching another class everything they need to know in time for the FSAs, and not knowing if I'm teaching English next semester, and if my gums were receding fast enough for my two front teeth to fall out, and about calling parents about interim reports, and so on. It's like it was gnawing at every synapse in my brain and I couldn't shut it off, even by counting.

I decided it was useless to try and fall asleep, so I turned on the light and read for a bit, and then I decided to take a shower because I was going to take one in the morning and if I took it at that time it would save me time in the morning. (Since sometimes showers have a wakening affect, I agonized over this decision from the moment I decided to throw off my covers to the moment when I put a towel over my pillow so my hair wouldn't soak through my pillow. But I did it anyway.) Then I perused the internet for several hours, then I read again, and then at 4:30 I fell asleep.

Then I had to wake up at 7 for work, and instead of going to staff devotions like I have done every single morning since I started, I sat at my desk, drank my coffee, and listened to dramatic instrumental music. Each of my five classes was something not quite agony, but a little bit less than that. Then I trudged to my car, went home, and had some jello.

set a fire in a blackberry field

I am so cranky right now. I was completely fine this morning, and then I was going to plan my outfit for tomorrow and realized that I couldn't find my black skirt, so I looked on all my hangers to see if I had stuck it underneath another shirt or something to save hangers, and then I pulled all my clothes out of my closet and wardrobe and STILL couldn't find it, and now all my clothes are in a pile on the floor and I am too angry to clean them up. Having a messy room also makes me angry, so every time I look in my room I get angrier. I ended up going to the store to buy a new skirt, because even if I left it at home I was excited about wearing it TOMORROW, and if I have to wait until I go back home to get it nothing I wear will feel good because I wanted to wear a specific thing. Then I have only had one favourite pair of socks my whole life, and today I had to throw them away because they spontaneously erupted in holes. Then I wanted to watch an episode of The Office with my second cup of coffee, but the DVD kept freezing and it wouldn't let me fast forward past the freezing, and it didn't fix after I tried the old pull it out and blow on it trick. I was going to take the DVD out and break it in half in righteous anger, but then realized that DVD's can't feel pain so it would only make me more upset and the DVD wouldn't understand or be hurt by it. Now I have to go to school and meet all the parents in the entire school, because it's the dedication service.

I think this probably stems from staying up last night being worried about zombies.

at least i can start suffering and write that symphony

I set a trap for my fruit flies, and I caught one after dinner today but then it escaped. Stupid fruit flies. They thwart me!

Everything came together for pictures today! I took some and posted some on my creativity blog (oh yah... I have a creativity blog. That I totally have not forgotten about.) and then some others on facebook. I tried to be all fancy with the editing, but taking pictures that look good is HARD, man! It seems like it should be easy but it is not. I took a bunch of junky ones.

I like this one, though

This one I think is good, too

This one might be too purple, if such a thing were possible

Tonight I stayed at work until almost 7 because I had a mini-melt down after school, and my wonderful work friend came to visit me and helped me make seating plans to make my hooligans more efficient. Today in one math class I banished one kid to the hall, and kept two after class. GAH! But then I found out how the laminator works, and I'm going to laminate a bunch of stuff tomorrow. That will make me feel better. And while I'm doing that I can figure out how to love my math class. I need to change what I am doing somehow, but I don't know how.

I need to pack my lunch but I don't really feel like moving. Is it Friday afternoon yet?

takes an ocean not to break

Today was a crying day. I only actually shed a tear on two occasions, but I definitely choked up way more times than that. I don't know why - maybe because I think I'm getting sick, or maybe because I wanted to finish my book last night so I stayed up until midnight. Someone needs to come visit me and take all my books away. I almost cried at the end of the day, because it was stressful and awful, and then again when the janitor told me that he'd heard one of my students telling their parents how much they loved having me as their teacher, and then again for some reason when two fire trucks went by me on the street, and when I heard on the radio about a boil water advisory for the Comox Valley. I cried for real when I was watching a documentary about Canadian comedy and the section about John Candy reminded me about my brother and how much I miss my family, and then when they did a section about Phil Hartman and I was sad that he and a bunch of other people from the documentary are dead. This is what I think: I need to stop watching documentaries about comedy because they are sad instead of funny, and I should probably go to bed right now because apparently I am not getting enough sleep.

easily a hundred times cooler than armageddon (go to bed part 4)

[apparently up too late watching Transformers brings out my sense of justice]

Me: That's not fair. The most bad guy is a jet plane and the most good guy is a semi truck! That's not equal!

Mom: It's not equal at all. Go to bed.

i tried counting sheep but there's one i always miss

I just popped in to get my sleeping pills that I forgot to take until now (fat lot of good they will do me at this point) and noticed my dog is also awake at this late/early hour. I wish brains came with a sleep button like computers do.

Then You'd Know Why I Feel Blue

I am still awake. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever sleep normally, for a bunch of hours in a row, at the appointed time. Right now it feels like that will never happen.

Today the family went to see Buddy, the musical based off Buddy Holly's life. I didn't really know anything about him, apart from a song or two I recall, probably from a movie. I should have done my research, because (spoiler alert) he died when he was really young, after only being famous for a year or so. I found this out during the intermission, and because I'd just spent an hour and a half getting to know what kind of person he was, how kind and fun and passionate he was, I got really sad. Even though it happened fifty years ago, and I didn't really know anything about him until this afternoon, the whole production was done so well and I had really gotten attached to the character (who I imagined to be the real guy, since I get sucked in like that).

When the actor who played Buddy came back on stage after the intermission, it all seemed so melancholy. The cast and story were just as energetic as before, but now I knew what was going to happen and I knew they knew what was going to happen, and the real Buddy Holly had no idea what his fate would be. The second act was a concert with Buddy, Ritchie Valens, and The Bopper, with everyone on stage doing these grand musical numbers, culminating in a dark stage, empty and black except for a spotlight on Buddy's hands on his guitar. There was a voice-over radio broadcast of Red Robinson (that man has been in showbusiness forever) making the announcement about the plane crash, which killed Buddy, Valens, and The Bopper. Then everyone came back on stage and the concert continued, with Ritchie Valens and The Bopper coming onstange to sing with Buddy; I think they were trying to end it on a high note. But it felt morbid, like it was their ghosts singing a concert in heaven or something, and I almost started crying because they were so young and happy.

I hate it when sad stuff happens in real life, and then I unknowingly watch a play about it.

Tired Out My Knees Down to the Bone

I just returned home from another trek to Campbell River, my soon-to-be-home. I was finally able to meet with the teacher I'm filling in for and get his materials, which prompted a middle of the night freak out: what am I doing? Who in their right mind hired me for this job? Why did they think I could plan these courses I've never taught before? How am I going to teach Math 9 when I don't even know how to use a graphing calculator? What am I going to do with myself in a town that only has 2 Starbuckses? (Although, on that last point, I don't even really like Starbucks anymore, and have made the transition back to Tim Hortons - of which there is one. Also, in theory I will be so busy staying ahead of the kids in Math that I won't have time to leave my apartment. Plus it's not like you'll find me club-hopping on a typical Friday night.)

Mom and I stayed with a family friend and her daughter, and I spent much of the weekend playing "I Spy" and making fairy clothing out of leaves. While that is fun in moderation (who doesn't love a good game of "I Spy"), I am super exhausted. I was literally in bed last night at 8:00pm. And right now I'm about to have a forbidden afternoon cup of coffee to keep me awake during the movie my family is going to for my mom's birthday. (Knight and Day, finally something not in 3D. I've heard it's terrible, and I'm not really fond of Tom Crazy McCrazerson Cruise, but I'm kind of looking forward to it! Naturally I will share my thoughts with you afterwards.)

Now I'm looking for apartments and my eye infection came back. I was so diligent about not wearing make-up and using those stupid drops, and my eyes were perfectly normal for a day, but this morning they were sealed shut again. Boo. But I'm going to sneak candy into the theatre! (Not that that's related in any way, or that they even bother to check anymore. I remember the old days, when they'd check your purse for contraband. Now, even if I'm wearing a giant bag with candy sticking out, they don't seem to care. It kind of takes the excitement out of it.)

While the Moon Drifts in the Skies

I put my curtains down a few nights ago because the moon was blinding me, but now I miss it. From the sliver of outside I can see through the remaining uncovered window, it's still pitch black outside, but the birds have come out which makes me feel like daytime is almost here. I also find that when I stay up too late, I get SUPER HUNGRY. It's as if there's a midnight meal time that we all just miss because we're asleep. I think it would be neat to get out of bed and eat a sandwich around the kitchen table at 3:00 in the morning, everyone blinking sleep out of their eyes and talking about what dreams they've awoken from.

Probably to people who sleep soundly that sounds like the worst idea ever. But I haven't fallen asleep yet, and I could use some company. I finished a whole book already, and tried to put comments back on my blog (I can't figure out if they work or not), and played a million games of Solitaire, and looked for places to live in Campbell River. Now all I need is a snack. Or maybe some sleep.

I Know, Let’s Rest and Drink Lots of Fluids (go to bed part 3)

Me: Not everybody's as good of kids as you guys are.

Mom: ...

Me: Does that make sense? I'm sick. Not everybody's as good of kids as you guys are. Not everybody's as ... What?

Mom: I think you should go to bed.

The DOs and DON'Ts of May Long Weekend Camping: Part One

DO bring some sort of plastic face shield to protect yourself from the campfire. (A gas mask, for example.)

People will give you funny looks, but trust me: you need the protection. When we stopped at DQ in Merritt on the way back I had to blow my nose because it had been runny since that morning, and my snot was BLACK. For serious. I thought I had a horrible disease for a millisecond, and then remembered that basically all I did for two days was sit in front of a campfire inhaling ash and smoke. Don't get me wrong - the campfire is my number one favourite part of camping. Campfires are phenomenal. I would never say a bad word about a campfire. I'm just saying: be prepared.

DON'T eschew water consumption because the outhouse is disgusting.

I think that is the seed that grows the kidney failure. Honestly, I didn't not drink water on purpose, and I am super proud of myself for actually using the outhouse instead of just holding it all weekend (which I did once; true story), and the outhouses were not actually that bad. But still - an outhouse will never be one of my favourite things, and I would rather use a gas station bathroom than an outhouse, but it's not good for a body to reduce water intake the way I reduced my water intake. Maybe that's why I am sick as a dog right now. That and the smoke.

DO bring medical supplies of all sorts.

You can never tell what is going to happen in the wilderness, so it's best to be filled to the brim with polysporin and bandaids. Today around the campfire I noticed a mysterious bloody indent in my finger, and when I was scrubbing camping off my body after I got home I noticed a bruising scrape on my shin and a cut on that webby part between thumb and forefinger. Of course, you need to be aware of your audience if you're going to ask for medical attention: when I noticed the injury on my finger, I got no sympathy whatsoever because I was sitting between a girl who sliced the tops of her fingers off on a razor and a guy who nearly punctured his kidneys by falling off a log.


There will be more to this at a later time, but right now I am exhausted and need to sleep in my warm, solid, unmoving bed and hopefully wake up without this sinus infection I am growing. It kind of sounds like I had a bad time, but that is not the case and there will be fun stories because it was a good time! I'm pretty sure that I am not a camper at heart, but I am proud of myself for going. Thumbs up for personal growth.

Everyone's a Winner at Something (go to bed part 2)

Me: Hey, did you know that the Nobel Prize has no logo? Why do you think it doesn't have a logo? But there's a logo here on the website. That's stupid. Obviously it has a logo. Why would they say there was no logo when there is clearly a logo right here? I thought these were the smart people?

Mom: Go to bed.

IS IT TIME YET (go to bed part 1)

Me: Do you think that because I haven't heard from them it means I'm not going to get that job?

Mom: They said two weeks.

Me: When did I go there?

Mom: One week ago. It has not been two weeks. One week is half of two weeks.

Me: But -

Mom: No. Go to bed.