the key to success

Behold my all-time fantastic never-fail strategy:

I'm a pro at applying this to basically all situations.

1. Babies. Everyone gushes over babies. I don't know what to do with them and they are so soft and bendy that I worry about damaging them. Don't give me the baby. I won't even look at the baby.

2. My job. As a Teacher-On-Call, there's so much uncertainty! Sometimes I know where I'm going the day before, but you guys, sometimes I don't. It's all very unsettling. So hey! I wish the phone would never ring. I can't plan and I don't know if it's going to be a good day or not, so let's just not even try.

3. Handsome fellows. Is there a handsome fellow in the vicinity? He probably won't be interested in me. I can't think of anything to say. Don't make eye contact with the fellow. If he tries to speak to me (which he won't), politely answer in as few words as possible, a la conversation with old person who remembers you from when you were this tall but you have no idea who they are.

4. Junk that needs to be cleaned up. Is there crap in a room that is causing a tripping hazard? Might it be somewhat important crap, or something I might need in five years or possibly never? Shove it in a box and shove the box in the closet. Bring it along when I move because there's nothing else to do with it. Bring it along again when I move again.

5. Talking to people. I am so bad at this. Even with my own family! Everybody got together for my grandma's birthday last week, and instead of talking to people I sat in a chair with my uncle and we both eavesdropped on other people's conversations. 

You should all try it.