A tiny fly just flew into my face. I miss being in Whistler when I was planning on writing a novel and everything was coming together in the planning stages, before it fell apart in the writing stages. I think I am in a funk.

to be showing up like this

This week was terrible and sad and frustrating. My wonderful old dog may or may not be with us at this present moment - my mom said it was time to Make The Decision, but I didn't want to because I'd keep her here forever, so then she asked if I wanted to know when "it" happened, and I said no. Pretty much this is the worst thing that could be happening right now. And one of my math classes is driving me bananas, so I talked with the Vice Principal about it on Friday and he said that I should just send the ringleaders to him, but I wanted to handle it by myself. Now I feel like I can't manage my own classroom. I've been listening to the song "Blood Bank" by Bon Iver over and over again for a few days, and I wonder if maybe I should replace it with a more overtly cheerful song to get me out of the blues.

Sometimes stuff feels hopeless. The fog outside moved in around my school steadily over the day, like I'm in a cloud or on a pirate ship, and that's how I feel inside.

curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight

This is what happened today:

In the computer lab one of my students slams his hand down on the desk. "What is going on here?" I ask him, outraged because the computer lab is supposed to be a quiet place. "He touched me weird," the student whines, pointing to the person beside him. "It was a reflex." This, naturally, sends me into a laughing fit so intense I am not breathing for practically 3 minutes. (Students are used to this by now so nobody is alarmed.)

At the Shoreline Clean-Up this afternoon one of my students grabs a rope he spots under a log, tugs it SUPER HARD and goes flying backwards with the rope in his hand, doing a crazy dance so he doesn't lose his balance. I immediately burst out laughing so hard I almost pee my pants. "I thought it was going to be stuck!" he protests.

Yesterday in Science I mentioned to my students that if they find a dead thing on the beach like they did last year, DO NOT TOUCH IT because that's how the Black Plague started, by touching one dead rat. (I'm not sure if this is historically accurate. If I say something passionately and with conviction, pretty much everyone believes me. Anyway, the origin of the Black Plague was not the important part, it was emphasizing that they were NOT to touch dead stuff.) But since it was Science class, I told them if they saw a dead thing to call me over and we'd investigate it safely! So today we found a dead seal who had MELTED into RUBBER so his FACE was FLAT. No joke. Flat face. Then we found a dead porpoise with a missing eyeball. (I had to yell at the grade two students to not touch it, because they missed the Black Plague conversation.)

Then a student found a condom, which I had to pick up with two sticks and secretly put into a garbage bag so nobody freaked out. Sometimes I don't like being the teacher.

This is what's happening tomorrow:

A wedding! I brought two outfits with me and can't decide which one to wear, but it's important that I choose soon so I can paint my nails to match. Of course the wedding is more important. It's going to be lovely and wonderful and I am very excited!

A friend who is attending the same wedding is bringing this for me, which I ordered to an American address she supplied to save on shipping. I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS. I am going to wear it every day.

Then I need to go to Value Village to buy stuff to be a pirate for Pirate Day at school, because there is no Value Village in Campbell River.

On a different note: FINALLY THE NOISE HAS STOPPED IN MY APARTMENT. The night before last I burst into tears because I couldn't tell if I was hearing it or not, and when I put in my earplugs I couldn't tell if it was my heartbeat I was hearing or the noise, so I thought I was going crazy. Last night I was pretty sure that I couldn't hear it, and I figure that if I have to listen that hard to hear it, it's probably okay. That kind of volume I can handle. I have been hearing the noise every night since I moved in the middle of AUGUST, and calling and calling the guy who is in charge of my building to come and fix it, and FINALLY it is fixed.

orchard of the strangest fruits

So this is what happened. I opened the front door of my HOME home and was confused because the stairs didn't look familiar. I've been away for a month and I can't even remember what my house looks like. It was a sad, strange moment for me.

Thursday and Friday I was at a teacher's conference and it felt like I was at camp! Mostly because all the staff stayed at the same hotel on the same floor, and we went out for dinner together and sometimes ended up in the Tim Horton's line-up together. It made me realize that I really feel like part of the community at my school, which makes me happy. Now that they are all back in Campbell River and I am at home I miss them, and it's not going to be the same when we get back because some of them I never see because we're on different floors and have lunch at different times. But instead of being sad about that I'm going to be glad that I work with such great people.

These are things I learned at the conference:
- apparently I am a stream-of-consciousness talker
- when I don't get enough sleep I walk into glass windows because I think they are doors
- some tips on differentiating learning for my math class so my genius kid won't get bored and rude
- my habit of drinking hot sugary coffee several times during the day is THE WORST thing I could do for my voice
- keynote speakers = boring 99% of the time
- Tim Horton's breakfast sandwich = amazing 100% of the time (sidenote: I just tried "samwidge" and then "sandwidge" before getting it right. Something is wrong here.)

These are things I learned from being at HOME home for 8 hours:
- I have the best puppies in the world
- television is not as overrated as I tried to convince myself it was
- a new pet peeve is people planning my day for me because I am an independent grown-up and can plan my day for myself
- I miss having other people in the house when I'm going to bed
- it tastes better when someone else makes the coffee
- sometimes I really don't feel like talking

most of them are truly inconsequential

I'm not sure how I feel about today. Physically I am feeling better, thanks to all the crap I'm putting up my nose and all the water I'm drinking. (That sounded a little bit like I am talking about cocaine, but I promise you I am not. I have this steroid spray from my doctor, and then the Wal-Mart doctor told me also to use this Vics Vapo-rub stuff you inhale, and then I'm shooting salt water in one nostril so it comes out the other nostril and SOMETIMES MY MOUTH. That part is disgusting. Just so that you don't think I'm doing drugs out here in Campbell River.) Also, it was raining this morning but then for a couple of hours it was raining AND turning sunny, and the view from my classroom window was completely spectacular. Also, I woke up with wonderful hair. WONDERFUL HAIR. Then I explained the surface area of composite objects very clearly and in steps, and someone brought cake for the staff room at lunch!

But then my grade sevens were very unruly, and they keep eating even though they KNOW they are not allowed to eat in my class when it is not break time, and it's a new fad or something to eat these stupid super hot peppers on the sly, so then they burst into tears and need to get a million drinks of water while I am trying to teach them about ecosystems. Then my dinner was gross because I ran out of milk so I tried to substitute with cream in the sauce, but that didn't work out, and I put in too much garlic. Then I vacuumed and found a SPIDER and also hit myself in the face with the vacuum.

Now I need to pack my lunch but I don't feel like it, and my throat is scratchy but I am so sick of doing stuff to make me healthy again. I am tired of taking vitamins and pills and gargling and snorting salt water and inhaling menthol and steroids. Also I'm a little concerned about the spider.

shaping up to be a lonely day

Obviously I live on my own, but the past little while has made me feel more ON MY OWN that previously. The funeral for the lady who passed away was yesterday, and I've never been to a funeral on my own before. I've had to do a lot of creative problem solving in my classes. I figured out that my brain doesn't like watching 12 episodes of The Office in a row (there was no one to tell me to go to bed). I decide if and when I clean and/or vacuum my apartment. Nobody else is paying attention to whether or not my milk is expired. On Thursday I got run down by sinuses, and this morning I went to the clinic and did the medication/juice purchase by myself. I ate rice for breakfast, and lemon pudding for dinner, because I'm sick and that's what I felt like. I watched Away We Go tonight, which is a movie about finding home, and it made me feel really lonely because right now when I'm at home I'm by myself.

I don't know when this piece of elastic found its way to my floor, but every time I see it I have a baby heart attack because I think it's a centipede. Naturally, I took a picture of it for you instead of picking it up.

I guess from this angle you can see the fuzz on the end, which clearly defines it as not a centipede. But if you look at it from above, and really quickly, I bet you'll agree with me.