and we were all on it

I'm fairly certain I nearly died earlier this week because I got mad at traffic and decided the rules didn't apply to me anymore. The scene evolved thusly: I was driving home from Harrison Hot Springs. There was absolutely no traffic on my drive there earlier that morning, so I was confident there wouldn't be any on the way home, either. All was well until I got to Abbotsford.

"Why don't I have a listen to the traffic station," I said to myself at that time, turning on the radio. How smart I would feel, discovering if there were any accidents or delays so I could adjust my route accordingly. It turned out that was a smart decision, because lo and behold, there was an accident on the highway I was on, in the direction I was going, several exits ahead of where I was.

"I'll exit early," I said, quite pleased with my intelligence, "and take a different way and miss all the traffic!"

But hey, guess what. Everyone else was also listening to the traffic station, and everyone else decided to exit early, and if you're not taking the highway home from Harrison Hot Springs, there is only one other road you can go on. AND WE WERE ALL ON IT.

There was a point somewhere in Langley when I was stuck behind a Wide Load hay truck or something. It was going so slowly that I'd morphed from Good Driver to Angry Driver with my body positioning. (When Angry Driver is at the wheel, I slouch down and put my left foot on the dash beside my steering wheel, and rest my left arm on my knee. Coincidentally, the same position as Casual Driver.) Then the Wide Load hay truck decided to do the rest of us a service and kind of pull over, but not quite, so it was halfway in the lane and halfway on the shoulder. The two cars ahead of me zoomed past it, and I started speeding up to do the same.

It wasn't until I was ever so slightly over the yellow line that I noticed another truck heading towards me, in the opposite lane. What I should have done then was slow down and stay in my own lane, and wait for the oncoming traffic to cease so I could pass the stupid slow hay truck. But I was TOO MAD. I wanted to go FAST. So I kept going! I veered some more over the center line and it wasn't until the hay truck was immediately to my right and the oncoming truck was immediately to my left that I began to wonder if there was enough room for the three of us.

And there was! But there probably shouldn't have been. Probably I should have died. From now on, I should pay better attention to stuff when I'm mad. Or else I have a Ministry of Magic Car! Now you're all jealous.

and now i have to drink all the rootbeer

Today sucks. If I could, I'd punch today on the nose, but the way things have been going I'd probably break my hand on its stupid face. I won't go into details, but to sum everything up I present to you a picture of what happens to a girl who lives on her own with a bottle of pop that seals itself mysteriously over night.

I didn't even close it that hard, but I tried a million things to get it open and now my hand hurts and I'm even MORE mad than when I started. I was going to use the knife to open it, but figured that if I stabbed with all my anger it would probably slip and cut off my thumb.

a prickly cactus, a barbed wire bulldog

I talk about poo and wedgies in this one. And mostly complain. Just FYI.

After much effort, I finally found some runners. Like every other kind of store, Campbell River doesn't offer much in the way of athletic shoe stores, so I was losing hope until I went to this one place that had runners with purple on them. That pretty much decided it for me, plus they were in my budget. (Not having bought runners in about 10 years, I found that I had to up my budget dramatically from my initial idea, but these seemed fairly reasonable compared to all the rest.) When I emerged from my apartment with Charlie on our afternoon jaunt, it felt strange to take steps! Almost like my feet weren't actually stepping at all, just kind of hovering. They were heavier than I was used to, like being dressed in battle gear, but it felt good. Like I was an athlete!

Then Charlie pooed in someone's driveway, and yanked the leash out of my hand so it fell in the poo. When I picked it up, it got on both sleeves of my jacket and also on the poo bag holder. Then I discovered I had a wedgie situation, but there was nowhere secret to go to remedy that. Then, even though I thought I dressed appropriately for the weather with my windbreaker and a long sleeved shirt, the sweat-switch in my body flipped on for every single one of my pores, and suddenly there was a sweat-layer sandwiched in between my skin and clothing. Maybe I'm the only one who is like this, but when I get sweaty I hate everything until I can become less sweaty, but I was still several blocks from home. In poo-covered sleeves, with a wedgie.

I came home and gave my dog a bone with cheese to occupy him while I sit in my room and become less angry.

the subtle grace of gravity, the heavy weight of stone

I go through phases on this grand adventure of mine. Sometimes I am confident and independent and amazing, but then other times I am shy and lonely and feel like I'm five. I don't know if it has anything to do with the weather, or maybe cycles through the week depending on if I'm in teacher-mode or alone-in-apartment mode, or if it's something else. Right now, I'm lonely. I feel like I don't know anybody here, and I've been here for so long but haven't really done anything or made any progress in any aspect of my life. I miss my dog that died. I want hot chocolate and a big stuffed animal, but I've already brushed my teeth and I didn't pack any stuffed animals.

shoulder the sky, my lad

I feel like I screwed a bunch of stuff up, and also had to fight twenty-five turkeys for four hours. We had "Miss W Needs Chill Out Time" time for about five minutes near the end of Math, where I turned off the lights and they had to put their heads down on their desks so I didn't flip out at them. I'm trying to be creative and innovative with consequences and making them aware of their choices and stuff, but I don't think it's working.
Whenever it comes to be around Christmas, I always get super melancholy. I get a tingly feeling in my fingers, which is a precursor for a feeling of impending drama, which is always left unfulfilled except for the fact that it makes me a bit sad. I'm waiting and waiting for something dramatic to happen, and because it's dark outside all the time I expect it to be something bad dramatic, but it never happens so I am left always waiting still. I don't really know how to explain it.

to be showing up like this

This week was terrible and sad and frustrating. My wonderful old dog may or may not be with us at this present moment - my mom said it was time to Make The Decision, but I didn't want to because I'd keep her here forever, so then she asked if I wanted to know when "it" happened, and I said no. Pretty much this is the worst thing that could be happening right now. And one of my math classes is driving me bananas, so I talked with the Vice Principal about it on Friday and he said that I should just send the ringleaders to him, but I wanted to handle it by myself. Now I feel like I can't manage my own classroom. I've been listening to the song "Blood Bank" by Bon Iver over and over again for a few days, and I wonder if maybe I should replace it with a more overtly cheerful song to get me out of the blues.

shaping up to be a lonely day

Obviously I live on my own, but the past little while has made me feel more ON MY OWN that previously. The funeral for the lady who passed away was yesterday, and I've never been to a funeral on my own before. I've had to do a lot of creative problem solving in my classes. I figured out that my brain doesn't like watching 12 episodes of The Office in a row (there was no one to tell me to go to bed). I decide if and when I clean and/or vacuum my apartment. Nobody else is paying attention to whether or not my milk is expired. On Thursday I got run down by sinuses, and this morning I went to the clinic and did the medication/juice purchase by myself. I ate rice for breakfast, and lemon pudding for dinner, because I'm sick and that's what I felt like. I watched Away We Go tonight, which is a movie about finding home, and it made me feel really lonely because right now when I'm at home I'm by myself.

I don't know when this piece of elastic found its way to my floor, but every time I see it I have a baby heart attack because I think it's a centipede. Naturally, I took a picture of it for you instead of picking it up.

I guess from this angle you can see the fuzz on the end, which clearly defines it as not a centipede. But if you look at it from above, and really quickly, I bet you'll agree with me.

a gentle, gentle, gentleman

Today was a good day. Even though I had to give several lectures on tidiness and respect and felt like a parent for much of the day, when the last bell rang and all the kids shuffled out I felt quite peaceful. At lunch I was joking with some of the staff, and then chatting with the VP about a course we both teach, and it suddenly seemed strange that one month ago I did not know any of these people that I see and interact with every day. Now they're such a big part of my life! It's weird.

This is a scene from Socials class today:

Miss W: "The grade eights get two lockers, I'm pretty sure."

Student: "You're wrong!"

Miss W: (sigh) "When you need to tell someone they're wrong, what's a better way of saying it?"

Student: (sheepish) "You could say-"

Miss W: (cleverly) "YOU'RE WRONG!"

Student: (laughs) "Okay, you could say-"

Miss W: (even more cleverly) "YOU'RE WRONG! How does that make you feel?"

Student: "Okay, you could say, 'Sorry, you might be wrong.'"

Miss W: "Yes, thank you. Nobody likes to be wrong, so say it nicely."

Student: "Especially women!"

Miss W: "WHAT."

I can honestly say I have never seen a student more afraid of me than that student was in that moment.

In his defense, I know he is a good kid and didn't mean it disrespectfully - he probably heard something like that said somewhere else and it got a good reaction, so he thought it would be funny. He was so terrified when I came out to meet him in the hallway (which was where I had banished him to), he was almost crying. He said, "Miss W, you didn't let me finish. I was going to say, 'Especially women, because they are usually always right, so it... so...'"

I said, "Is that really what you were going to say, or did you make that up right now to try and make it better?"

Then we had that conversation about respect and women and blah blah blah, and it made me feel very parent-y. I do not think he will say anything like that any time soon.

When I moved, my mother sent with me a book filled with recipes and tips, and one of her tips was, "If you are starving while waiting for your dinner to cook, that is a good time to eat your vegetables so you are healthy and don't spoil your dinner." While waiting for my chicken to cook this evening, I ate a box of Cracker Jacks. I'm pretty sure that's what she meant, right?

set a fire in a blackberry field

I am so cranky right now. I was completely fine this morning, and then I was going to plan my outfit for tomorrow and realized that I couldn't find my black skirt, so I looked on all my hangers to see if I had stuck it underneath another shirt or something to save hangers, and then I pulled all my clothes out of my closet and wardrobe and STILL couldn't find it, and now all my clothes are in a pile on the floor and I am too angry to clean them up. Having a messy room also makes me angry, so every time I look in my room I get angrier. I ended up going to the store to buy a new skirt, because even if I left it at home I was excited about wearing it TOMORROW, and if I have to wait until I go back home to get it nothing I wear will feel good because I wanted to wear a specific thing. Then I have only had one favourite pair of socks my whole life, and today I had to throw them away because they spontaneously erupted in holes. Then I wanted to watch an episode of The Office with my second cup of coffee, but the DVD kept freezing and it wouldn't let me fast forward past the freezing, and it didn't fix after I tried the old pull it out and blow on it trick. I was going to take the DVD out and break it in half in righteous anger, but then realized that DVD's can't feel pain so it would only make me more upset and the DVD wouldn't understand or be hurt by it. Now I have to go to school and meet all the parents in the entire school, because it's the dedication service.

I think this probably stems from staying up last night being worried about zombies.

takes an ocean not to break

Today was a crying day. I only actually shed a tear on two occasions, but I definitely choked up way more times than that. I don't know why - maybe because I think I'm getting sick, or maybe because I wanted to finish my book last night so I stayed up until midnight. Someone needs to come visit me and take all my books away. I almost cried at the end of the day, because it was stressful and awful, and then again when the janitor told me that he'd heard one of my students telling their parents how much they loved having me as their teacher, and then again for some reason when two fire trucks went by me on the street, and when I heard on the radio about a boil water advisory for the Comox Valley. I cried for real when I was watching a documentary about Canadian comedy and the section about John Candy reminded me about my brother and how much I miss my family, and then when they did a section about Phil Hartman and I was sad that he and a bunch of other people from the documentary are dead. This is what I think: I need to stop watching documentaries about comedy because they are sad instead of funny, and I should probably go to bed right now because apparently I am not getting enough sleep.

just burying my luck

Planning, talking about, buying for, packing for, and renting an apartment are all in one category. Actually living by oneself, on an island, away from people who know me is a completely different category. I don't think I can actually conceive of how difficult it's going to be for me, at least for the first while. Nobody understands why my move is in two phases, but I'm glad I did it this way. My brain can slowly wrap itself around the concept of moving away. "Why is there no stuff in my room?" "Oh right, it's because all my stuff is in my OTHER room, five hours away. Where I live. By myself."

One time I got a bloody nose while playing tag on Friday the 13th. This other time I broke my ankle most severely on Thursday the 12th, then had reconstructive surgery on Friday the 13th, but I think it all went okay. The elevators in the hospital broke down, but that may have been on the 14th. Probably unrelated.

Possibly related: this morning I woke up on the irritated side of the bed. My hair is bugging me, the taste in my throat from my eye drops is bugging me, my stupid eyeballs are bugging me, my pants are bugging me, my half-empty room is bugging me, consistently typing = instead of - is bugging me.

I think I want to go through every single blog entry and uncapitalize all my titles, but I'm not sure I'll ever have the time. Also, I don't think it's important enough for all the effort it's going to take.

see what you find there

So my moving truck is packed. It feels strange. I think it's not as sad/weird as it could be, since I'm only moving for three days, and then coming home for a week or so, and THEN I am permanently relocating my person. (Permanently for a year, I mean.) This is what I learned:

- moving heavy things makes people cranky
- it's very important to lift with your legs
- don't put ALL your dishes in the same box because it makes it really heavy and uncomfortably fragile
- moving heavy things makes people cranky

One of the things I am looking forward to about living on my own is that when I am not cranky, there will be no one else cranky in my immediate proximity to infect me with their crankiness. (I know this is hypocritical because sometimes I am cranky for no reason without regard for others too, but I am glad that when I wake up happy I will not be confronted with a grouchy person.)

When thinking about my move, it always comes one extreme at a time. Either I focus on all the good stuff and I am excited, or I focus on all the bad stuff and I am freaking out. Why can't I just have one good thought and one bad thought at a time, to balance each other out? Or, several good thoughts and one bad thought? Why is my brain so dumb?

Also my mysterious wrist pain is back. Bad timing, wrist! Please try again in a few days, when I am not required to lift heavy things.

i know i felt like this before

Today I am discouraged.

I had a grand plan that now I think was a waste of time, and I'm overwhelmed by moving stuff, and I can't get my butt in gear to learn Math 9. I had an awful dream about my future class (I think there were actual piranha-children involved), and the realtor hasn't returned my call about apartments.

However, I got an email this morning that my semi-colon and apostrophe posters have been shipped, and now I'm going to sit in the sun and drink coffee. Maybe that will fix things.

We'll Live on Coffee and Flowers

A recipe that is as good as I am feeling right now:

1 tsp instant coffee
2 tbsp of boiling water (or enough to dissolve the coffee)
a bunch of ice cubes
milk
caramel syrup or something

Dissolve the coffee in the boiling water. Add ice cubes and stir around until the water is no longer hot and the ice cubes are pretty melted. Add in milk to the top of the glass, and caramel syrup or chocolate syrup or whatever to make it awesome.

SO GOOD.

I let my hair air-dry this morning, so I feel like a lion. Nobody really understands what I mean, but if you superimpose my face on to this lion's face, that would be what I look like. (I tried for like 10 minutes to create that via photoshop, but it wasn't lining up and I have to go to work.) (Later: I did it! It might be creepy, so maybe peek through your fingers. I don't think I look this creepy, but at least now you have the general idea of what my hair looks like.)

If you haven't yet stood outside and basked in the glorious sunshine and blue sky that is happening right now, I think you should. Consider it a personal favour to me.

Tick Tock Ticks Out of Control

There are two computers in the office in my house: one is nice and new and fast, and the other is a slow junky junker. So if one were to take a guess as to which computer would be hooked up to a printer, one would guess the new one, right? Right. Unfortunately, the new one didn't want to be hooked up to the printer or something, I don't know, because the printer resides with our old computer which is a STUPID PIECE OF CRAP. I am trying to plan ahead for the classes I am teaching in September, and to do so I needed to print something out, for which I need the old computer. I clicked on the internet icon on the desktop and then multi-tasked for about three hours, because watching it process my request is an exercise in patience that I am not willing to endure. When I returned several moments ago, it was STILL PROCESSING, so I thought that, to aid its slow computer brain, I would click the icon several thousand more times and make things go faster. (This was a bad idea.) It was as though my body was slowly filling up with liquid, and the closer this imaginary liquid was getting to the top of my head the closer I was to hitting my computer in its stupid computer face. Fast-forward five more minutes: I have punched the monitor and now it is still processing and my hand hurts. So instead of literally throwing my computer monitor on the ground, I decided to blog about it. (Lots of people say 'literally' and do not actually mean literally, but this time I really mean literally.)

The old computer monitor is like lavender. Throughout my life I've gotten about 100 hours of sleep total, so I've tried all these methods to help with sleep, and lavender is one of those natural things that is supposed to zonk you out. So I bought lavender essential oil, which was to be placed on my pillow and help me to drift off into a peaceful, lavender-scented slumber. However, it failed to deliver and so I started putting lavender closer and closer to my face, eventually right under my nose, hoping that the more I smelled it the more effective it would be. This was an incorrect hypothesis, so during the month or so of trials I would just lie there, smelling lavender and getting angrier and angrier. Now the smell of lavender is an instant rage trigger, much as I feel that even glimpsing at the old computer monitor will send me into a frenzy. If I were the Hulk, these would be what would make me turn green. The Hulk had whatever it was he had; I have lavender and old computer monitors.

Mr. Sunshine in the Afternoon

There is an influx of produce in my house suddenly. I ate a bunch of fruit on my deck in shorts in the sunshine with sunscreen on, so I definitely feel like it is summer. If only summer would remain at this temperature, I would be a happy clam. However, due to our penchant for destroying the world in the form of global warming, probably it will be 45 degrees for most of August, with a chance of snow in late July. Also it is supposed to rain next week, which is upsetting because I feel cheerful again, and I'm pretty sure it's because of the sun. I will leave a bunch of jars out this evening, catch the essence of summer, and then inhale it in moments of rainy desperation. I'm sure that plan will be a success.

Also, the kids at work are nuts. In a hilarious sort of way.

"Snakes can't eat ice cream! They don't have hands!"

"When we play hangman, who are we hanging?"

"Didn't you say you were doing something exciting today?"
"No, that was just a contract with my lover that I invented in 1901."

"I'm not going to become a teenager - I'm Catholic."

Until a Quieter Time

Lately I have taken to pretend punching my dog in the face. (PRETEND.) He always acts super offended and barks at me, jumping up and trying to bite my hand off. I am comforted by the fact that if anybody actually tries to punch my dog in the face, he will know what to do.

I've been in a foul mood, generally speaking, for a week or so. I thought it sprung from changing my sleeping pattern from ambitious waking-up-at-7-am-in-case-of-TOC-call to a more realistic waking-up-at-8-am-because-I-am-not-nuts. The line between cheerful and grouchy may lie betwixt those morning hours. However, now I am worried that my sleeping pills are altering my moods and I'm going to turn in to a serial killer. I've exhausted (pun) all other natural sleep aids, and my doctor said these are okay - he said I could take three, and I only take one. Probably I should be fine. But if you see me with a murderous glint in my eye, please remove all weaponry from the vicinity and escort me to the doctor. (Thanks in advance.) In the meantime, I will perhaps compromise with myself and aim for a 7:30am awakening and see if that has any affect* on things.

(*I googled it: affect = a verb meaning "to influence;" effect = a noun meaning "result/to bring about".)