that's a curious name for a motorcar

Lately it's come about that every time I walk into the staff room at work I start singing the song "Truly Scrumptious" from one of the best movies of all time, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. The first few times it didn't strike me as odd, because I watched that movie innumerable times when I was younger and probably also some of my students were singing it in the hallways to be obnoxious and get it stuck in everybody's heads. Eventually, however, it started to concern me. Why did it happen every time I walked into the staff room? Was somebody trying to subliminally control me into buying candy? Was somebody watching the movie on a constant loop in a nearby classroom? WHAT WAS GOING ON???

Today, I solved the mystery. For the past couple weeks there has been a box of those arrowroot-style baby cookies on the staff room table. In large white letters on the side of the box is the company name: TRULY. Obviously, since baby cookies are scrumptious, therein lies the connection. I don't know why I didn't put the pieces together sooner; I may have to rethink my side career as an ace detective.

at least i survived and got free pizza

Today I had fifteen parent-teacher interviews. Fourteen of them were fantastic, and I heard, "You're doing a great job! We're on your side!" fourteen times. Then at the end a parent said their child said, "I asked her to explain it again and she just explained it the same way! That wasn't helpful at all!" and now I think I'm a terrible teacher and why do I have this job and I'm letting all my kids down. I'm a little bit discouraged right now.

i think i'm coming in second, though

I've just finished preparing notes for my first ever parent-teacher interviews. Every year at school apparently there is a contest to see which teacher gets the most interviews, but the winner is really the loser because who wants to have the most interviews. It's not really a crown I desire to wear. Also, I wasn't told until it was nearly too late that I need to schedule in pee breaks for myself! It was actually too late for Thursday, so I have 16 interviews in a row, from 4 until 8; I got to Friday in time and was able to block of a 15 minute section of time for me to get a cup of coffee from the staff room and catch my breath.

All the cupboards in my apartment keep closing on me. At first I only noticed it in my plates cupboard, because when I was putting my dishes away I kept bumping into it with my shoulder and getting angry; recently I heard a crack when I opened my bathroom cupboard, which did something mysterious and destructive to it because whenever I open it now it tries to slam shut. We wrestle at least 3 times a day now. I have a feeling that one day I'm going to snap and rip off all the cupboard doors. Then I DEFINITELY don't get my damage deposit back.

confidentially, this is not my favourite temperature

I need to set out a plan in writing so that I don't end up in this same exact situation every single day: I am freezing. My fingers are little icicles. Every key I push could be the one that shatters my icicle fingers into a million little frozen finger shards that will subsequently scatter all over my carpet, but I won't be able to vacuum them up because I think my vacuum has a spider family growing in it presently.

This is how it happens. I come home from work, peel off all my layers, and am toasty warm from the exertion of walking up the stairs to my apartment and unbuttoning all my jackets and unswirling my scarf and then yanking off my gloves. I think, "Man, I'm warm! I will never be any other temperature than this! Only a fool would turn on the thermostat at this time!"

Then I putter around my apartment for an hour or so, until one moment I suddenly realize, "What the crap just happened? I AM FREEZING COLD." So I run to my thermostat and turn it up to high, and then it takes ten billion years to heat up my tiny apartment, and then it's time to go to bed so I turn it off because I don't want to burn down the place whilst I sleep. (Because I am worried about doing this, I put a yellow post-it on the wall under my thermostat when it is on to remind me to turn it off.)

Tomorrow I think it will be different. Maybe I will LEAVE the post-it there, and when I get home I'll be like, "Wait, what? Did I leave the thermostat on all day??" and then I will think back to what I just said just now, and turn it on before I have a chance to freeze. I think that is such a smart idea.

my life is now complete

This is my favourite thing that ever happened.

The scene: math class. Attempting to teach about multiplying fractions by whole numbers.

Student: "That's not even math, that's just thinking!"

Miss W: "Well, what do you think math IS?"

[pause, then epiphany] Student: "... thinking?!"

this is what i do now

My hair swishes when I walk. It makes walking a lot more fun. Today after school I was walking down the hall and my hair was swishing and it was very exciting.

Speaking of walking, I am trying to learn a new way of walking. I read on the internet that when you walk with your chest out and shoulders back and lead with your hips it makes you look more successful and confident. People keep thinking I am a highschooler instead of a high school teacher so I think if I look more successful and confident when I walk they will not make that mistake again. This is what I am learning: it is really hard to change the way you walk. I keep tripping.

i don't know if i look younger or older

I got my hair cut last night! Now it swings above my shoulders. The lady was really chatty, which is something I dislike. They always make me take off my glasses and when I can't see it appears that I can't talk also. However, at the same time as I wish we could just be silent without seeming rude, I also feel pressed to make small talk. Small talk is also something I dislike. I end up asking questions like an idiot and babbling on about my life, sharing details that I'm pretty sure strangers don't care about. While I was in the chair I started noticing the inflection of my voice when I asked questions, and how it seemed strange and forced, and I wanted it to be normal! But when you focus on things like that, it's impossible to make them normal once you're thinking about them.

you're suggesting the wrong things

I don't have cable or a cat, so sometimes in the evenings when I'm done making lunch for the next day and have brushed my teeth and am in my pj's, I like to watch movies from the library. (It's the same as getting them from the movie store except that it's free.) Tonight I watched The Shop Around the Corner, with James Stewart, which is what You've Got Mail is based on. It was spectacular, and so I perused amazon.com for similar suggestions that I can get from the library because I don't know a lot of old movies.

Do you know what kept coming up? Casablanca. And also, Gone With the Wind. Those two are frequently on the top of "old romantic movies" lists. But listen: if everybody dies at the end, or they don't end up together and living happily ever after, IT'S NOT A ROMANTIC MOVIE. It is a DEPRESSING movie. Stop trying to sneak it in on the same lists as The Shop Around the Corner. (I get very angry about this because I don't want to accidentally watch a depressing movie.)

Also: people who were in those super old movies were generally way more talented than people who are in movies these days. They could sing AND dance AND talk really fast AND make their hands shake when they're arguing with James Stewart.

it's called a spider house but really it just kills them

Today I was at Home Depot with my parents to look for screens for my windows, and on the way in I pondered whether or not I should get a fire extinguisher for my apartment. It has built in sprinklers, you see, which are KIND OF like a bunch of tiny fire extinguishers, except for that in addition to putting out the fire they'd also wreck all my stuff. Also something weird keeps happening with the burners on my stove, so a few days ago when I was cautiously watching my stove cook my dinner I wondered what would happen if it suddenly burst into flames.

Anyway, who should be walking by at the exact same time as my ponderings but the deputy fire marshal! He turns around and goes, "Um, yes. I am the deputy fire marshal." So I bought a fire extinguisher, if only to humour that bizarre coincidence. I also bought some duct tape, and clear duct tape, and a roll of screen to duct tape to my window (because hey, did you know that they don't sell actual screens for actual windows anymore? You have to buy all the pieces and assemble it yourself. I have neither the time nor the skill set to do such things, so my mom and I duct taped some screen to my window. It works perfectly fine.), and some houses to trap spiders in, and some clips to hang twinkle-lights up around my window. The people at Home Depot in Campbell River are SO HELPFUL. Every time my mom and I stopped for a second, somebody in an orange apron appeared out of nowhere and asked us if we needed help.

Anyway, after we left my mom realized that the deputy fire marshal who happened by and told me to buy a fire extinguisher was also the guy who showed her two different places for me to live in when she was looking back in August! Except they were kind of dingy, and also two-levels, which I am not interested in. I don't want all the monsters to be able to hide on the bottom floor when I am sleeping on the top floor, and also the opposite of that.

Anyway. I just thought that was super random. You probably know that guy, too. I think he is coincidentally related somehow to everybody who ever existed.

why haven't i heard this before

I just found a website boasting of 15 "original techniques" to tie your shoelaces. Now I feel like a fool for tying my shoelaces the unoriginal way for 25 years. I have a lot to catch up on, apparently.

oh coffee you conundrum

When I linger over it in the morning, it takes forever to drink my coffee. When I bring it to school with me, I take big swallows in a hurried manner, so I can chew gum to get rid of my coffee breath before my students come in. (No gum allowed, not even for teachers.) I guess in the morning my attention span isn't even long enough for one gigantic cup of coffee. At least I turn my gears on when I get to work.

Speaking of work, I was there for a million hours on Saturday writing report cards, and then again for 5 more hours on Sunday finishing report cards, so I think it's only natural that I really don't want to go back there today.

Oh wait. Thinking about work has made me take large gulps of my coffee. CORRELATION.