of all the things that do not belong in my bed

One of the nice things about being a single lady with firm principles is that I get the whole bed to myself. I can flip over, kick the covers off, flip over again, yank the covers back on, punch the pillows, get rid of some pillows, add some pillows, again and again until day breaks without the worry of disturbing anyone. Sometimes, I can read a book literally all night long. LITERALLY. (And you know how I feel about the word literally.) I don't think any of those things can continue to happen if I gain a bedfellow. (Also reason #8 why my dog can't sleep on my bed even though he's a grown-up now.)

So anyway. Here I was, settling in for a night of reading until the wee hours of the morning, When Suddenly. I felt a wee tickle on my thumb and there was a speck in my peripheral vision. I was not immediately alarmed, as I commonly get specks in my peripheral vision, and I proceeded to re-locate the speck so I could follow it out of my line of vision and be done with it, until the next one comes along. (That's how I get rid of them. Floaters, I think is the scientific name?) Scanning to re-locate... scanning...

YOU GUYS. IT WAS NOT A SPECK. IT WAS AN ANT. ON MY THUMB. IN MY BED.

How To Proceed When One Discovers an Insect in One's Bed

Step 1: Immediately vacate said bed. Freak out for a bit. (Quietly, mind you. Be respectful of others in the house.) Turn on light.

Step 2: Shake out hair and clothes, scrub at skin to ensure Insect is not currently residing on one's Person.

Step 3: Silent, hysterical laughter while inspecting ceiling and windowsills for potential Insect Nests whence Insect may have sprung.

Step 4: Proceed to area with a soft space upon which One will spend the remainder of the night. Under no circumstances bring any bedding from original Bed to the new location. Who knows how many Insects are festering therein. Collect assorted pillows, blankets, etc., from elsewhere in house. Fashion a make-shift bed.

Step 5: (Optional) Lifting with One's legs, heave dog kennel (with Dog inside, bewildered) out of original Bedroom and stumble therewith to Temporary new location. Take care to avoid crashing into doorknobs, walls, and such.

Step 6: (Optional) Accidentally awaken One's Mother via Steps 4 and 5. Mother will then tuck One in to make-shift Bed, draw the curtains to block out Ambient light, kiss One upon One's head, and retire to her enviously, fortuitously Insect-Free bed.

Step 7: Sleep fitfully, if at all. All noises will be too loud. All specks, all bits of fluff from blankets etc. will be Insects. All shadows will be Monsters.

Step 8: Upon morning's merciful Arrival, wash everything and then vacuum everything also. Scan with intense precision all corners, crevices, and objects Insects might be inhabiting. Shower, lest the source be some sort of Nest in One's Hair.

Step 9: Take a really long Nap.