stop touching your face, dave

I may have unwittingly began a chain of events that will result in something similar to the movie Contagion. (I didn't see it, because come on, as if there's one more thing I should be worried about; however, I'm familiar with the premise.)

But first, I must go farther back. Over recent months, I find myself slightly addicted to shopping at Value Village. My reasoning is twofold: I like having new clothes, and I don't like paying full price for stuff. Anyway, I was made aware of the fact that I might be a bit out of control when, on my last trip to Value Village, I dropped off some clothing from a recent trip to a different Value Village because once I brought it home and washed it I realized I didn't like it after all. Also I go to more than one. I don't think that's normal.

So I was in Value Village this afternoon, trying on a beautiful jacket from Smart Set that only cost $15! One of my requirements for a coat is that it have side pockets I can put my hands in, not just decorative front pockets. You'd be surprised at how many coats lack functional side pockets. I was disappointed by the fact that this was one of those lacking the pockets, but the coat was so pretty that I stuck my hands in the decorative front pockets to see if I could make it work.

I immediately regretted that decision, as my hand instantly emerged again, horrifyingly clasping a crumpled kleenex. As soon as I registered what my hand was doing, I dropped the kleenex on the ground, berating said hand for clasping it in the first place. After a few moments of disgusted shudders, I composed myself with the following instructions: Simply do not touch face with hand that has touched kleenex. No need to panic.

But then you guys, as I emerged from the change room, holding the jacket because I loved it despite the lack of side pockets/surprise used kleenex, my nose itched. As a reflex, despite the conversation I'd had with myself literally moments earlier, I SCRATCHED MY NOSE. WITH THE KLEENEX HAND.

Well, crap, I thought to myself. Now I'm going to die.

Because who KNOWS what was on the kleenex? It was crumpled, thereby assuring me that it wasn't a fresh kleenex. What could it have been used for?

Best Case Scenario:
- tears
- crumpled in anger but never used
- blotting up a water spill
- someone's phone number (I never checked!)
- a genius Math formula that was worth a million dollars and would solve the energy crisis (I NEVER CHECKED!)

Worst Case Scenario:
- contained the coughs of someone with a communicable disease
- harbinger of a new plague

So presently I feel fine, but pay attention to the news in case I die suddenly. Then you, reader, must take it upon yourself to report to the authorities that the origin of a new plague is in the third change room at the Value Village in Newton. Obviously I can't warn them now, because I would sound crazy.

jump on the wind's back

Sometimes I feel as if I'll never grow up. Before I moved, I thought that moving would force me to act like an adult, but I think I was mistaken. I still don't pay my bills on time. I still don't know what RRSPs are, even though I'm apparently paying into one from work. I still don't eat vegetables, despite the fact that I keep buying them optimistically. Every evening I do a massive clean of my kitchen, washing all the dishes and the counters and making sure everything is tidy, but then I have to do it all again the very next day and I'm starting to wonder what's the point. I go on the internet until too late at night and then I have to drag myself out of bed and do the whole thing over again. I'm doing all the same non-grown-up things I did before, I'm just doing them in a different place.

Some unrelated stories spawned these depressing thoughts.

1) Just after I finished cleaning my kitchen tonight I was pouring chicken and sauce from the crock pot into a container, and it all splooshed out onto my clothes and the counter and the floor. Of course, I should have done that before I cleaned. WHY HAVEN'T I LEARNED THIS YET. (Then I was trying to use "No-Sew" goop on a different pair of pants because I didn't want to sew, and I got the glue goop all over my hands and my chicken-juice sweatpants. Naturally.)

2) I stumbled across a really funny British show, and watched all 4 seasons obsessively in one weekend. Almost immediately, it occurred to me that one of the main characters slightly resembled a boy I liked back in my university days. I hadn't thought about him in a long time, but suddenly I was thinking about him every time I watched the show. I just sent him a "hey, how's it going" email, and now I am compulsively checking my email every two minutes.

I am twenty-five. When is this all going to change? When will I get my grown-up crown?

the explosion would taste pretty good, though

Is there some well-known or secret phobia that describes the fear of exploding kitchen appliances? Presently, I am sitting on the couch while my new crock pot is merrily cooking garlic pork for me. BUT THEN! It made a really big sound. Not like a BOOM big sound, but a big sound for how small of a crock pot it is. So immediately I thought, "Good thing I'm so far away from it for when it explodes."

And then there was that time when I tried making cake in the microwave, and I was CERTAIN the whole thing was going to explode so I hid behind a wall. Also, sometimes my freezer makes a noise like a bunch of ice falling from the top shelf down to the bottom shelf, only the ice always already is on the bottom shelf, so what is that sound??

cougars ruin everything

The sun came out today. It's been weather from a Jane Austen book for the whole week, so when I saw the sun I gasped and ran to my car and drove to the beach. It was wonderful and peaceful, and I was quite enjoying myself until I had a sudden flashback to a staff room conversation from Friday.

Teacher 1: "There's more cougars on Vancouver Island than anywhere else."
Teacher 2: "I know what you mean. When I go for a walk with my son in the forest, there is no distance between them and us. They watch us."
Teacher 1: "They like the little guys. They can pick you up and climb up a tree no sweat."

I know I'm not a little guy objectively speaking, but relative to a cougar? I don't know! I've never seen a cougar in real life! Maybe they're three times the size as me so to them I am a little guy! So then my wonderful morning at the beach was ruined, and I had to convince myself not to run to my car, lest there be cougars about and all they were waiting for was for me to give chase. Sometimes my penchant for eavesdropping gets me in trouble.

Last weekend I had the best pork ever to exist in the world, and I got the recipe but the recipe called for a crock pot. So yesterday I bought a crock pot, and this morning I plopped all the pork inside, and mixed up the ingredients for the fantastic sauce. You know how when you're making something wonderful, you want to smell it while you're making it? I smelled it, and that was a mistake. That may be because there is cider vinegar in the sauce, and that stuff smells disgusting, and also it could be because I was supposed to use chili sauce but I used sweet thai chili sauce instead. I hope it works! I am so concerned.

Report cards are due on Monday. Guess what I'm doing today? Not report cards! Because I finished yesterday! I am totally a report card pro now. Starting on Monday I get to teach English 7, which I am SO EXCITED ABOUT, and also I get a prep every day, which I am EVEN MORE EXCITED ABOUT. It's going to be amazing.

at least there's jello at the end of this story

Today was one of those that required all the strength in my bones plus more. It all started last night, you see. I was dead tired at 8:30 (Tuesdays tend to do that to me), so I optimistically crawled into bed and shut my eyes. Instantly I fell asleep, which was wonderful, but at 12:30 I woke up that kind of waking up where you are ZAP WIDE AWAKE. The second my eyes opened I began to worry about not finishing one of my Math classes on time, and teaching another class everything they need to know in time for the FSAs, and not knowing if I'm teaching English next semester, and if my gums were receding fast enough for my two front teeth to fall out, and about calling parents about interim reports, and so on. It's like it was gnawing at every synapse in my brain and I couldn't shut it off, even by counting.

I decided it was useless to try and fall asleep, so I turned on the light and read for a bit, and then I decided to take a shower because I was going to take one in the morning and if I took it at that time it would save me time in the morning. (Since sometimes showers have a wakening affect, I agonized over this decision from the moment I decided to throw off my covers to the moment when I put a towel over my pillow so my hair wouldn't soak through my pillow. But I did it anyway.) Then I perused the internet for several hours, then I read again, and then at 4:30 I fell asleep.

Then I had to wake up at 7 for work, and instead of going to staff devotions like I have done every single morning since I started, I sat at my desk, drank my coffee, and listened to dramatic instrumental music. Each of my five classes was something not quite agony, but a little bit less than that. Then I trudged to my car, went home, and had some jello.

baby step to four o'clock

This morning I departed from my mainland home, to embark on the long  journey to my island home. The terminal was fairly empty, as it usually is when I make a reservation in anticipation of it being busy. I went in to get coffee, and all the dudes behind the empty food counters looked aggressively bored. Each stared at me in a lazily challenging fashion as I passed - You want to give me something to do? Well, do ya? The Rocky Mountain Chocolate guy shoved a tray of fudge in my face - SAMPLE, MISS?!? I declined because he was somewhat terrifying, plus it was a bit early in the day for fudge. (Nevermind the fact that I sometimes have cake for breakfast.)

After coffee was acquired, I hurried back to my car, lest the ferry depart thirty minutes early and without me. Then, as I drove up the ramp, I worried I was accidentally going to Victoria; then, as the sun blinded me, I worried I would accidentally drive into the ocean instead of onto the boat. Now I am sitting in a row by myself, with the exact location of my car written on my hand, and the captain just assured us all that we are indeed traveling towards Nanaimo. I can't worry about anything else for approximately two hours, so I think I will read my book.

at least i survived and got free pizza

Today I had fifteen parent-teacher interviews. Fourteen of them were fantastic, and I heard, "You're doing a great job! We're on your side!" fourteen times. Then at the end a parent said their child said, "I asked her to explain it again and she just explained it the same way! That wasn't helpful at all!" and now I think I'm a terrible teacher and why do I have this job and I'm letting all my kids down. I'm a little bit discouraged right now.

it slithers in the wild

One of my fears about living on my own is that I have a stupid imagination, and imagine all sorts of terrible things while I am lying in bed trying to sleep. It's less scary when there is someone else in the house, but when I am on my own who is there to protect me from the monsters? Case in point: yesterday, for some reason, I watched a promo on the internet for this show about zombies. There was one scene where zombie fingers were trying to pry open a door, and another with a creepy gliding zombie child, and another where a man had a picture of his wife beside his window, and a rifle aimed outside at the zombies coming towards him, and he wiped tears off his face, and they didn't show it but I KNEW one of the zombies he'd have to shoot was his wife and that part wasn't scary, it just broke my heart. I hope that if I get married, my husband never turns into a zombie and I never have to shoot him because I don't think I could ever be emotionally ready for that.

Anyway, so lying in my bed last night with my screen-less window partially open for fresh air and earplugs in to block out the stupid music that keeps going throughout the night, I imagined all sorts of zombie things happening in my room. I had my eyes squeezed shut and kept thinking to myself that I am such an idiot, why did I watch that promo? It's not like it was SURPRISE ZOMBIES! The show is called The Walking Dead or something like that, so it was pretty obvious that there was going to be zombies. I don't even believe in zombies, but in the middle of the night the logical part of my brain is not exactly the most active.

Basically what I am saying is that I would like one of you to come and visit me, and bring a rifle so you can protect me from the zombies.

i complain a lot in this one

Today I was chatting with my wonderful new work friend about how unstressed I am presently feeling about THE FIRST WEEK OF SCHOOL starting. Pretty much I'm super chill right now.

Or so I thought. (Dun dun DUUUUUUUUUUUUUN.) (I hope you heard that dramatic music as dramatically as it played in my head.)

As some of you may know because I complained about it a lot previously, I had a bunch of eye infections in a row. Someone suggested to me it may be my stress reaction. I was all, "Psh, no. I'm not stressed." That was a fib, and now that I am wiser I think it might be my stress reaction.

Hey guys, guess what happened to me tonight? Watching tv, watching tv, watching tv, BAM eye infection. Out of nowhere. In both my stinking eyes.

And then when I opened my new mic I will use for Skyping, the plastic encasement sliced open several of my fingers.

And then both my wrists started showing signs of wear and tear which is an indication that I need to wear my wrist braces.

On the first day of school, I am going to have bloodshot eyes, several bandaids, and two wrist braces on. My kids are going to be FREAKED.

so don't try, no don't try

This is what I learned today. If a bunch of different companies check your credit rating for completely legitimate reasons, it can temporarily affect your credit score and give you a heart attack. I was trying to buy a phone from Koodo, who is all like, "Our phones are free because of Tab!" except that surprise, if you signed up for Telus internet yesterday Telus did a credit check on you, and then the credit check people are all, "Whoa, so many credit checks in such a short period of time! DENIED!", you can't get a free phone because of Tab. Because you need to have good credit to have Tab, and apparently my credit is going to be bad for a few days. Even though I have impeccable credit ALL THE OTHER TIMES when I am not signing up for Telus internet. The guy at Best Buy felt bad for me because I was a little bit upset so he gave me some extra decals for my new phone. Hopefully in a few days my credit rating will be back to normal AND I will have extra decals for my phone.

i know i felt like this before

Today I am discouraged.

I had a grand plan that now I think was a waste of time, and I'm overwhelmed by moving stuff, and I can't get my butt in gear to learn Math 9. I had an awful dream about my future class (I think there were actual piranha-children involved), and the realtor hasn't returned my call about apartments.

However, I got an email this morning that my semi-colon and apostrophe posters have been shipped, and now I'm going to sit in the sun and drink coffee. Maybe that will fix things.

Like That Hole in Your Boot

My poor baby toes are sporting some hefty blisters from traipsing around Vancouver Airport in new shoes today. I forgot you aren't supposed to wear new shoes for extended periods of time. Even though these shoes are expensive! And so pretty. I've heard internet rumors about stretching out leather shoes, but all the methods involve water and I'm worried that will ruin them somehow. Also, the internet has a history of feeding me vicious lies, for example the cake in a mug debacle. I think I will call the store tomorrow and see what they suggest.

I also have huge knots in my shoulders again from kayaking. My mom rubbed some sort of salve on them that she bought on the cruise ship we were on in March, and I guess it's working but I think what I need to do is lift weights to improve upper body strength, and also stretch before and after. I will not give up, though, because I'm part of a sport finally and I like it. On Saturday Mom and I went back to the river we took our lessons in, and we got waved at by all the boaters! By the real boaters! Then we discussed good places to kayak with some REAL kayakers, who did not look down upon us because it was our first time in our new kayaks. Like we are now part of a club! And then the coast guard came, but we were already out of the water which is good because we don't yet have throw ropes or bilge pumps, which is illegal. (Tsk tsk.)

I'm starting to freak out about money. I don't have very much right now, but I need a lot of it to prepare for my job, where I will soon have a steady income. The timing isn't right. If only they could pay me my whole salary NOW, so I could buy a car and insurance and a popcorn popper and pay two month's rent + security deposit. A few minutes ago I remembered that God has taken care of me so far, so I need to have faith that He will continue to do so. And maybe tomorrow I will go to the bank to meet with somebody about a loan or line of credit or whatever it is that gives me free money for a little bit.

One Foot in Sea, One on Shore

Who remembers Bill Nye the Science Guy? Those were the best science classes in grade five, when we got to watch episodes of that phenomenal show instead of reading the textbook or whatever. My favourite parts were when he'd go, "DID YOU KNOW THAT..." and then tell you something awesome, and then be all, "...NOW YOU KNOW." Sometimes I try to whip that out in real life, but nobody seems to get it. Maybe I don't have the correct booming, echoey inflection that made it work. I should carry around a bullhorn with special effects for the next time. For now, you need to imagine it in your head.

DID YOU KNOW THAT...

Apparently "ambivalent" means "simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings (as attraction and repulsion) toward an object, person, or action." For my WHOLE LIFE I thought it meant that you couldn't care less. Like, I have no opinion, I'm ambivalent. Then a few days ago I found out what it actually means, and I can't believe it! How have I lived almost 25 years thinking it meant something completely different? How many statements have I made that make no sense or are inaccurate because I was using a word wrong! I need to buy a pocket dictionary and then consult it before I ever speak again.

This is relevant because I am feeling ambivalent about moving. I am really excited, but also scared. It's like when I told my grandmother last night; she said, "I'm happy... but also sad." That is exactly how I feel.

... NOW YOU KNOW. (What ambivalent means. That was the point of this.)

Through the Jungle Through the Dark

Some context for my last post: I'm freaking out a bit at the prospect of moving to Campbell River for a teaching job. On one hand this is super exciting, especially in light of my awesome TOC stint on Monday - I realized that I love teaching so much that I would go wherever I had to to do it. (I was a lunch time supervisor, wandering around outside with my reflective vest and settling disputes such as, "She won't let me play," "They're talking about me behind my back," and "I really DO think that climbing this old, dead tree is safe!" Could I BE any more of a teacher?) On the other hand, moving far(ish) away from home and having to pay rent and buy my own groceries and teach grade nine math is scary. Also, what if I move to Campbell River and then all of a sudden Surrey wants to hire me? What if I take the job and move away and I don't fit in with the staff, or I discover that I can't teach grade nine math? What if I go insane with loneliness? I should not count my chickens before they hatch (or is it eggs? Don't count your eggs before they hatch? I don't think I've ever actually used that phrase before.), so I need to stop worrying about it. It's an interview, not a job offer. Chill out, self.

On another note, why do some people pronounce 'human' as 'yooman'? When does 'h' EVER make the 'y' sound? Never. It never does. Stop saying it that way.

The Barnacle on my Back

I don't like having to make significant decisions because I'm worried about making the wrong one. I don't like when things are complicated because I don't know what to do.

That's it. At least the plague has almost left me and I'm almost back to normal. There's that.

Words Float out Like Holograms

Two of the books I've read in the past couple of days have mentioned Archduke Franz Ferdinand. His name, assassination, and the subsequent WWI are pretty much the only things I remember from History class in high school, except for a board game my friend and I made about concentration camps. (I know way too much about concentration camps for a person of such delicate sensibilities.) I feel like this is a meaningful coincidence, except I don't know what for. What could these books possibly be trying to tell me. (It's like that time many, many years ago, when all I heard about was Fresno, California. It seemed like everyone and their moms were talking about Fresno and I was intrigued. What's so great about Fresno? Aren't there other wonderful places in California? I don't like California anymore, anyway. I had a bad experience.)

Moving along. Whilst reading I discovered two more things: I enjoy novels with footnotes, and I am losing the ability to experience things. I start a book and find myself hurrying along so I can find out what happens at the end and be finished. When did this happen? Reading is one of my favourite things! I also noticed it when I went to the tulips, and when I waited in line for two hours to get into the Art Gallery for free. I can't just look at stuff. How do normal people do it? I don't know what my internal monologue is supposed to be while I am looking at stuff. If I can't interact with it, or explore it, or learn something from it, I don't know what to do with it. I find this troubling.

Until a Quieter Time

Lately I have taken to pretend punching my dog in the face. (PRETEND.) He always acts super offended and barks at me, jumping up and trying to bite my hand off. I am comforted by the fact that if anybody actually tries to punch my dog in the face, he will know what to do.

I've been in a foul mood, generally speaking, for a week or so. I thought it sprung from changing my sleeping pattern from ambitious waking-up-at-7-am-in-case-of-TOC-call to a more realistic waking-up-at-8-am-because-I-am-not-nuts. The line between cheerful and grouchy may lie betwixt those morning hours. However, now I am worried that my sleeping pills are altering my moods and I'm going to turn in to a serial killer. I've exhausted (pun) all other natural sleep aids, and my doctor said these are okay - he said I could take three, and I only take one. Probably I should be fine. But if you see me with a murderous glint in my eye, please remove all weaponry from the vicinity and escort me to the doctor. (Thanks in advance.) In the meantime, I will perhaps compromise with myself and aim for a 7:30am awakening and see if that has any affect* on things.

(*I googled it: affect = a verb meaning "to influence;" effect = a noun meaning "result/to bring about".)