i outsmarted myself and i don't even mind

Today was a snow day. Not really a legit one, because an hour after I called all my students to tell them the whole thing was off, I drove to school and didn't even die. Now it's 5 degrees and the sun is shining, but it's too late to take it back!

I was very productive - I went to school and marked a bunch of stuff, because I hate marking and never want to do it after a whole day of teaching, then I went to the library, and then I came home and watched a movie. Then I noticed that my apartment is really messy, and simultaneously decided I wanted cake. So I said to myself, "I'll mix up the cake and put it in the oven, and while it's baking I'll clean my apartment!"

Everything mixed up okay, and then I started picking things up from the floor. Then my body was like, "Hey wait a minute, I'm still sick over here," and I felt light-headed. So I got some juice and sat on the couch and went on the internet, because hello, I'm sick, and a sick person can't clean an apartment. So now I have cake and I didn't even have to clean anything.

i'm too sick to come up with a title

8:15am -

The sun is cracking through the clouds. This is good; I was worried I'd have to stumble to the doctor's office in the dark. Usually I'm at work at this time, so I can't remember what the sky normally looks like at 8:15 in the morning. I feel like today is going to be epic and strange, and all my students and the staff are going to be all, "OMG WHERE IS SHE?????" but honestly, probably that will not happen. More likely the staff will see the TOC in staff devotions and inquire as to who she is in for, and then say, "Oh." The students will eye her as one would eye an unknown animal when they walk in the classroom, but then become accustomed to her and like her better than me. :( (That's the grade sevens, only, though. My older kids probably won't even notice it's not me.)

I'm dressed in my go-to-doctor's outfit under my covers in bed. It's cold outside.

11:00am -

I thought the clinic opened at 9, because apparently I was calling a different clinic inside a different Wal-Mart than the one I intended. I inspected the toothbrushes in the toothbrush aisle that was beside the clinic for 15 minutes and then figured out I was too early, so I drove around Campbell River for 45 minutes because I didn't want to go back to my apartment. The skies were lovely this morning, you guys. Then the doctor told me it was viral, and I just have to get over it. Then I went shopping, and this is what was in my cart:
- raspberry pop tarts
- eggs (for making lemon pudding)
- 2 cans of juice
- 1 can of soup
- a big jug to make juice in
- a new kind of tea
- honey for said tea
- echinacea

I'm eating a pop tart right now. It may have been a mistake. Just like the cheesies yesterday were a mistake also. I shouldn't be allowed to go shopping when I'm sick.

3:00pm -

I've been busy - I watched a movie, and then had a nap. I actually had a nap during the movie, and then thought I should relocate the nap to my bed, and once I was in bed I wasn't tired anymore. Then I finished my book, and if I was at work my work day would be over now, so I feel like I should do some prep for tomorrow. I mean, I definitely need to do some prep for tomorrow, because I have no idea what I'm teaching my grade eights in the morning, or what we'll do in Socials in the afternoon, so I need to do some stuff.

And thus concludes my first ever sick day as a teacher. Ta-da. (That's what I say to my students when I've finished teaching them something. It makes everything very exciting.)

Dear Howard Keel: I hate you.

Today I am sick. Well, I've been sick for a while. Yesterday, I did a bunch of dishes and then I had to take a nap. This morning I woke up and swallowing felt weird. Tomorrow, which is Monday, which is a work day, I am going to the doctor and then going back to bed. I called in my first ever substitute teacher! It's very strange.

Anyway. After I did some prep and stuff at school, I went to Save-On and this is what I had in my basket:
- 2 bottles of Gingerale
- 3 cans of soup
- sherbet
- yellow cake mix
- cheesies
- caramel rice cakes and also plain rice cakes

 Meanwhile, I watched another musical. I hated it.

7. Kiss Me Kate (1953) - Kathryn Grayson, Howard Keel. This is another with the plot of a musical within a musical, except this one spends way too long with the pretend musical. Usually they show snippets, but this one shows a whole act, which got really boring. It's about this ex-husband and ex-wife who do Taming of the Shrew in musical form together, and in the midst of it they fall in love again and then fight again and then fall in love again. I didn't really like any of it.
     What I disliked was Kathryn Grayson's singing voice - it was wobbly and opera-ish, which I do not care for. Plus, I do not think I will ever watch another Howard Keel musical again, even though I have two others waiting for me. He seems to be synonymous with misogyny; in Seven Brides for Seven Brothers he was a big fat jerk, and in this one he actually SPANKS and humiliates her on stage, all because she got mad at him after she discovered that a nice note he gave to her was actually supposed to be given to his OTHER girlfriend. So yet again, he is completely at fault, and yet the woman takes all the blame. BOO HOWARD KEEL. (I should have known, though - the title screen of the DVD had an image of her over his knee mid-spank. I said, "Uh oh," but continued on nonetheless.)
    Skip this one. Howard Keel sucks. And if you wait the whole movie for him to blow up in a horrible, stage-related accident, you will be disappointed.

most of them are truly inconsequential

I'm not sure how I feel about today. Physically I am feeling better, thanks to all the crap I'm putting up my nose and all the water I'm drinking. (That sounded a little bit like I am talking about cocaine, but I promise you I am not. I have this steroid spray from my doctor, and then the Wal-Mart doctor told me also to use this Vics Vapo-rub stuff you inhale, and then I'm shooting salt water in one nostril so it comes out the other nostril and SOMETIMES MY MOUTH. That part is disgusting. Just so that you don't think I'm doing drugs out here in Campbell River.) Also, it was raining this morning but then for a couple of hours it was raining AND turning sunny, and the view from my classroom window was completely spectacular. Also, I woke up with wonderful hair. WONDERFUL HAIR. Then I explained the surface area of composite objects very clearly and in steps, and someone brought cake for the staff room at lunch!

But then my grade sevens were very unruly, and they keep eating even though they KNOW they are not allowed to eat in my class when it is not break time, and it's a new fad or something to eat these stupid super hot peppers on the sly, so then they burst into tears and need to get a million drinks of water while I am trying to teach them about ecosystems. Then my dinner was gross because I ran out of milk so I tried to substitute with cream in the sauce, but that didn't work out, and I put in too much garlic. Then I vacuumed and found a SPIDER and also hit myself in the face with the vacuum.

Now I need to pack my lunch but I don't feel like it, and my throat is scratchy but I am so sick of doing stuff to make me healthy again. I am tired of taking vitamins and pills and gargling and snorting salt water and inhaling menthol and steroids. Also I'm a little concerned about the spider.

shaping up to be a lonely day

Obviously I live on my own, but the past little while has made me feel more ON MY OWN that previously. The funeral for the lady who passed away was yesterday, and I've never been to a funeral on my own before. I've had to do a lot of creative problem solving in my classes. I figured out that my brain doesn't like watching 12 episodes of The Office in a row (there was no one to tell me to go to bed). I decide if and when I clean and/or vacuum my apartment. Nobody else is paying attention to whether or not my milk is expired. On Thursday I got run down by sinuses, and this morning I went to the clinic and did the medication/juice purchase by myself. I ate rice for breakfast, and lemon pudding for dinner, because I'm sick and that's what I felt like. I watched Away We Go tonight, which is a movie about finding home, and it made me feel really lonely because right now when I'm at home I'm by myself.

I don't know when this piece of elastic found its way to my floor, but every time I see it I have a baby heart attack because I think it's a centipede. Naturally, I took a picture of it for you instead of picking it up.

I guess from this angle you can see the fuzz on the end, which clearly defines it as not a centipede. But if you look at it from above, and really quickly, I bet you'll agree with me.

how woozy my eyes

I woke up this morning with a migraine. Probably this resulted from my unfortunate decision to watch 12 episodes of The Office last night because I was tired and didn't feel like doing anything else. Two previous times when I've had migraines I've discovered that distraction tactics work really well - if I just lie in bed all I'm thinking about it my brain and how much it hurts, but if I do other stuff then I don't notice it or focus on it, and it goes away faster. This morning all I had to distract myself with was cleaning my filthy apartment and doing a plethora of dishes; then I could only read. That didn't last very long, because then I fell asleep, and woke up at 1:30! In the afternoon! Sleeping away the entire day. At least the migraine was mostly gone, so I went to Save-On because I'd run out of food.

While at Save-On, I realized I will never say a bad thing about buggies again. I had a million things to get, but couldn't find a quarter anywhere, so I had to use one of those little baskets. That got uncomfortable really fast, and I ended up with a full basket, plus two hands full of yogurt, eggs, butter, and ear plugs. I gazed longingly at all the people with buggies. I have now realized the worth of such an unwieldy machine.

Also, I've left two little tooth-paste bleach stains on my carpet, just as I feared. However, the person before me left cigarette burns in the same carpet, so I think I'll be okay.

i complain a lot in this one

Today I was chatting with my wonderful new work friend about how unstressed I am presently feeling about THE FIRST WEEK OF SCHOOL starting. Pretty much I'm super chill right now.

Or so I thought. (Dun dun DUUUUUUUUUUUUUN.) (I hope you heard that dramatic music as dramatically as it played in my head.)

As some of you may know because I complained about it a lot previously, I had a bunch of eye infections in a row. Someone suggested to me it may be my stress reaction. I was all, "Psh, no. I'm not stressed." That was a fib, and now that I am wiser I think it might be my stress reaction.

Hey guys, guess what happened to me tonight? Watching tv, watching tv, watching tv, BAM eye infection. Out of nowhere. In both my stinking eyes.

And then when I opened my new mic I will use for Skyping, the plastic encasement sliced open several of my fingers.

And then both my wrists started showing signs of wear and tear which is an indication that I need to wear my wrist braces.

On the first day of school, I am going to have bloodshot eyes, several bandaids, and two wrist braces on. My kids are going to be FREAKED.

adventures in eye infections, part infinity

I exaggerate: it is actually only part three. But it FEELS like part infinity. Yesterday I looked in the mirror and stared into the eyes of ol' Crusty McBloodshot; instead of panicking because I looked like a zombie, my reaction was more like: "siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh." I've already dealt with this twice in a month, WHAT IS THE PROBLEM. I went to the eye doctor a week or so ago, and she did not foresee this, which I think she should have, considering how long I was there and how much it cost. Friends convinced me that it was only allergies, because in Round One my doctor told me it could be borne of allergies, but this morning my eyes were sealed shut and I knew I had to accept my fate and drive over to the stupid walk in clinic.

Neither the nurse nor the doctor even really inspected me. The nurse asked what I was in for, and I said, "I think I have eye infections," and she squinted at me and said, "Yes you do. The doctor is not in yet, but you'll be the first one she sees." Then the doctor came in and barely looked at me and told me I had eye infections and wrote me a prescription. (I didn't think I looked THAT bad, but apparently I was mistaken.) I asked her what was the cause of all this, and she said, "You've been to so many doctors and you don't know what the cause is? The cause is eye infection." I did not find that helpful. To be on the safe side, I bought all new hypo-allergenic eye make-up and threw away all my other miscellaneous eye make-up. That was a sad moment because make-up is really expensive and I blew all my money on furniture and an apartment.

Also, now I can TASTE my eye drops. Is that normal? Maybe instead of asking you I will call the pharmacy.

Tired Out My Knees Down to the Bone

I just returned home from another trek to Campbell River, my soon-to-be-home. I was finally able to meet with the teacher I'm filling in for and get his materials, which prompted a middle of the night freak out: what am I doing? Who in their right mind hired me for this job? Why did they think I could plan these courses I've never taught before? How am I going to teach Math 9 when I don't even know how to use a graphing calculator? What am I going to do with myself in a town that only has 2 Starbuckses? (Although, on that last point, I don't even really like Starbucks anymore, and have made the transition back to Tim Hortons - of which there is one. Also, in theory I will be so busy staying ahead of the kids in Math that I won't have time to leave my apartment. Plus it's not like you'll find me club-hopping on a typical Friday night.)

Mom and I stayed with a family friend and her daughter, and I spent much of the weekend playing "I Spy" and making fairy clothing out of leaves. While that is fun in moderation (who doesn't love a good game of "I Spy"), I am super exhausted. I was literally in bed last night at 8:00pm. And right now I'm about to have a forbidden afternoon cup of coffee to keep me awake during the movie my family is going to for my mom's birthday. (Knight and Day, finally something not in 3D. I've heard it's terrible, and I'm not really fond of Tom Crazy McCrazerson Cruise, but I'm kind of looking forward to it! Naturally I will share my thoughts with you afterwards.)

Now I'm looking for apartments and my eye infection came back. I was so diligent about not wearing make-up and using those stupid drops, and my eyes were perfectly normal for a day, but this morning they were sealed shut again. Boo. But I'm going to sneak candy into the theatre! (Not that that's related in any way, or that they even bother to check anymore. I remember the old days, when they'd check your purse for contraband. Now, even if I'm wearing a giant bag with candy sticking out, they don't seem to care. It kind of takes the excitement out of it.)

The Person Fumbling Here is Me

The first song on my "Move to Campbell River" playlist is going to be "Dreams" by the Cranberries. (I'd link to it, but you wouldn't click it.) I heard it on the radio today, and it's so cheesy and situation-appropriate, so I think it would be wonderful to hear as I pull out of my driveway on the way to my new life (for one year). Also, it's good because I will forever remember it as the song I listened to while pulling out of my driveway on the way to my new life, which I think will be a little sad, and I have impeccable music-memory (meaning that songs always, ALWAYS remind me of the situations in which I heard them), and I don't want to ruin a song I love. I mean, it's a good song, but I'll be content to barely hear it again after it plays its dramatic role in my life.

Today was busy. I've turned nocturnal suddenly, so I sleep in, which wastes half the day. Then I decided to call the doctor, because of an eye-makeup-remover incident which fused my eyes shut. Then I had breakfast. Then I went to the doctor, and a lady gave me her parking slip so I got free parking! Then it turns out I have an eye infection. (Oh, and also allergies. All of a sudden.) I find this funny, because usually I don't remove my eye makeup; I just let it hang around until it feels like it's time to wear away. And while I've heard this is bad for eyes, it has never led to an actual eye infection, but when I decide to be proactive and remove my eye makeup, I get an EYE INFECTION.

I also got a new battery for my mom's old watch, so I wear a watch again. I stopped in 2006 when I went to Peru, and people don't care about time there, so I left my watch behind and just never put it back on. But as I am now going to be a real teacher, I figure that I should have a watch. I haven't looked at it once yet today - I think that will take some getting used to.

Product Reviews: Things That Kept Me From Death's Door

I'm being melodramatic. (I'm quite good at that.) However, I did feel like crap for this whole week, and there are a few things that have kept me going, waging the battle with my ears and sinuses. Some things, like water and toast, will not make an appearance on the list, because we all know that water is boring and toast is awesome.

1. Puffs Plus Lotion tissues (with the scent of Vicks).

I bought these because I was sick of using regular kleenex, that seriously left my nose as red and irritated as the Puffs Plus commercials cartoon noses. I chose the Vicks scent instead of plain because at the time of purchase I couldn't breathe, and I figured that any assistance would be a bonus. I do enjoy the tissues themselves, they are larger and thicker than regular kleenex and can therefore hold more snot. They are also softer, like the commercials say, which is wonderful for my poor nose. However, I do regret the Vicks scent. It actually hurts the inside of my nostrils after a while, leaving a kind of burning sensation that I can't get rid of. Due to that, I alternate between Puffs Plus and regular kleenex. Also, I feel like because Puffs Plus was more expensive, I should save it for when I REALLY need to blow my nose, to make the most of it. 3/5

2. Lucerne Triple Treat Sherbet

Sherbet has been my go-to food in times of sickness, and it never fails me. I love Sherbet. It feels good going down my scratchy throat, and it's light so it doesn't hurt my poor tummy. Plus, the combination of lime, orange, and raspberry flavours wins every time, because why only have one flavour when you can have three? 5/5

3. North and South - Elizabeth Gaskell

I recently became obsessed with the movie, so I thought I'd give the novel a try. And since I can only watch one hour of television per day lest I get an agonizing sinus headache, I needed something else to do with all my time. I'm only on chapter 27, which is about half way (this book is freaking huge), because I don't quite have the attention span for a novel, but it's an okay read. If I didn't already have images in my mind from the movie, I think I would be confused about who and what she's talking about, and sometimes there are really long, boring speeches. Plus it's almost too heavy for my poor sickly arms to hold up. 3/5

4. Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup

I'm not really a soup person, but I recalled soup being a good sore-throat food. I don't like vegetables in my soup, and chicken noodle is the only kind of soup I like, so I had to get little kid soup - the only one without carrots or rice. (Come on. Rice? In soup? Barf.) The can advertises fresh noodles, but I found them to have a weird, soggy texture, and they were too long for my spoon so I kept getting spoonfuls of broth, which is lame. Also, the chicken pieces were SUPER suspect. 1/5

5. Facebook

Without the option of television, and taking into consideration my attention span, the internet is a good choice for me. However, going on Facebook 17 times a day leads me to discover that nobody updates anymore. Come on, guys; I'm bored. Entertain me with stuff. 2/5

6. Tylenol Cold and Sinus

I didn't think they were doing anything for me until I didn't take them for a day, and I felt even more awful than I did before. They didn't really do anything for my sinuses (antibiotics FTW in that respect, Clarithromycin 5/5), but they broke my fever and kept my headaches at bay. I'm pretty sure that all "Cold and Sinus" meds contain exactly the same ingredients (Mom and I compared Contac Complete and Tylenol: samesies), except that Tylenol has a pleasant minty taste. So it's your choice, really. 4/5

7. Minute Maid Orange Punch

"No, Dad, I want orange PUNCH. Not orange juice. I want the one with all the sugar." I dislike orange juice, probably because it's healthy and stuff, but I am a fan of the orange punch. It's so sweet and yummy. I've heard that hot drinks are better for colds than cold drinks, but I get really bored of drinking, so my hot drinks get cold pretty fast and then they are gross. I contribute my improving ability to swallow to this punch. Although it doesn't taste good when it gets to room temperature, so include some ice cubes. Bonus: mix with some Gingerale. Good times. 5/5


I don't know if this was as fun for you as it was for me, but humour me. I'm high on antibiotics and juice.

Our Finest Hour Arrives

Tomorrow's going to be a big day, you guys! I'm going to wear my jeans and a real shirt (instead of my PJ's that I've been wearing for a week), and my mom's going to drive me to the library (because the last time I tried to drive myself somewhere I almost passed out) and I'm going to pick up some stuff they have on hold for me, and then I'm going to put away all the clothes that are strewn about my room! Then I'm probably going to need a nap.

Wish me luck!

Let the World Spin Outside My Door

One of the worst things about being sick is the night time, because I've been sleeping all day so my brain is like, "Uh, I don't need any more of that," and I lie awake for hours. Or else both my nostrils plug at the same time and I can't breathe except through my mouth, and for some reason I can't fall asleep with my mouth open. Or else I keep erupting in giant sneezes and jolting myself awake. In sum: night time sucks.

However, for some magical reason, last night I went to bed at 10:07 after watching the American Idol finale, and this morning I woke up at 6:15. Not only is this amazing because it was unexpected (I had my laptop and a few books and two kleenex boxes at my bedside to pass the time), but because that never happens to me, even when I'm healthy. For some reason, a random interaction of things (hopefully not a potentially lethal combination of my antibiotics and Tylenol Cold and Sinus) bestowed upon me a whole night of blissful rest - no plugged nostrils, sinus headaches, snotty sneezes, or dry coughs.

I emerged from my room and stationed myself on the couch in my fuzzy blanket with some hot chocolate, and heard the morning birds and saw blue sky out the window, and was all of a sudden filled with a great optimistic feeling. Sure, both my nostrils are presently plugged AND leaking snot (how does that happen at the same time?), and I feel like I can't quite catch my breath, and there's drama in the sky with clouds slowly overtaking the blue, but I woke up feeling good and I'm going to try to hold on to that as long as possible.

I Know, Let’s Rest and Drink Lots of Fluids (go to bed part 3)

Me: Not everybody's as good of kids as you guys are.

Mom: ...

Me: Does that make sense? I'm sick. Not everybody's as good of kids as you guys are. Not everybody's as ... What?

Mom: I think you should go to bed.

The DOs and DON'Ts of May Long Weekend Camping: Part Two

I don't know if it was the cold, or the smoke inhalation, or the lack of good nutrition (Corn Pops and Pop Tarts, yum), but I appear to have caught the plague. It's a terrible way to spend a day off, but I am thankful that it happened after I got home from camping instead of while I was out in the bush. Can't you imagine how much fun I would have been?

DO pack clothing for every imaginable weather pattern.

I was only camping for two days, but during that time it rained, was beautifully sunny, snowed, and hailed dramatically. As a person who deeply enjoys weather, I loved it all. (Especially the fact that the rain only lasted for a few minutes before being blown away.) However, my infatuation with the fluctuating weather may not have survived had I not been wearing twenty layers of clothing plus a rain coat.

DON'T forget to consider how the materials of your sleeping bag and mattress will interact.

This sounds silly, but my slippery sleeping bag and slippery mattress combined with a slight incline of a tent is not an effective combination when it is - 15 degrees outside. I kept waking up being freezing cold and scrunched into the bottom of the tent because my stupid sleeping bag slipped down throughout the night. I was insanely jealous of my tent partner, who had a foam mattress and a sleeping bag made of some sort of cloth material, causing her to remain in place while I sunk down like a fool.

DON'T get so emotionally invested in a card game that you forget who your friends are.

We played the Bean Game, which is one of my most favourite games, but unfortunately I let some underhanded maneuvers negatively affect my attitude towards games for the weekend. At one point during the game, I was so angry I actually felt my ears growing hot. Naturally, this led me to say no the next time I was asked to play; I didn't fly into a rage again, but I did sit at the campfire by myself like a loser while the rest of my friends had a blast playing games. Sometimes I don't make any sense.

DO something physically active at least once a day.

Before we left I was assured that there would be no hikes (I am notoriously bad at hikes). However, I learned that walks can very easily turn into hikes without anyone noticing but me - a good strategy for this is to create or point out some sort of photo op in the middle of a giant hill, and then you have time to recuperate without everyone knowing how out of shape you are! (I need to get back in to that skipping thing I tried once.)

DON'T be surprised by the conversations that emerge around the campfire.

It all comes back to the campfire. Conversations ranging from how many people could fit into a pair of super stretchy pants to aliens to theological issues, people passing around candy and spitz and homemade cookies, Ladies Book Club (even though I didn't really participate in this last one - I tried, but always ended up staring into the fire instead)... I miss the campfire. Even though I think it gave me a sinus infection.


The verdict: I am glad I went, and I think I would go again - except next time I will bring a gas mask and a non-slippery sleeping bag. Thumbs up for May Long Weekend.

The DOs and DON'Ts of May Long Weekend Camping: Part One

DO bring some sort of plastic face shield to protect yourself from the campfire. (A gas mask, for example.)

People will give you funny looks, but trust me: you need the protection. When we stopped at DQ in Merritt on the way back I had to blow my nose because it had been runny since that morning, and my snot was BLACK. For serious. I thought I had a horrible disease for a millisecond, and then remembered that basically all I did for two days was sit in front of a campfire inhaling ash and smoke. Don't get me wrong - the campfire is my number one favourite part of camping. Campfires are phenomenal. I would never say a bad word about a campfire. I'm just saying: be prepared.

DON'T eschew water consumption because the outhouse is disgusting.

I think that is the seed that grows the kidney failure. Honestly, I didn't not drink water on purpose, and I am super proud of myself for actually using the outhouse instead of just holding it all weekend (which I did once; true story), and the outhouses were not actually that bad. But still - an outhouse will never be one of my favourite things, and I would rather use a gas station bathroom than an outhouse, but it's not good for a body to reduce water intake the way I reduced my water intake. Maybe that's why I am sick as a dog right now. That and the smoke.

DO bring medical supplies of all sorts.

You can never tell what is going to happen in the wilderness, so it's best to be filled to the brim with polysporin and bandaids. Today around the campfire I noticed a mysterious bloody indent in my finger, and when I was scrubbing camping off my body after I got home I noticed a bruising scrape on my shin and a cut on that webby part between thumb and forefinger. Of course, you need to be aware of your audience if you're going to ask for medical attention: when I noticed the injury on my finger, I got no sympathy whatsoever because I was sitting between a girl who sliced the tops of her fingers off on a razor and a guy who nearly punctured his kidneys by falling off a log.


There will be more to this at a later time, but right now I am exhausted and need to sleep in my warm, solid, unmoving bed and hopefully wake up without this sinus infection I am growing. It kind of sounds like I had a bad time, but that is not the case and there will be fun stories because it was a good time! I'm pretty sure that I am not a camper at heart, but I am proud of myself for going. Thumbs up for personal growth.