the explosion would taste pretty good, though

Is there some well-known or secret phobia that describes the fear of exploding kitchen appliances? Presently, I am sitting on the couch while my new crock pot is merrily cooking garlic pork for me. BUT THEN! It made a really big sound. Not like a BOOM big sound, but a big sound for how small of a crock pot it is. So immediately I thought, "Good thing I'm so far away from it for when it explodes."

And then there was that time when I tried making cake in the microwave, and I was CERTAIN the whole thing was going to explode so I hid behind a wall. Also, sometimes my freezer makes a noise like a bunch of ice falling from the top shelf down to the bottom shelf, only the ice always already is on the bottom shelf, so what is that sound??

if i could just short-circuit my nose somehow

Does anybody else go completely bananapants crazy when they hear people chewing food? For some reason that is the thing I hate the most. As soon as I hear someone's food sloshing around in their mouth as they prepare to swallow, it's like my brain turns around in my skull and everything fades from relatively normal to homicidal mania. There was this boy I liked one time, who was not a very nice boy and I knew that and all the things that were wrong about him did nothing to dissuade me from my misguided affection, until one time I heard him chewing and I could hear his food sloshing around in his mouth and that was it. I said, "Oh, I see now," and I stopped liking him in that INSTANT. (If you know a lot about me, you know that it's difficult for me to stop liking someone in an instant. So this was big news at the time.)

In this one movie where Ashley Judd gets meanly broken up with by Greg Kinnear, she goes to the doctor to see if he can disconnect her nose from her brain so she doesn't remember Greg Kinnear every time she smells laundry or whatever, and I think that what I would like is for a doctor to disconnect my ears from my medulla oblongata and then I can sit around the dinner table having normal conversations, instead of wishing that everyone would JUST STOP CHEWING.

curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight

This is what happened today:

In the computer lab one of my students slams his hand down on the desk. "What is going on here?" I ask him, outraged because the computer lab is supposed to be a quiet place. "He touched me weird," the student whines, pointing to the person beside him. "It was a reflex." This, naturally, sends me into a laughing fit so intense I am not breathing for practically 3 minutes. (Students are used to this by now so nobody is alarmed.)

At the Shoreline Clean-Up this afternoon one of my students grabs a rope he spots under a log, tugs it SUPER HARD and goes flying backwards with the rope in his hand, doing a crazy dance so he doesn't lose his balance. I immediately burst out laughing so hard I almost pee my pants. "I thought it was going to be stuck!" he protests.

Yesterday in Science I mentioned to my students that if they find a dead thing on the beach like they did last year, DO NOT TOUCH IT because that's how the Black Plague started, by touching one dead rat. (I'm not sure if this is historically accurate. If I say something passionately and with conviction, pretty much everyone believes me. Anyway, the origin of the Black Plague was not the important part, it was emphasizing that they were NOT to touch dead stuff.) But since it was Science class, I told them if they saw a dead thing to call me over and we'd investigate it safely! So today we found a dead seal who had MELTED into RUBBER so his FACE was FLAT. No joke. Flat face. Then we found a dead porpoise with a missing eyeball. (I had to yell at the grade two students to not touch it, because they missed the Black Plague conversation.)

Then a student found a condom, which I had to pick up with two sticks and secretly put into a garbage bag so nobody freaked out. Sometimes I don't like being the teacher.

This is what's happening tomorrow:

A wedding! I brought two outfits with me and can't decide which one to wear, but it's important that I choose soon so I can paint my nails to match. Of course the wedding is more important. It's going to be lovely and wonderful and I am very excited!

A friend who is attending the same wedding is bringing this for me, which I ordered to an American address she supplied to save on shipping. I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS. I am going to wear it every day.

Then I need to go to Value Village to buy stuff to be a pirate for Pirate Day at school, because there is no Value Village in Campbell River.

On a different note: FINALLY THE NOISE HAS STOPPED IN MY APARTMENT. The night before last I burst into tears because I couldn't tell if I was hearing it or not, and when I put in my earplugs I couldn't tell if it was my heartbeat I was hearing or the noise, so I thought I was going crazy. Last night I was pretty sure that I couldn't hear it, and I figure that if I have to listen that hard to hear it, it's probably okay. That kind of volume I can handle. I have been hearing the noise every night since I moved in the middle of AUGUST, and calling and calling the guy who is in charge of my building to come and fix it, and FINALLY it is fixed.

watch out for robo-shopper

Something I have not yet mastered: pushing a shopping cart. I have a strong aversion to pushing shopping carts. Whenever Mother and I go shopping, I hold the list and she pushes the cart. (Sidenote: it is really difficult to do both. I was in the checkout and suddenly remembered that I had forgotten the mustard. Sorry mustard, I will return for you another day.) I hate pushing carts. I feel like a hybrid robot/person who hasn’t figured out how to use her mechanical parts yet and keeps banging into things and misfiring her lasers. (How awesome would that be?? I would feel better pushing around a shopping cart with lasers.) I feel more acutely embarrassed when I go down the wrong aisle with a shopping cart, because you have to turn the stupid thing around, which makes it more obvious that you made a mistake. Also, you can’t squeeze through places with a giant cart banging around. I had to skip aisles and then come back to them later, because of traffic, and I feel this is most inefficient. Don’t even get me started on the produce section. (Although, I had a cute moment: all I know about picking watermelons is that they should be heavy. So I picked up a couple and weighed them in my hands, feeling for the heaviest one. I chose mine, and then noticed a little girl staring at me. As I wheeled away I saw her pick up several watermelons and weigh them in her hands like me. ADORABLE.)

Regretful impulse buy: I was suckered into buying Banana Nut Cheerios because they were on sale. Do you know why they were on sale? BECAUSE THEY ARE DISGUSTING. What I should have bought instead was Apple Cinnamon Cheerios, which is what I had my eye on in the first place. Sometimes it’s worth it to pay a little more for something that is not gross.

Non-regretful impulse buy: lemon gelato. I wanted frozen yogurt, because that’s one of my favourite things, but it’s super hard to find frozen yogurt. Gelato isn’t that bad for you either, so I thought I’d take a chance. I opened it when I got home and was a little discouraged because it looked like a container full of an invisible dessert. I guess when you turn lemons into gelato they lose all colour? I thought it would be yellow, but it’s like a colourless void. It’s tasty, though. (I also have lemon yogurt. Maybe I should branch off into some other flavours. Although, that’s what I was trying to do with stupid Banana Nut Cheerios.)

Somebody’s moving out today. I hope it’s Jerkface Music Guy. I ended up calling the super guy and found out that somebody on the third floor had been evicted, and was just being difficult until moving day. I’ll find out at 2am if I can’t hear any music!

hey now what's this

My mom left today so I’ve been puttering around my apartment, which feels strange. I went to take my garbage out, and said to myself, “This is where I live now.” I wonder how long it will take to really feel like it’s really where I live, instead of just a hotel or something. (A lousy hotel. I have to do all my own dishes.) There are two fruit flies having a dance party in my kitchen, but I can’t remember how to get rid of them and I don’t have internet yet. I can’t steal internet from any of my neighbours because they’ve all cleverly protected theirs. Boo. I wonder if not getting cable was a bad idea – it’s so quiet in here. Although, I had planned on responsibly watching one episode of Popular with my dinner, and then watched two, and would have watched three except I convinced myself I should take my garbage out before it started smelling. The whole process made me feel like a grown-up. I think lots of things are going to make me feel like a grown-up in a very short period of time. I’m not so sure I like it. Although I do like my apartment, except for the stupid person above me who puts their music on at 9pm and leaves it on LITERALLY all night long. WHO DOES THAT. I am trying to work up the nerve to talk to the super about it (what does “super” stand for in this particular instance? Supervisor? Superintendent? Superlative?) because I don’t want to be the complainy neighbour but I also want to sleep at night. What a crazy idea.

I might have to re-think my clock. I bought a new clock to put in my living room but it just sits there going TICK… TOCK… TICK… TOCK… all day long. I don’t think that’s going to work for me.