he knowses his toeses aren't roses

What I do now, after a long day of teaching exponents and ecosystems and road rules and 1 Chronicles to a bunch of kids who don't want to learn about any of that stuff, is come home and watch musicals. I was never particularly fond of musicals before, but ever since a friend introduced me to White Christmas this Christmastime, I love love love them. Now I watch them all the time, and I will tell you what I think about them because I know you care deeply for my opinion.

1. White Christmas (1954) - Bing Crosby, Danny Kaye, Vera Ellen, Rosemary Clooney. I've already talked about this one a lot, but I will say it again: I love it. LOVE IT. Plus, even though it says "Christmas" in the title, it's totally not a Christmas movie until the end, so you could watch it right now. My favourite parts are Rosemary Clooney's face and how she smiles and also her singing voice, and how high the mens' pants are, and Danny Kaye's voice breaking when he's propositioned, and watching Vera Ellen dance.
       What I dislike is how there is a misunderstanding and nobody TALKS about it, so Rosemary Clooney goes off in a huff for nothing because if she'd just SAID something to Bing Crosby before she took the train she never would have had to break up the act. I also dislike that I always get the "Sisters" song stuck in my head. Plus, isn't it weird that somebody's name is Bing?

2. The Sound of Music (1965) - Julie Andrews, Christopher Plummer. I'd seen this one loads of times, but my mom got it for Christmas this year, so we watched it again, and I liked it even more since I like musicals now. My favourite is when they sing about what are they going to do about Maria, and then she runs in frantically because she's late, and then she sees them, freezes, sighs, and stomps off. I do not like the song the old nun sings, or the fact that Christopher Plummer was a jerk for the whole time they were making the movie, or that the movie is not at all what happened in real life.
      Also, even though I dislike him personally, I enjoyed Christopher Plummer's singing voice, and then I found out it wasn't even him! One negative thing about me liking musicals is that initially I thought everybody was so talented, but then I discovered that in fact they are NOT talented, they just steal someone ELSE'S talent and dub it in as their own. Now I'm cynical; tonight when I was watching The Band Wagon, I was looking at the lady dancing and I thought to myself, "She's probably not even doing that dancing herself."

3. Seven Brides for Seven Brothers (1954) - Howard Keel, Jane Powell. This one was completely stupid. It is about this stupid, giant, cocky, mountain bear man who goes into town one day and is all, "I need some sugar, and a shovel, and some cheese, and a wife!" The people at the store are all, "Uh, we don't sell wives here." So he goes through the streets singing about the qualities he would like in a wife, which are of course, being pretty, and slim, and a good cook, and willing and able to do all the chores. He finds some girl who meets all the criteria, but first he's like, "I'm not going to marry her unless I like her cooking!" so he tries her stew and likes it, and proposes, and she accepts, and then she finds out that really he just wanted an un-paid servant/maid for all his stupid, giant, cocky, mountain bear man brothers. She's actually pretty cool, though, and flips the breakfast table over on all of them for being jerks, and they start to like her.
        Then they decide that they should go into town and steal women to be their wives, so they do, and the women scream and cry and faint whilst being absconded, but guess what happens? THEY FALL IN LOVE. With the stupid, giant, cocky, mountain bear men who STOLE THEM FROM THEIR BEDS. Plus, a bunch of other stuff happens that prove the original guy to be pretty much the worst man ever to exist, but somehow it comes about that his WIFE is the one who has to apologize. Plus, all the songs are stupid. This is the worst musical ever. Do not watch it. (The Dutch title is the only good thing about it: "Zeven bruiden voor zeven broeders.")

4. Singin' in the Rain (1952) - Gene Kelly, Donald O'Connor, Debbie Reynolds. I love this one. What I've been noticing is that a lot of musicals are like behind the scenes movies about making musicals, where they not only sing and dance in the musical they are pretending to film (the meta-musical, if you will), they also spontaneously burst into song and dance in real life. This is about Gene Kelly is a silent movie star who is in a fake relationship with his co-star for publicity, but she's not a very nice person and he secretly hates her. (Not secretly, actually - he tells her all the time.) Then he meets Debbie Reynolds, who makes fun of him and so he falls in love with her. Then movies start coming out with sound, so his studio freaks out and tries to turn Gene Kelly's newest silent movie into a sound movie, but it's a total disaster, until Debbie Reynolds and Donald O'Connor save the day. It's super awesome. My favourite is when he sings in the rain, and how awful the mean girl is, and Debbie Reynolds' costumes. I do not care for the fact that apparently Gene Kelly was a big fat jerk in real life. But you still should watch this movie! It's great.

5. Once Upon a Mattress (2005) - Carol Burnett, Tracey Ullman, Zooey Deschanel. I rented this from the library because I was looking up musicals and it came up and I thought it sounded neat. It was okay - I like the old musicals better because of the dancing and the costumes. (Although the costumes in this one were pretty spectacular.) It's like the princess and the pea story, with Carol Burnett as the weird mom who makes it impossible for her son to get married, and then there's this lady, Zooey Deschanel, in the court who needs to get married because she is pregnant, but nobody can get married before the prince does. So she sends her boyfriend to find a princess who will pass the queen's insane test, and he brings back this crazy princess from a swamp, who is actually awesome.
      I loved Tracey Ullman in this, and all the ladies had amazing hair, and the princess was great. I disliked Matthew Morrison's face and hair, but luckily he was not in it that often. Plus, there was a weird part at the end when the king got his voice back and he was being a jerk to the queen - even though she was a jerk to him first, I did not like it. I wish people would stop being jerks. You will probably be okay to not see this one.

6. The Band Wagon (1954) - Fred Astaire, Cyd Charisse. I watched this one because when I was looking up trivia on Singin' in the Rain, there were lots of comparisons about Gene Kelly and Fred Astaire, who were apparently buds with super different dancing styles. Also, whereas Gene Kelly was not always the nicest person to be around, apparently Fred Astaire was super awesome, so I wanted to see him in something. It was a little weird in this movie, because he looked so much older than the girl he was kissing, and he seemed so out of place in the movie with his high pants and his small head. Although, they might have done that on purpose because one of the points of the movie was that he felt too old to be in musicals and he used to be famous but people forgot about him.
      What I liked was to finally see him in something, and watching him dance because he is awesome, and also Cyd Charisse in all her different personalities that changed with her costumes, and her white skirt that was my favourite. I disliked when they kissed at the end, because it was really awkward and I looked it up and he was 54 when they made the movie and she was 32! Which isn't so bad, not like she was 19, but they looked so far apart in age that it was weird. He was born in 1899, you guys! Before the 1900s! I know obviously people were born before the 1900s. But still. This one was not my favourite, but it was still pretty good.

Now you're all caught up on my opinions. Stay tuned for more! I got to borrow a bunch from a friend before I came back after Christmas break, so I've got tons waiting to be critiqued. Just you wait.