massage therapy: a sideboob saga

I don't know if any boys read my blog, but I talk a little bit about boobs in this one here. So maybe give it a pass if you don't want to hear a tiny bit about boobs.

I have pretty much the worst posture in the world, and also I spend a lot of time on the computer. Plus I dislike holding/carrying things, so every morning I shove my purse and lunch kit into a backpack instead of hanging on to them like a fool. For some reason all these things have combined to launch an attack on various muscles in my neck/back region. This I could handle like a champ, until yesterday when my ARMPITS started to hurt. Come on! Armpits?

So I made an appointment at a massage therapist for today, because a friend of mine at work does that and it's covered by my new medical plan! Which is fantastic. Except that this morning I all of a sudden thought - am I going to have to take my clothes off? I think they sometimes do that for massages. I was too shy to ask the person who told me about the place, so I just worried about it until I got there and filled out the forms and then went into the room and met the lady. Even then it wasn't until she actually told me to take the clothes off the top half of my body that I actually knew what was actually going to happen.

"You can leave your pants on, but take everything else off and here's the blanket and this is where your knees go," the lady said. She had a lot of tattoos.

These are not the kind of instructions you want to misunderstand, so I clarified. "This comes off, and then I slide in there?"

She nodded, and then left for me to take care of the rest. As soon as my top half clothes were off I shimmied onto the table and tried to arrange my arms so that there was NO SIDEBOOB. It was at this point that I realized that I'd forgotten to take my glasses off, even though I needed to smoosh my face into the donut thing that's designed to hold faces. I didn't want to get up in case the lady came back and saw actual boob, let alone sideboob.

I stayed put and held them until she came back and took them from me, but then I had to move my arms so she could put shoulder pillow things under my shoulders, so I had to stretch my arms by my side. It's difficult to keep arms pressed at sides with shoulder pillows and also trying to be relaxed so I wouldn't ruin all the muscle relaxing she was doing. I was trying to imagine what everything looked like from the top, where she was standing - was I effectively hiding my thunder?

(Just kidding. I don't actually think of my boobs as my thunder. I just wanted to use that line because I miss Arrested Development.)

And THEN, while battling sideboob anxiety, I was also imagining what my face looked like. I felt a bit like an idiot. Put your hands on your cheeks and pull back, so everything is tight and ridiculous, and that's what my face looked like. Then I realized that I was staring at the ground and she couldn't see my face, so all I had to worry about was my boobs hanging out for the world to see.

Until she tried to fix my armpit muscles. I don't know why I didn't think about this before, but I did not shave my armpits prior to the appointment, which I DEFINITELY SHOULD HAVE. So I was not relaxed during that portion of the thing, which might have negated the massage effects. I was going to apologize, but thought that might make things awkward. Also, when my face was smooshed in the face thing, it didn't matter if my eyes were closed or not, but when I was on my back I was suddenly conscious of should my eyes be closed or open? If my eyes are open do I look bored or creepy? If my eyes were closed would I look asleep or creepy? It was all so stressful.

In the end, I'm not sure if it was all worth it. Sometimes it didn't feel like she was doing anything at all, and other times it felt like it might be helpful. Maybe if I went again, I'd just get over the whole boob-anxiety, and also I would definitely shave my armpits.