of all the things that do not belong in my bed

One of the nice things about being a single lady with firm principles is that I get the whole bed to myself. I can flip over, kick the covers off, flip over again, yank the covers back on, punch the pillows, get rid of some pillows, add some pillows, again and again until day breaks without the worry of disturbing anyone. Sometimes, I can read a book literally all night long. LITERALLY. (And you know how I feel about the word literally.) I don't think any of those things can continue to happen if I gain a bedfellow. (Also reason #8 why my dog can't sleep on my bed even though he's a grown-up now.)

So anyway. Here I was, settling in for a night of reading until the wee hours of the morning, When Suddenly. I felt a wee tickle on my thumb and there was a speck in my peripheral vision. I was not immediately alarmed, as I commonly get specks in my peripheral vision, and I proceeded to re-locate the speck so I could follow it out of my line of vision and be done with it, until the next one comes along. (That's how I get rid of them. Floaters, I think is the scientific name?) Scanning to re-locate... scanning...

YOU GUYS. IT WAS NOT A SPECK. IT WAS AN ANT. ON MY THUMB. IN MY BED.

How To Proceed When One Discovers an Insect in One's Bed

Step 1: Immediately vacate said bed. Freak out for a bit. (Quietly, mind you. Be respectful of others in the house.) Turn on light.

Step 2: Shake out hair and clothes, scrub at skin to ensure Insect is not currently residing on one's Person.

Step 3: Silent, hysterical laughter while inspecting ceiling and windowsills for potential Insect Nests whence Insect may have sprung.

Step 4: Proceed to area with a soft space upon which One will spend the remainder of the night. Under no circumstances bring any bedding from original Bed to the new location. Who knows how many Insects are festering therein. Collect assorted pillows, blankets, etc., from elsewhere in house. Fashion a make-shift bed.

Step 5: (Optional) Lifting with One's legs, heave dog kennel (with Dog inside, bewildered) out of original Bedroom and stumble therewith to Temporary new location. Take care to avoid crashing into doorknobs, walls, and such.

Step 6: (Optional) Accidentally awaken One's Mother via Steps 4 and 5. Mother will then tuck One in to make-shift Bed, draw the curtains to block out Ambient light, kiss One upon One's head, and retire to her enviously, fortuitously Insect-Free bed.

Step 7: Sleep fitfully, if at all. All noises will be too loud. All specks, all bits of fluff from blankets etc. will be Insects. All shadows will be Monsters.

Step 8: Upon morning's merciful Arrival, wash everything and then vacuum everything also. Scan with intense precision all corners, crevices, and objects Insects might be inhabiting. Shower, lest the source be some sort of Nest in One's Hair.

Step 9: Take a really long Nap.

houseplants and photo albums are a lot of trouble

Basically I love projects. When I was in school and the teacher was like, "Hey guys here's your new project," I was usually one of the only ones going YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS because projects are one of my favourite things. (As long as I get to do them by myself. Group projects are the worst.) So I found two projects I want to do in my life, which is exciting and I am going to tell you about it, except I'm hesitant about my success because I'm really lazy.

1. THE HAPPINESS PROJECT

A little while ago, as I was driving home from Vancouver with sadness in my heart and rain on the windshield and melancholy songs on the radio all because of a boy who doesn't really matter in the end but I wanted to give you some context and a run-on sentence, I realized that I wasn't really satisfied with my life. I'm tired all the time, I'm lonely, I'm overweight, everything's awful. Luckily, instead of driving my car into the nearest body of water, I thought to myself: so fix it, stupid. Then it was exciting! I made a list of the stuff I didn't like about my life, and then I made a list of all the things I can do to fix them. Then I spent a long time using different coloured sharpies to make a chart of THINGS I WILL DO and how many days a week I will do them. It was bright and amazing.

Then I only crossed like 3 things off the list and it all petered out so that kind of stinks. But then! I got this book from the library called The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin, and she was doing EXACTLY what I wanted to do. Which was initially disappointing - if I'd been successful I could've written a book about it and been famous, but instead I failed and am not famous at all - but then was exciting again because she gives lots of good tips and strategies and has a Happiness Toolbox a person can use if they want to start their very own Happiness Project. Which I do!

Anyway, I'll have more to say on that later (just you wait!) but I know you're dying to discover what my other project is, and I want to tell you before this blog post turns into a novel.

2. WARDROBE REHAB

Confession: I'm one of those people who stares despondently at my two (TWO!) closets and whines, "I have nothing to wearrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr." (Important sidenote - one of those closets is dresses and cardigans and pants, and the other one is shirts. They are both small.) The point being, I have lots of wonderful clothes and no outfits. I don't feel stylish and put-together when I am wearing my clothes, and stylish and put-together I long to be. I look at my friends with envy because they are stylish and I feel drab. So I spent a lot of time on the internet at my new job because lots of the time I have nothing to do, and I found tons of websites just for people like me! The trouble is taking the heaps and heaps of advice and boiling it down into something manageable.

I think I have done so, however, and so the first thing I did was buy a wide, black belt. It's pretty awesome. Then I went through my closet and got rid of some stuff. Then I made a list of the things that I should have, that apparently everyone should have, and they are the ONLY things I am allowed to buy. I tell you I am already on my way to being the most stylish person you know.

Anyway. Those are my projects. I will keep you updated as you wait with bated breath for the outcomes.

so maybe speed it up a little

One of my favourite pastimes is eavesdropping. I love to sit in a crowd and listen to what everyone is saying without having to make the effort to contribute to the conversation. Digging interesting words out of my brain is exhausting. So, I guess I like eavesdropping because I'm lazy. I wonder how many of my other favourite things stem from languidness?

1) Purple: Eyes drawn to purple items from habit? Too much effort to muster up some enthusiasm for the rest of the colours?
2) Reading: A very sedentary habit. Especially because I prefer reading in a reclined position as opposed to, say, reading on a treadmill.
3) Lemon pudding: Can't be bothered to make the rest of the parts of the pie?
4) Singing in my car: I could just drive around with my mouth shut, so I think I'm probably good here. Plus, if I don't know the words I usually head-bob enthusiastically. That's basically like exercise.

I heard on the radio today that a naturally slow gait is correlated to DEMENTIA. Of course I have a naturally slow gait. I'm a lazy bum. However, a weak handshake is connected to heart disease and stroke, and I have like the best handshake of all time. I'm pretty sure that's why I've gotten all my jobs. So... I'm probably good, then. I'll just keep shaking hands firmly and everything will be fine.

the easy solution involves a hammer

So my new mouth guard and I have a terrible relationship. After I nearly barfed when they made the mold of my mouth, I thought, Hey, it probably won't get worse than this. As usual, my optimism was horribly misplaced.

WHY MY MOUTHGUARD IS THE WORST
1) It tastes like perfume, no matter how many times I soak it in stupid vinegar water.
2) It doesn't go soft and gently encase my teeth like I paid the big bucks for it to do.
3) It causes my lips to slowly part and then remain parted so as to become dry and cracked by morning.
4) It makes my face look like a duck.

Nutshell: boo mouthguard.

meet and greet inside my brain

Sometimes I feel that I have the worst brain of all the brains. It's like there's a bunch of jerks in there, and their whole job is to mess things up. I will introduce you to some of them.

JERK #1: Reconnaissance
Its job is to find stuff that I'd mercifully forgotten momentarily. But then Jerk #1 is all, "Oh, did you forget about that giant headache you had? Here, let me scour the far reaches of your brain until I find it again for you." "Hey, remember that story you read that was so awful it made you want to vomit? Don't forget about all the details, okay? Those are super important."

JERK #2: Muse
This one is bi-polar and has terrible timing. It occasionally fills me with all the good words that combine to make wonderful stories, usually just as I'm about to fall asleep. Alternately, it randomly freezes any creative inspiration and sucks me dry of words when I want them.

JERK #3: Fixation
It likes to find the stupidest, most mundane detail and grab hold of it and NOT LET GO until I want to punch someone in the face. "Hey! Hey! Someone's making gross eating sounds!" "Hey! This person breathes weird!" "Hey! This person is tapping a random beat!" "Hey! This person is jingling their keys! Listen listen!"

JERK #4: Fantasy
This one is an excellent multi-tasker. It can draw me into a book or movie so deeply that I forget to differentiate between fiction and reality; it can fill my brain with imaginary conversations or scenarios that would never actually happen that way, causing disappointment and/or unrealistic expectations; it can make me afraid of the monsters in my closet. "Listen carefully; there's a haunted ventriloquist dummy scuttling around here somewhere just waiting to rip your heart out!" "Look really closely in that darkened, empty car - a dead body is going to slowly rise from the passenger seat and lock eyes with you." "If you talk to that guy over there, this is EXACTLY how it will go! There are no other possible outcomes!"

Basically I hate them all.

o how vile a stench springs from thou, angelic beast

THINGS THAT I WOULD LIKE TO STOP HAPPENING:

- music videos that are a big long story with a bunch of talking at the beginning
- people using the words "ironic" and "literally" incorrectly
- classroom teachers thinking they are making my day easier by having it be a project work day ALL DAY
- being unable to differentiate between bored and hungry
- feeling like I need seventeen naps just to get through the day because my iron pills aren't filled with enough iron apparently
- the commercial to song ratio on the radio being like 3:2
- my ears keenly listening for the disgusting sounds people make when they eat, and then fixating on them for the entire meal until I hate everyone
- my dog's farts, especially when his bum is right by my face

well, some people use their imagination

Old, forgotten review #3.

20. Beauty and the Beast (1991) - Paige O'Hara, Robby Benson. I rented a bunch of old Disney movies from the library, and decided that since they are full of singing and dancing, they count as musicals. In this one, as I'm sure you recall, a prince gets turned into a beast because he's a big fat jerk. There's a pretty girl named Belle, whose father stumbles upon the enchanted castle, and turned into a prisoner. Belle takes his place, and falls in love with the Beast, which ends up breaking the spell and they live happily ever after.
         What I liked was nostalgia for my childhood! I watched this movie in the theatre with my family when it first came out. Also, when the Beast saves her from all the wolves, and also when he tries to eat porridge with a spoon. All the songs were fantastic, and since it was the Special Edition, I got extra songs! And, even though I was gasping and GASPING throughout the entire scene (even though I knew what was going to happen), the fight scene between the Beast and Gaston was pretty spectacular; especially the participation from the furniture. :)
       There were some things I did not like, mostly because they didn't make any sense. First of all, the Beast got his curse in the first place for being unhospitable to a stranger. So would that not, therefore, make him inclined to assist all future strangers to appear at his doorstep? When Maurice goes to the castle to escape from those blasted wolves, the Beast completely rages out and throws him in the dungeon. If I was him, my first thought would be, "Hey, maybe this dude is another sorcerer trying to see if I've become a nicer person!"
       Also, all the furniture is people now, because of the curse. There is no furniture that doesn't talk or whatever. My question is, did he not have furniture in the castle before the curse? Where is it all? There should be a great deal of furniture that does not talk, as it existed as furniture before all the staff was cursed into furniture. WHERE IS THAT FURNITURE?
       Also, there's a bit of Stockholm Syndrome going on throughout the entire thing. Which, you know, is always creepy.

things i want that are awesome

COMFY NIGHT-TIME MUSIC LISTENING!
SleepPhones - Sometimes when I sleep I encounter problems. Many of them are of my own making, but some of them are not! These include, but are not limited to, loud neighbours, other members of the household talking and/or stomping around, and BRAIN OVERLOAD THINK ABOUT ALL THE THINGS. In these cases, I dig out my ipod from my bedside table, create a playlist of awesome, mellow songs, and jam one of the headphones in my ear. I choose the headphone based on which side I feel like sleeping on at that moment, so it's not being pressed into my ear drum by my giant head - obviously, I put in the one that belongs in the ear that is exposed to the air. But I am a fickle sleeper, not loyal to any particular side, and within several minutes I usually decide I want to sleep on the OTHER side. Which means I have to search around my bed/the floor/the air between my bedside table and my mattress to find the remaining headphone, untangle the corded mess, yank the one out of my ear, and jam the other one in my other ear. SOLUTION: soft headphone-y headbanded goodness.

THE LAZY MAN'S FACE-WASH!
Cucumber Face Cloths - I like having a clean face but I hate washing my face. I have to put all my bangs away and take off  my glasses and everything. It's this huge ordeal. Plus, I need to take off my eye make-up but I'm scared to use any eye make-up remover because of the whole never-ending eye infection debacle of '10, so I presently scrub at my eyes with water and a cloth. Not sure if that's helpful. SOLUTION: These! Hypoallergenic! No rinsing! I won't need to put my bangs away because there's no water going near them! If anyone can find out where I can purchase them from an actual store, let me know.

THE BEST SHIRT FOR MY SELF-ESTEEM!
A Very Potter Musical t-shirt - Once upon a time I lived in a small town on the Island, WITHOUT CABLE. I dealt with this travesty by renting movies from the library, watching illegally uploaded movies on the internet, finding t.v. shows on various websites, and watching things on youtube. One of the things I watched on youtube was "A Very Potter Musical," which is HILARIOUS. HILARIOUS. At one point, Harry Potter is discussing his crush on Cho Chang, and someone calls her beautiful, and he's all, "What? Beautiful? More like super mega-foxy awesome hot." And then they made shirts! And I thought to myself, here's a girl who often doesn't feel super mega-foxy awesome hot, most of the time. SOLUTION: if I wear this shirt whilst I sleep, the print will subliminally message itself into my brain. Boom. Better self-esteem.

THE TIME AND INGREDIENTS TO MAKE THIS!
Iced Coffee - I love coffee. I love it when it's hot, and equally when it's cold (but only if it was meant to be cold in the first place; not like it once was hot, but now it's cold because it's been sitting on the counter for several hours and maybe a few flies have landed in it unbeknownst to me. Yuck.). Somehow I saw this recipe, which I am hesitant to make because there is no small taster-sized amount. You have to make a whole heck of a lot of it. And what if it's gross? I mean, if you glance upon the pictures it's fairly certain that it will not be gross, but still. SOLUTION: I guess I could just, you know, make it. Or something.

MAKE THE BEST HAIR ALL THE TIME!
The Cloud Nine Wand - Sometimes I tumble out of bed and half my hair looks super fantastic. There are curls popping out of my head that look soft and natural, and everything is smooth and nothing is statically charged. Unfortunately, never does ALL of my hair look super fantastic. If I want it to be all curly and flowing about my head, I have to work some magic with hair appliances. Curling irons, specifically. Which are a nice IDEA, except I always end up with that stupid little kink at the end, where the iron grasped my hair. SOLUTION: tricky tapered tube of heat. Wrap it around tightly for ringlets, or loosely for soft curls. THE BEST HAIR. ALL THE TIME.

things i forgot today

- how to write the number eight
- that I made a second pot of coffee
- to watch The Young and The Restless to find out if Billy is ever coming back to get tested to see if he is a bone marrow match for his little daughter who just got diagnosed with leukemia, and why he disappeared in the first place without telling either of his two ex-wives
- to put the old handle from my filing cabinet in my purse before I went out so I could find a new one that's the same size
- how to do things besides watch t.v. and read everything on the internet when I have a day off

the key to success

Behold my all-time fantastic never-fail strategy:

I'm a pro at applying this to basically all situations.

1. Babies. Everyone gushes over babies. I don't know what to do with them and they are so soft and bendy that I worry about damaging them. Don't give me the baby. I won't even look at the baby.

2. My job. As a Teacher-On-Call, there's so much uncertainty! Sometimes I know where I'm going the day before, but you guys, sometimes I don't. It's all very unsettling. So hey! I wish the phone would never ring. I can't plan and I don't know if it's going to be a good day or not, so let's just not even try.

3. Handsome fellows. Is there a handsome fellow in the vicinity? He probably won't be interested in me. I can't think of anything to say. Don't make eye contact with the fellow. If he tries to speak to me (which he won't), politely answer in as few words as possible, a la conversation with old person who remembers you from when you were this tall but you have no idea who they are.

4. Junk that needs to be cleaned up. Is there crap in a room that is causing a tripping hazard? Might it be somewhat important crap, or something I might need in five years or possibly never? Shove it in a box and shove the box in the closet. Bring it along when I move because there's nothing else to do with it. Bring it along again when I move again.

5. Talking to people. I am so bad at this. Even with my own family! Everybody got together for my grandma's birthday last week, and instead of talking to people I sat in a chair with my uncle and we both eavesdropped on other people's conversations. 

You should all try it.

everyday you act worse, but today you're acting like tomorrow

Here is another old, forgotten musical review. Aren't you glad I found all these?

19. Roberta (1935) - Fred Astaire, Ginger Rogers. This one started with a struggling band ending up in Paris and a gig getting canceled over a confusion between "Indians" and "Indianians." One of the dudes in the band is all, "I know this lady from when I was a kid who lives here, but I can't remember what her name is." Another dude is like, "Well, my aunt is this super rich dress lady, so she can probably help or something." So the band goes to the dress shop, and the aunt is lovely and she has a pretty assistant that her nephew falls for. Then this screaming countess comes around, and it turns out that she's not a countess at all, but in fact the lady the other guy was looking for, and she's faking that she's a countess!
     Then it switches tracks from the whole band thing, and the aunt dies and leaves the dress shop to her nephew, and the nephew and assistant become partners and clearly both really like each other. But then! The nephew's old girlfriend shows up and is all, "Why hello, former lover who is now rich and famous." He bumbles all over her, and the assistant comes in at the exact moment when they kiss! It's awful. I actually gasped in horror. But then it turns out the assistant is a princess or something, and the old girlfriend is a jerk, and everything is okay at the end.
    What I liked was all the romance, and all the dresses, and how fantastic the ending was. I also liked that there was a bit less tap dancing than in the other Fred/Ginger movie I watched. Sometimes I think too much tap dancing is a little bit boring. It was weird that Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers were background characters, but they make really for a really good supporting cast. (They also make a really good central cast - either way they are fantastic.)
     What I did not like was that the plot veered off into an unforeseen direction, and then it was as though they forgot what they started with. A struggling band? What? I thought we were making a movie about dresses. Oh, you say we started out with a movie about a struggling band? Pffff, nobody will remember that when they see all the DRESSES! And at one point I'm pretty sure the assistant is wearing a full-on rubber dress with a giant rubber bow right by her face. RUBBER. A RUBBER DRESS.

how to not: pour out the contents of your heart

It may surprise you to know that I have BOLDLY and SHAMELESSLY told a few, if not several, boys that I liked them. GASP. I know. I'm so shy. But I have layers. However, as my facebook relationship status is still single (I think, I don't know if that's still a thing that is on my facebook page), obviously I didn't do it right. Sometimes it feels like 99% of the people I know are married, so these instructions will not apply to you, but in case that that is a slight exaggeration I present to you:

HOW TO NOT: Pour Out the Contents of Your Heart

1. Write them a note! Also, pass it through as many people as possible so that if their answer to the all important "Do you like me check yes or no" query is a heart-breaking NO, EVERYBODY will know about it!

2. If a boy you like writes you a note asking you to the dance, reply "YES" with LITERALLY A MILLION exclamation marks so that he knows exactly how you feel and becomes instantly overwhelmed by the power of your affections. That way, when it comes to the actual dance, he'll be too weirded out to actually dance with you. That's how these things are supposed to go, you know.

3. Send him a secret candy-gram at school (or work, for the grown-ups), signed "Your Secret Admirer." But don't leave it at that; who wants mystery? Tell your friend to tell him it was you! For added effect, volunteer to sell tickets at his school concert (or concert concert, for the grown-ups) so that he gets the impression you follow him around everywhere. It's super effective.

4. Wait until you've spent a lot of time being good friends, then ambush him as he is about to leave a building and confess it all! If you time it so you come in as he is trying to exit, he will have nowhere to go and will be forced to listen to all your words.

(Sometimes, when I think about a lot of the things that I have done, I seem a teeny tiny bit like a psychopath.)

you look like a mess of worms

All the kids are at school today for an hour, which means that even if teachers ARE sick they can suck it up for an hour, which means that I didn't get a call to work today. So instead I worked on my blog! And I found all these old reviews of musicals from earlier this year. I am confused because I can't remember if I posted them already, except that they're all patiently sitting in a row with "DRAFT" beside them. I'm sure blogger knows what's going on, so I'll just believe that I never published them. Probably because I watched way too much t.v. for a while back there, and didn't want you all to judge me. So I'll be posting them now. Like this one!

18. Funny Face (1957) - Fred Astaire, Audrey Hepburn. There's this girl who works in the BEST BOOKSTORE EVER, until a bunch of magazine people come in and take pictures. The photographer kisses her randomly, and then the magazine lady decides she wants the bookstore girl as a model, but the bookstore girl is morally opposed to modeling, except when it takes her to Paris, then she's cool. Except that she causes a bunch of problems with her morals, and then her and the photographer fall in love. It is unclear as to whether she continues to model or goes back to the bookstore or whatever.
     What I liked in this one was the photo-shoot montage - I LOVE photo-shoot montages. Those were totally my favourite parts on America's Next Top Model. I also quite liked Audrey Hepburn in general, except the whole time I was trying to figure out if she had an accent, or was just enunciating VERY CLEARLY. (Turns out she had an accent - Belgian.) I also liked seeing Fred Astaire dancing, and listening to him sing. He does neat stuff with his voice.
      Not as pleasant were the shape of Fred Astaire's head, which continues to bug me, and also the lack of a Dramatic Cinderella Make-Over Reveal Scene. I know women shouldn't have to be made over as models to be beautiful blah blah blah, but I really like a good Dramatic Cinderella Make-Over Reveal Scene. (See She's All That, Princess Diaries, Miss Congeniality.) Also, she kept going on and on about "empathicalism," which is a philosophy of life or whatever written by some French dude, but that's just REGULAR EMPATHY. You can't take something that already exists and make it into a new word and pretend you invented it. (Although this happened in a movie. Maybe it was supposed to be dumb.)
     Overall, I liked it! Especially the photo-shoots.

things i like right now

Georgette Heyer novels

I've been reading her books all summer

Photography blogs

I don't even know these people. (Green Ginger Photography)

I know this person! (Cecilia Flaming Photography)

Culinary Treasures Roasted Garlic and Chili Aioli sauce

this stuff tastes good on EVERYTHING

Cherries

even though they're more work than regular fruits

Rose-coloured tops

RW & Co, but I can only go there when there's a sale

My new amethyst ring from ebay

so lovely

Miss Marple movies

something good to watch when there's nothing on t.v., or even if there is

Being an employee of SD 36

even if it's just as a T.O.C. right now

the shine of which has caught my eye

Perils of a Car With a Decent Sound System:

1. Penchant for tardiness.
Blah blah blah we all hate when a good song comes on as we arrive at our destination. Fact: I have solved this problem. Bypass that driveway and keep on a-goin' until it's over. Additional unnecessary driving may be required if good songs keep coming on. On a really good music day I'll just drive around forever instead of going where I meant to.

2. Siren? What siren?
I have air-conditioning, which is related to this topic in the way that I now can roll up my windows and sing really loudly. I'm not 100% certain that people on the outside of my car can't hear me belting it out on the inside, but oh well. I zoom past them anyhow. You know what's a really good song to sing along to inside of a car? "Vindicated" by Dashboard Confessional. Do you remember that song? It was one on of my old cd's that I found. LOVE SINGING ALONG WITH IT. Anyway. I can't hear the sirens over the sound of my fantastic singing.

3. Suddenly: rudeness.
Sometimes a/c can't compare with the wind blowing through your hair, so sometimes I roll down my windows. My music is still loud at this point, but I don't really sing along because I have SOME modesty. Before this car, when I arrived at a stop light I would turn down my music. You know, because who likes to be stuck next to the jerk with bad taste in music who keeps his/her stereo on maximum volume, forcing those around to listen to the same music? Well, now I'm that jerk. Except I have good taste in music.

don't even get me started

Dear cocoa:

I realize you have many friends, many passionately devoted friends, but I'm going to say this anyway. I HATE YOU. I hate you for several reasons. I'm going to make a list of these reasons.

1. One time I opened a can of you, and thought you looked delicious, like hot chocolate. So I took a spoon and scooped some of you into my mouth. YOU DO NOT TASTE LIKE HOT CHOCOLATE. I'm fairly certain I nearly died from the shock and also from how dry you made my mouth.

2. You keep too many secrets. For example, you are up to your ears in caffeine. ALL THE TIME. But you are full of sneaky caffeine, hidden inside of brownies and cake. You pull the same dirty trick over and over. No more secrets, cocoa! I'm on to you.

Those are actually all the reasons. I thought there were more, but mostly because I am SO ANGRY that you sneakily snuck in to my dessert tonight and the volume of my anger made it seem like a million reasons. Damn and blast, cocoa.

how to not: forty winks

There is a ton of stuff I'm super bad at. Each time I try something for the first time, I go into it wildly optimistic that in this new task lies my heretofore unknown magic awesome talent. Usually I am wrong. (See: bowling, darts, kayaking, scrapbooking, etc etc etc.) However, there is one thing that I am THE WORST AT. If you think you are the worst at this thing, I tell you you are wrong. I am the worst. I have been the worst at this since the day I was born: sleeping.

It takes me a million billion years to fall asleep, I wake up seventeen thousand times during the night, and I'm wide awake ages before my alarm goes off. When I get out of bed my whole body hurts because my muscles are all, "Hey, let's contort into weird positions for hours at a time," and then I'm tired and sore all day. Faulty brain wiring is probably part of the problem, but my own stupidity is at fault for some of it. And because I am a benevolent individual, I am going to use this to help you! You're welcome.

HOW TO NOT: Forty Winks

1. Eat a bunch of food before you go to bed. Preferably chocolate cake. (With real cocoa, mind you. Otherwise why even bother.)

2. Watch television in a reclined position on a soft couch. It won't take long to train your body that this position does not mean it's time to sleep, so don't be discouraged if you still sleep well after the first time or two. Bonus: make sure you're watching really intense murder mysteries and/or creepy scary shows that will haunt you when you turn out the lights.

3. When you're finally in bed, don't close your eyes immediately. Read a book! It has to be a really good one, or it doesn't count. Preferably one that will draw you in, forcing you to continue turning pages long after your brain has given up deciphering the words. If reading's not for you, turn on the good ol' laptop computer. Make sure it's on it's brightest setting. The best websites to look at are ones with lots of images that you scroll through really fast, thus preventing your eyes from powering down. If you want to be a pro, DO BOTH. Read a book and THEN go on the computer! All while in your bed, mind you. That's probably the most important thing to remember.

4. Start sleeping on your back, but after a few minutes or hours change to your stomach. Then switch over to your side, and for a dramatic finish, maneuver so you are HALF on your side, HALF on your stomach. It's the best.

5. Check the clock every few minutes to ensure you know how much sleep time you're wasting. Even better: turn it so the neon numbers are blazing right in your eyeballs.

And that's pretty much all you need to know to be as bad at sleep as me.

dites-moi pourquoi

17. South Pacific (2001) - Glenn Close, Harry Connick, Jr. This is about the navy (?) and nurses stationed in the South Pacific (hence the title) in WW2. Glenn Close is a nurse in charge of all the other nurses who falls in love with a French plantation owner after she meets him once and they sing a song together. Harry Connick, Jr. is a marine who gets sent to the island to go on a dangerous mission, and ends up falling in love with a girl from a mysterious island who gets pimped out by her mom. (Seriously.)
     I have in my possession the 1958 version, but I watched the tv movie version with a friend of mine the other night. Before I write it off completely, I will give it another chance, because the whole time I couldn't get over the tv movie feel of the whole thing. Plus, I don't really like Glenn Close, and I really like Mitzi Gaynor, who plays the same role in the older version.
     Anyway. What I liked were the songs, and the scenery, and that it was actually filmed in Australia, Tahiti, and French Polynesia instead of somewhere like L.A. (I always find that extremely disappointing.) Also, the French dude was fairly attractive and his kids were really cute.
     What I did not like were several things. First of all, the racism came out of NOWHERE. Yes, Glenn Close mentions several times she is from the Southern United States, which is perhaps supposed to explain to the viewers that she is a Racist Hick from the South, but she treats all the non-Caucasian characters with affection and respect for the whole movie. And then she finds out that her French boyfriend has kids with a "coloured woman" and FLIPS OUT. All of a sudden she can't marry him, and finds his kids repugnant, and wants to move away. If you hate non-Caucasian people that much, that the thought of your boyfriend being married to one previously disgusts you enough to break off an engagement you were ecstatic about two seconds earlier, it must come out in your behaviour before that. It's like she was all, "Oh, right. I'm supposed to be a racist. Ew, your kids are gross."
      Same with Harry Connick, Jr, and the lady he falls in love with. Maybe I just don't understand the racism of the time, and how it actually ended up affecting your behaviour - but he's pals with this lady Bloody Mary, and then he meets her daughter and has sex with her a million times (the daughter), but when Bloody Mary says he has to marry her he's all, "Oh wait, no, I'm a racist. I completely forgot I'm supposed to find you disgusting."
      Another thing I disliked was that the navy asks the French plantation guy to go on this super dangerous mission for them, which will help turn the tide of the war, but he will probably die. The thing is, he's only just met Glenn Close, whom he quite likes. So he's all, "No way, man. I've got something to live for."
     Which is fine, except that after she suddenly remembers her deep-rooted prejudice and breaks up with him, he changes his mind and decides to go on this suicide mission EVEN THOUGH HE HAS TWO YOUNG CHILDREN AT HOME. "I won't risk my life when there's the possibility of hooking up with a pretty girl I just met, but my kids? Psh, I've got an old guy who takes care of them. Bring on the probably death by Japanese soldiers!"
     Also, I was confused by the lack of proper military protocol. All I know about military protocol I know from watching tv shows and from talking with an EA at my school who used to be in the military, but this I know: they are trained to show RESPECT. Like, forced to show respect. Like, when the Commander or whatever is on the stage before the half-naked girls come on, the rest of the navy would NOT be throwing things at him and telling him to get off the stage. And a bunch of young officers would NOT only get thrown in the brig for beating up a marine. COME ON.
     Anyway. In sum, there were some good parts, but I didn't really like this version. A contributing factor was probably that Glenn Close's haircut did not suit her face at all. Hopefully Mitzi Gaynor made a wiser choice.

don't go no don't go

There is a feeling that is attached to living in Campbell River that I don't think I will ever find again. That isn't on my list, because I can't explain it very well, but it sits in my heart and I will miss it very much. These are the other things I will miss.

Things I Will Miss About Campbell River:
1. Having my own place. I'm not sure I'll get used to having PEOPLE around all the time. And where am I going to put all my stuff?
2. The wind. It's so much better here. It's windy all the time, no matter what the other weather is.
3. The sky. I think because nobody lives out here, there's less pollution to muck up how beautiful the sky is. So many times when I'm walking somewhere I'll notice how amazing the clouds and colours are and stop and stare.
4. The smell of campfire. Lots of people still have wood-burning stoves out here in the sticks, so it smells like camping all the time. People don't have wood-burning stoves in Surrey. It only smells like campfire when I'm camping, and I don't think I'll do that again.
5. Bible study. I FINALLY found a bible study for ladies who are my age without husbands. Not that there's anything wrong with a husband, but we talk about different things when none of us have them. Everybody is so fun and wise and I keep getting challenged every week and it's fantastic.
6. My students and the staff. Even though my kids drive me bonkers, I love them lots of the time. And there are lots of cool people working at the school who know lots of neat things and are fun to be around. (Especially the French teacher!) I hate saying good-bye to people I will never see again. HATE IT.
7. My classroom. It's going to take a while to get my own classroom in the public school system. I like organizing things the way I want them, and looking out my window at the great view, and have two giant desks upon which to store all my junk/important teaching stuff.
8. Everything is so close together in a small town. Sometimes I get upset when I have to drive into town, even though it's about five minutes away. Back home, stuff is SO FAR.
9. The lack of traffic. There are barely any people here, so there's barely any cars. No irritating fellow travelers to stand in the way of my desired speed limit.
10. Perfect walks. When I take Charlie for a walk, I have two wonderful choices: a) pack him into his crate and drive to the beach, to walk along the ocean where it is beautiful and windy and there is a dog water fountain at the mid-point, or b) walk around my neighbourhood, where I have a hill at the beginning and a hill at the end for a challenge, and in between are various side streets that are flat and quiet where I don't get accosted by cars or dogs or people who want to talk to me. Plus, now there are flowering bushes and trees everywhere for me to stop and smell.

I'm going to miss it here.

don't let the door hit you on the way out

I have a gazillion boxes in my car because I went to the liquor store for boxes because I am moving soon. I thought they might give me a few boxes. Maybe even several boxes. I said to the lady, "Do you have any boxes?" and she said, "Follow me," and then brought out this giant cart filled with boxes. I stuffed them in my trunk and in my backseat, and then folded some up and put even more in my trunk.

The box-gathering happened on the weekend, but of course the boxes are still in my car. I dislike making numerous trips with things, and there is NO WAY I can get all the boxes in one trip. So instead I will do it in zero trips, and leave them in my car until I move. It's not like I carry an abundance of passengers around, who will be inconvenienced by all the boxes.

Anyway. Staring at boxes every time I look in the rear view mirror reminds me that I am moving soon, which is something I am extremely ambivalent about. (Remember when I thought ambivalent meant to be indifferent, but in fact it means to feel two opposing feelings at once.) I was ambivalent about moving here, now I am ambivalent about moving home. There are things I love and things I don't love about this tiny town, so I made a list to share with you all. It is a list in two parts. The things I am glad to leave behind will be first. (This list is not in order of how much I dislike the thing, it's just in the order in which they popped into my brain.)

Things I Will Not Miss About Living in Campbell River:
1. No cable. Watching shows on my teeny tiny netbook isn't the best for my eyes, I think. Plus, sometimes I just want to watch mindless television while doing a task.
2. Family, friends etc. so far away. It will be nice to be around all the people I know again.
3. Crazy parents. Surely they will follow me throughout my teaching career, but it's even more awkward when the ones who yell the loudest are the ones who work with you every day.
4. Finding miscellaneous bones on the sidewalks. Seriously. I'll be walking and then, "Oh hey, there's a bone." I think because there are lots of cats and eagles milling around, which is no doubt a bad combination for the cats.
5. Cougars. Every time I go walking in a wooded area, I am reminded of that time I overheard a conversation about how cougars are everywhere and not scared of people and just wait for you to walk into their jaws.
6. Limited shopping. There are some good stores in Campbell River, but not very many stores. It will be nice to have options again, and places to go for unusual items.
7. Stupid gas stations. Either they don't have pay at the pump and I have to go in and TALK to somebody, or else they pump gas as quick as molasses.
8. No dishwasher. Sometimes I decide, "I'm not going to do dishes this week," and then it takes me like 3 hours to catch up on the weekend and I run out of spoons. Such problems would be less time-consuming to solve with a dishwasher who can do it all FOR me.
9. Being able to buy bras without fear of mortification. This is what I picture every time I think I would like to get some new underwear - standing in the bra section of Wal Mart, and then SUDDENLY. There is one of my students. I don't think either of us could ever come back from that. 
10. Slurpees that taste like soap. Every one I've tried. I don't know why.