if i could just short-circuit my nose somehow

Does anybody else go completely bananapants crazy when they hear people chewing food? For some reason that is the thing I hate the most. As soon as I hear someone's food sloshing around in their mouth as they prepare to swallow, it's like my brain turns around in my skull and everything fades from relatively normal to homicidal mania. There was this boy I liked one time, who was not a very nice boy and I knew that and all the things that were wrong about him did nothing to dissuade me from my misguided affection, until one time I heard him chewing and I could hear his food sloshing around in his mouth and that was it. I said, "Oh, I see now," and I stopped liking him in that INSTANT. (If you know a lot about me, you know that it's difficult for me to stop liking someone in an instant. So this was big news at the time.)

In this one movie where Ashley Judd gets meanly broken up with by Greg Kinnear, she goes to the doctor to see if he can disconnect her nose from her brain so she doesn't remember Greg Kinnear every time she smells laundry or whatever, and I think that what I would like is for a doctor to disconnect my ears from my medulla oblongata and then I can sit around the dinner table having normal conversations, instead of wishing that everyone would JUST STOP CHEWING.

besides which you see

I'm very "home"-minded right now. I have these ideas for what to do with my mainland home, like paint my room purple and BUY A DOG. (That's totally the plan now. I'm going to buy a dog when I come back for good in June, except I want a dog NOW, especially since there are young Border Terrier dogs available for rescue and I want a Border Terrier because there is a Border Terrier-sized hole in my heart where my wonderful old dog used to be.) I was going to go to Scotland in the summer, since my contract at the high school is for twelve months even though I'm only working for ten, so I'm getting paid for two months of not working, which is probably never going to happen again. However, since I think (I think) I have a job as a substitute with the Surrey School District (!!!!!!!!) in September, I have re-evaluated my goals at this stage in my life and I think I should use that money to buy a car and a dog.

Also, I've been having some crisis thoughts about my work as a teacher. Am I too strict/mean? Am I leaving some kids behind? Am I actually teaching the Math kids any Math? Are they losing a whole year of education because I don't know what I'm doing? I don't know if these thoughts about work are normal. I went out for coffee with a friend who is newly an accountant, and she was self-conscious about her ability to account, so maybe my self-consciousness about my ability to teach is just something that goes along with you when you're new at something.

Last night when I was watching Maria swing her guitar around and sing about how she has confidence in herself, I was thinking how great it would be to listen to that song on repeat in the morning before the kids come. It will be like my "Rocky" theme, except about confidence instead of punching.

apparently, we're both suffering from a deplorable lack of curiosity

Merry Christmas everyone! Now I'm watching The Sound of Music, except for at this moment because it's the "climb every mountain, ford every stream" song which I dislike on account of it being the most boring part in the whole movie. If anybody has any recommendations for wonderful, old musicals, let me know. Apparently I'm in a phase.

In my stocking I got a candy cane practically as big as my whole face. I love candy canes, as long as they're mint and ESPECIALLY if they're old and chewy. Everyone's always like, "Ew, old candy canes. Garbage!" and I'm always like, "Nooooooooooooooooooo!" and try to rescue them from the trash so I can chew them. Chewy candy canes > crunchy candy canes. I'm going to try and buy a bunch on Boxing Day sale tomorrow, and save them for next year so I'll have whole BOXES of spectacular chewy candy canes.

Lastly (the nun is belting out the final lines of that stupid song), I have new glasses! They are purple and lovely. Also, it's a new prescription finally, so I basically have x-ray vision.

not so much as a "kiss my foot" or "have an apple"

Hey guys! It's Christmas Eve! I am in my pajamas and watching White Christmas for probably the seventh time, while simultaneously looking it up on imdb. For instance, did you know that Danny Kaye wasn't even supposed to be IN it? And that Vera Ellen doesn't actually sing any of her own songs? And that her waist was 21 INCHES??????????? And that part where Bob and Phil dance the ladies' dance in the ladies' costumes wasn't in the script, but Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye were fooling around on the set and did that for fun and they stuck it in the movie because it was awesome? I am a font of information. This brings to mind this internet comic that I saw which is amazing and completely appropriate for this situation, where the heading is "BEFORE THE INTERNET," and there are two people sitting on a couch. One person says, "Oh, no! I just thought of something I wanted to know more about!" and the other person says, "I'm so sorry." I wish I could find it for you. It is so perfectly suited.

The family went to the Christmas Eve service at church, and I give it an A+ for music and message, but a D- for punctuation on the power point slides. Every single slide was missing some sort of valuable punctuation, which distracted me because it occurred to me that without punctuation the songs either make no sense, or mean something different. For example, there's the old, "Hark the herald angel sing," which should be "Hark, the herald angel sing!" otherwise you think that Hark is the name of a herald angel. Also, whereas I always see is as

What Child is this who laid to rest
On Mary’s lap is sleeping?

it should be "who, laid to rest on Mary's lap, is sleeping." And "bring Him incense COMMA gold COMMA and myrrh," but I think that is a relatively new grammar rule.

(Actually, you probably don't care about any of that. Sorry. But I am the girl who owns a poster about when to use a semi-colon, and also about how to use apostrophes.)

losing your eye was your own fault. now what do you want.

Yesterday a friend and I went out for sushi and then watched White Christmas, which I had never seen fully up until this point but had always seen bits on t.v. and thought it was super boring. Turns out that when you watch the whole thing at once it's not boring at all, but is actually quite wonderful. When it got near to the end, I predicted that it was going to snow and they were going to kiss, and I was totally right. I'm smart about movies like that.

Speaking of movies, while my friend and I were waiting for our sushi we went to the movie store because they were having a buy 2 get 1 free sale, and I went a little bit crazy for $5 movies. This is what I bought:
- Penelope
- Corpse Bride
- America's Sweethearts
- Big Fish
- Royal Tenenbaums
- Igor
- Charlie Bartlett
- Nicholas Nickelby
- Elf
- Shrek the Halls
- Ever After
- Danny Deckchair

I'd never seen Charlie Bartlett or Igor, but it cost less to buy then than to rent them, and I watched them both today. (We had early dismissal at school, so I was a little bit bored.) I liked the former and disliked the latter. Also, two Christmas movies because as a teacher I think it's important that I build up my Christmas movie collection for early dismissal days before Christmas break.

On Sunday I'm driving home for two weeks, so I'm supposed to pack tomorrow. I started today, on account of being bored, and I discovered it's hard to pack for two weeks. I wish to put my tiny apartment in a box and bring everything with me. At least I'm taking the car, so I have space for the Christmas tree and half my wardrobe.

This is what I'm excited about:
- being back at home for more than one and a half days
- seeing my dog
- seeing everybody I know and miss!
- taking a break from wrangling hooligans all day

I'm going to miss the wind, though. Campbell River has spectacular wind.

not so grinchy now

I finally decorated for Christmas, you guys! First I vacuumed my apartment, and to do so effectively I had to move the giant box with the Christmas tree my parents sent up with a friend when she came to visit, and suddenly I had a thought: Hey, how about instead of moving the box around, I take out what is inside of it?

So I did. It's a small tree that came equipped with its own lights, pine cones, and cranberries or something, but I added some little purple balls to it. Also, I artfully arranged the bouquet of flowers my family sent me in front of it, so you could see all the Christmas things I have in one picture. (I have lights, too - I'm not sure if I'm willing to put in the effort to put them around my window. You know, getting up on a chair, sticking those clippy things into the wall, plugging them in... ugh.) So here is my new Christmasy apartment, for your viewing pleasure.

how festive everything feels now!

the purple balls add so much, I think

see how large it looks from this angle!

ooh with the lights off

can't you just hear Charlie Brown Christmas in your head as you gaze upon my tree?

these are my flowers!

Also, presently I am baking a cake for my staff Christmas party tonight. As soon as I closed the oven door I had a frightening moment of wondering whether or not you could bake a cake in a glass container, since all the cake-baking containers my mom used were tin or whatever. I had visions of the bowl exploding in my oven, shooting gobs of cake batter all over my new Christmas tree. However, my mother informed me that it will be okay, so now I can enjoy the smell of baking cake in my apartment.

Also, this morning I drove three hours round trip for the best cheese in the world. IN THE WORLD. Spicy cheese! All the stores in Campbell River have two kinds of cheese: cheddar and mozza. Boo. I bought six packages of cheese to hopefully last me a long time, because it was quite a drive. While I was there, this little black kitten literally climbed up my leg and into my arms, and then started purring and swatting at my bangs. My heart swelled and I again considered getting a cat for my apartment, because sometimes it's really nice to be sat on and purred at, you know? I don't know where I'd put the litter box, or if my tiny apartment is big enough for a cat, or what... but I was sorely tempted to abscond with that little black kitten. A lady passed by while I was petting it and said that the lady in the store said it was a barn cat in training, which made me very upset, because this little cat clearly liked snuggling and barn cats don't snuggle. Reluctantly I put it down and bought my cheese, and then spent the whole drive back thinking about getting a cat. What do you think? Is a tiny apartment too tiny for a cat? Will my cat be lonely because I am at school for a long time always? Conundrum.

shoulder the sky, my lad

I feel like I screwed a bunch of stuff up, and also had to fight twenty-five turkeys for four hours. We had "Miss W Needs Chill Out Time" time for about five minutes near the end of Math, where I turned off the lights and they had to put their heads down on their desks so I didn't flip out at them. I'm trying to be creative and innovative with consequences and making them aware of their choices and stuff, but I don't think it's working.
Whenever it comes to be around Christmas, I always get super melancholy. I get a tingly feeling in my fingers, which is a precursor for a feeling of impending drama, which is always left unfulfilled except for the fact that it makes me a bit sad. I'm waiting and waiting for something dramatic to happen, and because it's dark outside all the time I expect it to be something bad dramatic, but it never happens so I am left always waiting still. I don't really know how to explain it.

no more mistakes with my magical invention

It's going to sound lame and cryptic, but this is what I wish: I wish that you could get little suits of armour for hearts, and then BAM you would be impenetrable. And all the wonderful people who would do good things for you would be somehow magically given little keys to open up your little suit of armour, and if someone didn't have a key they couldn't get in. Then there would be none of this business where you're like "Hey! Come on in!" and don't realize until it's too late that it was a mistake to do that, because you could tell RIGHT AWAY if someone had a key or not. I think that would be great.

On another note, today in the parking lot of Save-On I successfully checked my oil ALL BY MYSELF, completely unsupervised. Not only that, but I also remembered how many little dots are supposed to be covered with oil, so I could tell all by myself that I didn't need to add any oil at all. But if I had needed to, I have oil AND a funnel in my trunk. I am so prepared.

is it ever really yelling time

Yesterday my students had a giant test on acceptable and unacceptable behaviour, because they have been driving me bananas. After that, during Bible class, I asked them about what kind of volume was acceptable, and one student said, "WHISPERING AND NOT YELLING." I said, "WHY NOT YELLING?" and he said, "BECAUSE THIS IS BIBLE CLASS, NOT YELLING TIME." I found this hilarious because he and I were on opposite ends of the room, having that conversation at yelling volume, and I liked how he called it "yelling time."

It's sunny today! It hasn't been sunny in a very long time. I think I will go to the beach, after I make a dent in my giant pile of marking. Of course, since the ground is covered in frost, I will need to go to the beach in a scarf and gloves. I love going to the beach in a scarf and gloves!