Sometimes I feel that I have the worst brain of all the brains. It's like there's a bunch of jerks in there, and their whole job is to mess things up. I will introduce you to some of them.
JERK #1: Reconnaissance
Its job is to find stuff that I'd mercifully forgotten momentarily. But then Jerk #1 is all, "Oh, did you forget about that giant headache you had? Here, let me scour the far reaches of your brain until I find it again for you." "Hey, remember that story you read that was so awful it made you want to vomit? Don't forget about all the details, okay? Those are super important."
JERK #2: Muse
This one is bi-polar and has terrible timing. It occasionally fills me with all the good words that combine to make wonderful stories, usually just as I'm about to fall asleep. Alternately, it randomly freezes any creative inspiration and sucks me dry of words when I want them.
JERK #3: Fixation
It likes to find the stupidest, most mundane detail and grab hold of it and NOT LET GO until I want to punch someone in the face. "Hey! Hey! Someone's making gross eating sounds!" "Hey! This person breathes weird!" "Hey! This person is tapping a random beat!" "Hey! This person is jingling their keys! Listen listen!"
JERK #4: Fantasy
This one is an excellent multi-tasker. It can draw me into a book or movie so deeply that I forget to differentiate between fiction and reality; it can fill my brain with imaginary conversations or scenarios that would never actually happen that way, causing disappointment and/or unrealistic expectations; it can make me afraid of the monsters in my closet. "Listen carefully; there's a haunted ventriloquist dummy scuttling around here somewhere just waiting to rip your heart out!" "Look really closely in that darkened, empty car - a dead body is going to slowly rise from the passenger seat and lock eyes with you." "If you talk to that guy over there, this is EXACTLY how it will go! There are no other possible outcomes!"
Basically I hate them all.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
o how vile a stench springs from thou, angelic beast
THINGS THAT I WOULD LIKE TO STOP HAPPENING:
- music videos that are a big long story with a bunch of talking at the beginning
- people using the words "ironic" and "literally" incorrectly
- classroom teachers thinking they are making my day easier by having it be a project work day ALL DAY
- being unable to differentiate between bored and hungry
- feeling like I need seventeen naps just to get through the day because my iron pills aren't filled with enough iron apparently
- the commercial to song ratio on the radio being like 3:2
- my ears keenly listening for the disgusting sounds people make when they eat, and then fixating on them for the entire meal until I hate everyone
- my dog's farts, especially when his bum is right by my face
- music videos that are a big long story with a bunch of talking at the beginning
- people using the words "ironic" and "literally" incorrectly
- classroom teachers thinking they are making my day easier by having it be a project work day ALL DAY
- being unable to differentiate between bored and hungry
- feeling like I need seventeen naps just to get through the day because my iron pills aren't filled with enough iron apparently
- the commercial to song ratio on the radio being like 3:2
- my ears keenly listening for the disgusting sounds people make when they eat, and then fixating on them for the entire meal until I hate everyone
- my dog's farts, especially when his bum is right by my face
Monday, October 17, 2011
dentist woes
This is another thing that happened that demonstrated to me that I am a terrible grown-up. I went to the dentist in March, and my dentist was like, "Here are some issues. You seem to grind and/or clench your teeth at night, so you need a mouth guard. Also, some old fillings are falling out, so you need replacements." My response is, "Mmhm, yeah. I've just been to the dentist for the first time in several years. I've done my duty by my teeth."
At the time of this dental visit, I had dental coverage from my job in Campbell River. The coverage extended until August, and the dentist recommended I get all this sorted by then. But I'm all, "Nah. I don't like the dentist, so I'm just not going to go back."
I went back this week. And the dentist said to me, "So, your teeth are sort of breaking each other apart with the whole grinding thing. Also, there are these fillings, remember the ones I told you about? They're still falling out. Plus, you have a chip in your tooth, which I think is from the grinding."
I said, "No, that's from my dog." Because one time Charlie was like, "Surprise!" and whipped his head back into my teeth and his little skull chipped my tooth. I thought this was an important detail.
The dentist and the hygienist both gave me a look. "Okay," he said, "but you still need to fix it."
So now I have to pay for all these things, with no dental coverage, because I didn't feel like going when I had dental coverage. Do you know how much all these things cost? So much! Right now I'd really rather spend that money rebuilding my collection of nail polish, because did you know that when nail polishes get old they become goopy and difficult to apply? True story.
At the time of this dental visit, I had dental coverage from my job in Campbell River. The coverage extended until August, and the dentist recommended I get all this sorted by then. But I'm all, "Nah. I don't like the dentist, so I'm just not going to go back."
I went back this week. And the dentist said to me, "So, your teeth are sort of breaking each other apart with the whole grinding thing. Also, there are these fillings, remember the ones I told you about? They're still falling out. Plus, you have a chip in your tooth, which I think is from the grinding."
I said, "No, that's from my dog." Because one time Charlie was like, "Surprise!" and whipped his head back into my teeth and his little skull chipped my tooth. I thought this was an important detail.
The dentist and the hygienist both gave me a look. "Okay," he said, "but you still need to fix it."
So now I have to pay for all these things, with no dental coverage, because I didn't feel like going when I had dental coverage. Do you know how much all these things cost? So much! Right now I'd really rather spend that money rebuilding my collection of nail polish, because did you know that when nail polishes get old they become goopy and difficult to apply? True story.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
a really long rant about bias
I spent a lot of money to get a Psychology degree at Trinity Western University. For five years of my life mostly I just read and took notes and listened to people talk about different psychologists, theories, methods, and so on, so one would imagine that I have a lot of knowledge kicking around in my brain about this topic, right? Apparently the time I spent zoned out and/or playing Solitaire on my laptop and/or skipping class to go to movies interfered with the transfer process from short term to long term memory, because I can only remember like three or four things from my entire degree.
One of these things is BIAS. The one thing that I recall from my awful Statistics course is that there is bias in everything. In dog food commercials they say, "90% of people prefer this brand to grocery store brands," but they don't tell you that basically nobody buys their dog food from grocery stores, they buy their dog food from pet stores, so of course most people are going to prefer some crap from a pet store than some weird stuff from the grocery store.
In toothpaste ads they tell you that "9 out of 10 dentists recommend this toothpaste," but they don't tell you how many people they asked (was it only 10?), who they were (were they the buddies of the guy who makes the toothpaste?), or what exactly the question was (Survey Guy: "Would you recommend this toothpaste over brushing your teeth with icing sugar?" Dentist: "Why yes. Yes I would." Survey Guy: "Bam! 9 out of 10.")
Basically what this means is that I don't trust anything. On Tuesday I went to a Bible study I'd never been to before, and somehow the topic of Bible translations came up, and this one guy showed me a chart his church had done, ranking the translations in order of what is best/most accurate (King James) to what was the worst/why even bother (The Message). Another guy said that he uses the ESV because his church had researched it and said it was the best.
What I thought in my brain but didn't say out loud because I was new and they were both really nice and possibly right after all was, "Yeah, right." Because, one time when I was paying attention in a RELS class at TWU, the prof said that the King James Version is called such because King James was all, "Hey, make me a translation of the Bible." Now, Wikipedia tells me that he wanted everything to be accurate and as close to the original text as possible, but he was the king. If he had a particular view of what he thought should be in the Bible, and some dude is the guy in charge of translating the Bible, might he not be desirous of translating it in such a way as reflects what the king wishes it to say? Because otherwise he might become murdered or something?
I also thought that perhaps the research the church read before endorsing the ESV may have, perhaps, been sponsored by the people who sell the ESV. Because they wish everyone to purchase their translation instead of all the other ones. In another course I took, a lady was doing a speech on healthy eating or something similar, and she said that the reason why the Heart and Stroke Foundation endorses Becel, saying it's the best for your heart etc., is because Becel sponsors the Heart and Stroke Foundation. What if someone who worked for the Heart and Stroke Foundation did some rogue research and found out that Becel is actually crap for your heart? I do not think that the H&S F would be like, "Hey, yeah! Go ahead and publish that. We totally don't care that Becel would be so mad they'd stop paying for all our stuff."
Anyway. I'm not sure why I'm so obsessed with bias all of a sudden, in such a way as that I don't really see the point in researching what kind of biblical translation is best, or why we chose some Old Testament laws to continue following and some to not follow anymore, or what kind of toothpaste to use. Because nobody tells the truth in these kinds of things anymore.
One of these things is BIAS. The one thing that I recall from my awful Statistics course is that there is bias in everything. In dog food commercials they say, "90% of people prefer this brand to grocery store brands," but they don't tell you that basically nobody buys their dog food from grocery stores, they buy their dog food from pet stores, so of course most people are going to prefer some crap from a pet store than some weird stuff from the grocery store.
In toothpaste ads they tell you that "9 out of 10 dentists recommend this toothpaste," but they don't tell you how many people they asked (was it only 10?), who they were (were they the buddies of the guy who makes the toothpaste?), or what exactly the question was (Survey Guy: "Would you recommend this toothpaste over brushing your teeth with icing sugar?" Dentist: "Why yes. Yes I would." Survey Guy: "Bam! 9 out of 10.")
Basically what this means is that I don't trust anything. On Tuesday I went to a Bible study I'd never been to before, and somehow the topic of Bible translations came up, and this one guy showed me a chart his church had done, ranking the translations in order of what is best/most accurate (King James) to what was the worst/why even bother (The Message). Another guy said that he uses the ESV because his church had researched it and said it was the best.
What I thought in my brain but didn't say out loud because I was new and they were both really nice and possibly right after all was, "Yeah, right." Because, one time when I was paying attention in a RELS class at TWU, the prof said that the King James Version is called such because King James was all, "Hey, make me a translation of the Bible." Now, Wikipedia tells me that he wanted everything to be accurate and as close to the original text as possible, but he was the king. If he had a particular view of what he thought should be in the Bible, and some dude is the guy in charge of translating the Bible, might he not be desirous of translating it in such a way as reflects what the king wishes it to say? Because otherwise he might become murdered or something?
I also thought that perhaps the research the church read before endorsing the ESV may have, perhaps, been sponsored by the people who sell the ESV. Because they wish everyone to purchase their translation instead of all the other ones. In another course I took, a lady was doing a speech on healthy eating or something similar, and she said that the reason why the Heart and Stroke Foundation endorses Becel, saying it's the best for your heart etc., is because Becel sponsors the Heart and Stroke Foundation. What if someone who worked for the Heart and Stroke Foundation did some rogue research and found out that Becel is actually crap for your heart? I do not think that the H&S F would be like, "Hey, yeah! Go ahead and publish that. We totally don't care that Becel would be so mad they'd stop paying for all our stuff."
Anyway. I'm not sure why I'm so obsessed with bias all of a sudden, in such a way as that I don't really see the point in researching what kind of biblical translation is best, or why we chose some Old Testament laws to continue following and some to not follow anymore, or what kind of toothpaste to use. Because nobody tells the truth in these kinds of things anymore.
Monday, September 26, 2011
is that my heart floating up there
Today, it was stormy. I was in the middle of watching a new t.v. show about this girl who moves to Alabama to be a doctor, and she meets this super handsome, charming fellow. At one point, they are standing out on a dock and she's telling him that she's moving back to New York, and despite how cheesy the whole thing was, it was well done in that you could see that they both wished she was sticking around so they could figure out how they felt about each other. (Even though later you find out he is ENGAGED to this really mean lady. Aren't they always.)
Anyway, so I was in the middle of that when I went outside with my dog briefly. I was wearing my plaid gumboots and my ugly brown raincoat because it was stormy. Like, really stormy you guys. And I was watching the sky, with the huge dark clouds rolling by, different shades of gray and black swirling around, when I saw a strange shape flying around up there. Is that an eagle, I wondered. Could it be a heron?
I stared at it until the wind shifted and it turned out it was a big heart balloon. The red of it was a stark contrast to how black the sky was. It had a tail string, and seemed to glide and bob around leisurely despite the tumultuous wind surrounding it. I watched it until it disappeared above the clouds.
Then I thought, what is the significance of this balloon. How does it metaphorically apply to my life? Was it saying that my heart is at liberty to dance in the wind and go wherever it so chooses and I can adventure and not be encumbered by another person. Or was it saying that my heart is utterly alone in unstable and uncharted territory, because everyone I know is married and there are no boys that like me and I will die alone.
If I hadn't been watching an emotional boy-girl scene on t.v., I probably would have looked up and said, "Hey, neat. A balloon."
Anyway, so I was in the middle of that when I went outside with my dog briefly. I was wearing my plaid gumboots and my ugly brown raincoat because it was stormy. Like, really stormy you guys. And I was watching the sky, with the huge dark clouds rolling by, different shades of gray and black swirling around, when I saw a strange shape flying around up there. Is that an eagle, I wondered. Could it be a heron?
I stared at it until the wind shifted and it turned out it was a big heart balloon. The red of it was a stark contrast to how black the sky was. It had a tail string, and seemed to glide and bob around leisurely despite the tumultuous wind surrounding it. I watched it until it disappeared above the clouds.
Then I thought, what is the significance of this balloon. How does it metaphorically apply to my life? Was it saying that my heart is at liberty to dance in the wind and go wherever it so chooses and I can adventure and not be encumbered by another person. Or was it saying that my heart is utterly alone in unstable and uncharted territory, because everyone I know is married and there are no boys that like me and I will die alone.
If I hadn't been watching an emotional boy-girl scene on t.v., I probably would have looked up and said, "Hey, neat. A balloon."
Sunday, September 25, 2011
well, some people use their imagination
Old, forgotten review #3.
20. Beauty and the Beast (1991) - Paige O'Hara, Robby Benson. I rented a bunch of old Disney movies from the library, and decided that since they are full of singing and dancing, they count as musicals. In this one, as I'm sure you recall, a prince gets turned into a beast because he's a big fat jerk. There's a pretty girl named Belle, whose father stumbles upon the enchanted castle, and turned into a prisoner. Belle takes his place, and falls in love with the Beast, which ends up breaking the spell and they live happily ever after.
What I liked was nostalgia for my childhood! I watched this movie in the theatre with my family when it first came out. Also, when the Beast saves her from all the wolves, and also when he tries to eat porridge with a spoon. All the songs were fantastic, and since it was the Special Edition, I got extra songs! And, even though I was gasping and GASPING throughout the entire scene (even though I knew what was going to happen), the fight scene between the Beast and Gaston was pretty spectacular; especially the participation from the furniture. :)
There were some things I did not like, mostly because they didn't make any sense. First of all, the Beast got his curse in the first place for being unhospitable to a stranger. So would that not, therefore, make him inclined to assist all future strangers to appear at his doorstep? When Maurice goes to the castle to escape from those blasted wolves, the Beast completely rages out and throws him in the dungeon. If I was him, my first thought would be, "Hey, maybe this dude is another sorcerer trying to see if I've become a nicer person!"
Also, all the furniture is people now, because of the curse. There is no furniture that doesn't talk or whatever. My question is, did he not have furniture in the castle before the curse? Where is it all? There should be a great deal of furniture that does not talk, as it existed as furniture before all the staff was cursed into furniture. WHERE IS THAT FURNITURE?
Also, there's a bit of Stockholm Syndrome going on throughout the entire thing. Which, you know, is always creepy.
20. Beauty and the Beast (1991) - Paige O'Hara, Robby Benson. I rented a bunch of old Disney movies from the library, and decided that since they are full of singing and dancing, they count as musicals. In this one, as I'm sure you recall, a prince gets turned into a beast because he's a big fat jerk. There's a pretty girl named Belle, whose father stumbles upon the enchanted castle, and turned into a prisoner. Belle takes his place, and falls in love with the Beast, which ends up breaking the spell and they live happily ever after.
What I liked was nostalgia for my childhood! I watched this movie in the theatre with my family when it first came out. Also, when the Beast saves her from all the wolves, and also when he tries to eat porridge with a spoon. All the songs were fantastic, and since it was the Special Edition, I got extra songs! And, even though I was gasping and GASPING throughout the entire scene (even though I knew what was going to happen), the fight scene between the Beast and Gaston was pretty spectacular; especially the participation from the furniture. :)
There were some things I did not like, mostly because they didn't make any sense. First of all, the Beast got his curse in the first place for being unhospitable to a stranger. So would that not, therefore, make him inclined to assist all future strangers to appear at his doorstep? When Maurice goes to the castle to escape from those blasted wolves, the Beast completely rages out and throws him in the dungeon. If I was him, my first thought would be, "Hey, maybe this dude is another sorcerer trying to see if I've become a nicer person!"
Also, all the furniture is people now, because of the curse. There is no furniture that doesn't talk or whatever. My question is, did he not have furniture in the castle before the curse? Where is it all? There should be a great deal of furniture that does not talk, as it existed as furniture before all the staff was cursed into furniture. WHERE IS THAT FURNITURE?
Also, there's a bit of Stockholm Syndrome going on throughout the entire thing. Which, you know, is always creepy.
Monday, September 19, 2011
things i want that are awesome
COMFY NIGHT-TIME MUSIC LISTENING!
SleepPhones - Sometimes when I sleep I encounter problems. Many of them are of my own making, but some of them are not! These include, but are not limited to, loud neighbours, other members of the household talking and/or stomping around, and BRAIN OVERLOAD THINK ABOUT ALL THE THINGS. In these cases, I dig out my ipod from my bedside table, create a playlist of awesome, mellow songs, and jam one of the headphones in my ear. I choose the headphone based on which side I feel like sleeping on at that moment, so it's not being pressed into my ear drum by my giant head - obviously, I put in the one that belongs in the ear that is exposed to the air. But I am a fickle sleeper, not loyal to any particular side, and within several minutes I usually decide I want to sleep on the OTHER side. Which means I have to search around my bed/the floor/the air between my bedside table and my mattress to find the remaining headphone, untangle the corded mess, yank the one out of my ear, and jam the other one in my other ear. SOLUTION: soft headphone-y headbanded goodness.
THE LAZY MAN'S FACE-WASH!
Cucumber Face Cloths - I like having a clean face but I hate washing my face. I have to put all my bangs away and take off my glasses and everything. It's this huge ordeal. Plus, I need to take off my eye make-up but I'm scared to use any eye make-up remover because of the whole never-ending eye infection debacle of '10, so I presently scrub at my eyes with water and a cloth. Not sure if that's helpful. SOLUTION: These! Hypoallergenic! No rinsing! I won't need to put my bangs away because there's no water going near them! If anyone can find out where I can purchase them from an actual store, let me know.
THE BEST SHIRT FOR MY SELF-ESTEEM!
A Very Potter Musical t-shirt - Once upon a time I lived in a small town on the Island, WITHOUT CABLE. I dealt with this travesty by renting movies from the library, watching illegally uploaded movies on the internet, finding t.v. shows on various websites, and watching things on youtube. One of the things I watched on youtube was "A Very Potter Musical," which is HILARIOUS. HILARIOUS. At one point, Harry Potter is discussing his crush on Cho Chang, and someone calls her beautiful, and he's all, "What? Beautiful? More like super mega-foxy awesome hot." And then they made shirts! And I thought to myself, here's a girl who often doesn't feel super mega-foxy awesome hot, most of the time. SOLUTION: if I wear this shirt whilst I sleep, the print will subliminally message itself into my brain. Boom. Better self-esteem.
THE TIME AND INGREDIENTS TO MAKE THIS!
Iced Coffee - I love coffee. I love it when it's hot, and equally when it's cold (but only if it was meant to be cold in the first place; not like it once was hot, but now it's cold because it's been sitting on the counter for several hours and maybe a few flies have landed in it unbeknownst to me. Yuck.). Somehow I saw this recipe, which I am hesitant to make because there is no small taster-sized amount. You have to make a whole heck of a lot of it. And what if it's gross? I mean, if you glance upon the pictures it's fairly certain that it will not be gross, but still. SOLUTION: I guess I could just, you know, make it. Or something.
MAKE THE BEST HAIR ALL THE TIME!
The Cloud Nine Wand - Sometimes I tumble out of bed and half my hair looks super fantastic. There are curls popping out of my head that look soft and natural, and everything is smooth and nothing is statically charged. Unfortunately, never does ALL of my hair look super fantastic. If I want it to be all curly and flowing about my head, I have to work some magic with hair appliances. Curling irons, specifically. Which are a nice IDEA, except I always end up with that stupid little kink at the end, where the iron grasped my hair. SOLUTION: tricky tapered tube of heat. Wrap it around tightly for ringlets, or loosely for soft curls. THE BEST HAIR. ALL THE TIME.
SleepPhones - Sometimes when I sleep I encounter problems. Many of them are of my own making, but some of them are not! These include, but are not limited to, loud neighbours, other members of the household talking and/or stomping around, and BRAIN OVERLOAD THINK ABOUT ALL THE THINGS. In these cases, I dig out my ipod from my bedside table, create a playlist of awesome, mellow songs, and jam one of the headphones in my ear. I choose the headphone based on which side I feel like sleeping on at that moment, so it's not being pressed into my ear drum by my giant head - obviously, I put in the one that belongs in the ear that is exposed to the air. But I am a fickle sleeper, not loyal to any particular side, and within several minutes I usually decide I want to sleep on the OTHER side. Which means I have to search around my bed/the floor/the air between my bedside table and my mattress to find the remaining headphone, untangle the corded mess, yank the one out of my ear, and jam the other one in my other ear. SOLUTION: soft headphone-y headbanded goodness.
THE LAZY MAN'S FACE-WASH!
Cucumber Face Cloths - I like having a clean face but I hate washing my face. I have to put all my bangs away and take off my glasses and everything. It's this huge ordeal. Plus, I need to take off my eye make-up but I'm scared to use any eye make-up remover because of the whole never-ending eye infection debacle of '10, so I presently scrub at my eyes with water and a cloth. Not sure if that's helpful. SOLUTION: These! Hypoallergenic! No rinsing! I won't need to put my bangs away because there's no water going near them! If anyone can find out where I can purchase them from an actual store, let me know.
THE BEST SHIRT FOR MY SELF-ESTEEM!
A Very Potter Musical t-shirt - Once upon a time I lived in a small town on the Island, WITHOUT CABLE. I dealt with this travesty by renting movies from the library, watching illegally uploaded movies on the internet, finding t.v. shows on various websites, and watching things on youtube. One of the things I watched on youtube was "A Very Potter Musical," which is HILARIOUS. HILARIOUS. At one point, Harry Potter is discussing his crush on Cho Chang, and someone calls her beautiful, and he's all, "What? Beautiful? More like super mega-foxy awesome hot." And then they made shirts! And I thought to myself, here's a girl who often doesn't feel super mega-foxy awesome hot, most of the time. SOLUTION: if I wear this shirt whilst I sleep, the print will subliminally message itself into my brain. Boom. Better self-esteem.
THE TIME AND INGREDIENTS TO MAKE THIS!
Iced Coffee - I love coffee. I love it when it's hot, and equally when it's cold (but only if it was meant to be cold in the first place; not like it once was hot, but now it's cold because it's been sitting on the counter for several hours and maybe a few flies have landed in it unbeknownst to me. Yuck.). Somehow I saw this recipe, which I am hesitant to make because there is no small taster-sized amount. You have to make a whole heck of a lot of it. And what if it's gross? I mean, if you glance upon the pictures it's fairly certain that it will not be gross, but still. SOLUTION: I guess I could just, you know, make it. Or something.
MAKE THE BEST HAIR ALL THE TIME!
The Cloud Nine Wand - Sometimes I tumble out of bed and half my hair looks super fantastic. There are curls popping out of my head that look soft and natural, and everything is smooth and nothing is statically charged. Unfortunately, never does ALL of my hair look super fantastic. If I want it to be all curly and flowing about my head, I have to work some magic with hair appliances. Curling irons, specifically. Which are a nice IDEA, except I always end up with that stupid little kink at the end, where the iron grasped my hair. SOLUTION: tricky tapered tube of heat. Wrap it around tightly for ringlets, or loosely for soft curls. THE BEST HAIR. ALL THE TIME.
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