We'll Live on Coffee and Flowers

A recipe that is as good as I am feeling right now:

1 tsp instant coffee
2 tbsp of boiling water (or enough to dissolve the coffee)
a bunch of ice cubes
milk
caramel syrup or something

Dissolve the coffee in the boiling water. Add ice cubes and stir around until the water is no longer hot and the ice cubes are pretty melted. Add in milk to the top of the glass, and caramel syrup or chocolate syrup or whatever to make it awesome.

SO GOOD.

I let my hair air-dry this morning, so I feel like a lion. Nobody really understands what I mean, but if you superimpose my face on to this lion's face, that would be what I look like. (I tried for like 10 minutes to create that via photoshop, but it wasn't lining up and I have to go to work.) (Later: I did it! It might be creepy, so maybe peek through your fingers. I don't think I look this creepy, but at least now you have the general idea of what my hair looks like.)

If you haven't yet stood outside and basked in the glorious sunshine and blue sky that is happening right now, I think you should. Consider it a personal favour to me.

Time in a Bottle

I've been wearing my mom's old watch for a few days, and I'm getting better at looking at it! (Although I guess I can start calling it my watch now. Pretty sure my mom doesn't harbour any sort of emotional attachment to it because she left it at my grandmother's house for 30 years without noticing.) Yesterday I noticed something weird on the hour-hand, and shortly thereafter I noticed that the 1 and the 2 were missing from the watch face. Then I looked closer at the thing on the hour-hand, and discovered that it was the 1 and the 2! Just going along for a ride. Now they're both stuck around the 8, and I'm not quite sure what to do. Probably it's not an emergency, and if it costs anything more than $2 I am not paying to get it fixed. As long as none of the other numbers start falling off I should be fine, because I'm a really bad estimator and will be an hour late or early for everything if I have no actual numbers to guide me in this telling-time business.

Also, I wish I had found some other title for my last blog post because that title would have been PERFECT for this one.

Tick Tock Ticks Out of Control

There are two computers in the office in my house: one is nice and new and fast, and the other is a slow junky junker. So if one were to take a guess as to which computer would be hooked up to a printer, one would guess the new one, right? Right. Unfortunately, the new one didn't want to be hooked up to the printer or something, I don't know, because the printer resides with our old computer which is a STUPID PIECE OF CRAP. I am trying to plan ahead for the classes I am teaching in September, and to do so I needed to print something out, for which I need the old computer. I clicked on the internet icon on the desktop and then multi-tasked for about three hours, because watching it process my request is an exercise in patience that I am not willing to endure. When I returned several moments ago, it was STILL PROCESSING, so I thought that, to aid its slow computer brain, I would click the icon several thousand more times and make things go faster. (This was a bad idea.) It was as though my body was slowly filling up with liquid, and the closer this imaginary liquid was getting to the top of my head the closer I was to hitting my computer in its stupid computer face. Fast-forward five more minutes: I have punched the monitor and now it is still processing and my hand hurts. So instead of literally throwing my computer monitor on the ground, I decided to blog about it. (Lots of people say 'literally' and do not actually mean literally, but this time I really mean literally.)

The old computer monitor is like lavender. Throughout my life I've gotten about 100 hours of sleep total, so I've tried all these methods to help with sleep, and lavender is one of those natural things that is supposed to zonk you out. So I bought lavender essential oil, which was to be placed on my pillow and help me to drift off into a peaceful, lavender-scented slumber. However, it failed to deliver and so I started putting lavender closer and closer to my face, eventually right under my nose, hoping that the more I smelled it the more effective it would be. This was an incorrect hypothesis, so during the month or so of trials I would just lie there, smelling lavender and getting angrier and angrier. Now the smell of lavender is an instant rage trigger, much as I feel that even glimpsing at the old computer monitor will send me into a frenzy. If I were the Hulk, these would be what would make me turn green. The Hulk had whatever it was he had; I have lavender and old computer monitors.

The Person Fumbling Here is Me

The first song on my "Move to Campbell River" playlist is going to be "Dreams" by the Cranberries. (I'd link to it, but you wouldn't click it.) I heard it on the radio today, and it's so cheesy and situation-appropriate, so I think it would be wonderful to hear as I pull out of my driveway on the way to my new life (for one year). Also, it's good because I will forever remember it as the song I listened to while pulling out of my driveway on the way to my new life, which I think will be a little sad, and I have impeccable music-memory (meaning that songs always, ALWAYS remind me of the situations in which I heard them), and I don't want to ruin a song I love. I mean, it's a good song, but I'll be content to barely hear it again after it plays its dramatic role in my life.

Today was busy. I've turned nocturnal suddenly, so I sleep in, which wastes half the day. Then I decided to call the doctor, because of an eye-makeup-remover incident which fused my eyes shut. Then I had breakfast. Then I went to the doctor, and a lady gave me her parking slip so I got free parking! Then it turns out I have an eye infection. (Oh, and also allergies. All of a sudden.) I find this funny, because usually I don't remove my eye makeup; I just let it hang around until it feels like it's time to wear away. And while I've heard this is bad for eyes, it has never led to an actual eye infection, but when I decide to be proactive and remove my eye makeup, I get an EYE INFECTION.

I also got a new battery for my mom's old watch, so I wear a watch again. I stopped in 2006 when I went to Peru, and people don't care about time there, so I left my watch behind and just never put it back on. But as I am now going to be a real teacher, I figure that I should have a watch. I haven't looked at it once yet today - I think that will take some getting used to.

The Moon Reflects Such a Beautiful Light

The book I just started reading has a lot of folded over pages in it. Now I'm concerned that it sucks, because a large number of people abandoned it before they finished. I haven't yet decided if I should cave to peer pressure and give up now, or persevere and make my own decision. I'll let you know what happens.

That car I looked at yesterday didn't work out. I'm disappointed because it would have been simpler if it had, and now I have to keep looking and I don't really know how or where to look. I think that everyone who posts a car on craigslist is trying to scam me, even though I have no basis for that thought, and I don't know where else people post cars. So far I'm pretty zen about the whole thing because I have lots of time, and also because stuff keeps falling into my lap. Perhaps the perfect car awaits me, I need only be patient.

One of the things I love most in the world is seeing the moon in the daytime. I don't know why, but it always makes me smile. It's like the moon is saying, "Hey guys! What's up?" and I think it's adorable. Other times, like right now, I can see a fullish moon surrounded by a foggy ring, and it's kind of creepy; but I will always love surprise daytime moon.

"There is no way out!" *gasp* "I'm just kidding. The door's right over there."

Yesterday the parents and I saw Toy Story 3 for Father's Day. Toy Story in 3D, mind you. And hey, guess what? Nothing came jumping out at my face. WHAT IS THE POINT OF 3D IF NOTHING COMES JUMPING OUT AT YOUR FACE. I need to write a strongly worded letter to someone about this, especially if 3D televisions actually become a thing.

Anyway. The short film at the beginning was a huge disappointment. I thought it was dumb and pointless. It was about some weird cartoon dudes who were just outlines, whose insides were daytime and nighttime. One was daytime and one was nighttime, and they fought about it, until the sun rose/set in each one and they realized they were the same or whatever, I don't know. What happened to the good shorts at the beginning of Pixar movies? Come on, Pixar. Step up your game. (Although apparently it is about racism or something, so maybe finding it the most boring thing on the planet makes me a bad person.)

I liked the actual movie, though, even though it didn't get very good reviews - maybe it wasn't as original as the first two, but I actually gasped aloud at several points, and laughed really hard at others, and it was really scary at one part! If you're debating whether or not to see it, you should go for sure. The only part I didn't like was at the end when Andy moved away; Mom started crying and I got a little emotional as well, because I too am moving. (ART REFLECTS LIFE! Oooooooooooooh.) Also I was distracted during some parts because I thought Ken was being voiced by George Clooney, but I looked it up when I got home and it turns out that it's Michael Keaton. So if you go see it, and say to yourself, "Hey, is that George Clooney?" it's not.

That's pretty much it. Not a very riveting post, guys, sorry. I'm on my way to work, and then to look at a car that I can't afford.

Like That Hole in Your Boot

My poor baby toes are sporting some hefty blisters from traipsing around Vancouver Airport in new shoes today. I forgot you aren't supposed to wear new shoes for extended periods of time. Even though these shoes are expensive! And so pretty. I've heard internet rumors about stretching out leather shoes, but all the methods involve water and I'm worried that will ruin them somehow. Also, the internet has a history of feeding me vicious lies, for example the cake in a mug debacle. I think I will call the store tomorrow and see what they suggest.

I also have huge knots in my shoulders again from kayaking. My mom rubbed some sort of salve on them that she bought on the cruise ship we were on in March, and I guess it's working but I think what I need to do is lift weights to improve upper body strength, and also stretch before and after. I will not give up, though, because I'm part of a sport finally and I like it. On Saturday Mom and I went back to the river we took our lessons in, and we got waved at by all the boaters! By the real boaters! Then we discussed good places to kayak with some REAL kayakers, who did not look down upon us because it was our first time in our new kayaks. Like we are now part of a club! And then the coast guard came, but we were already out of the water which is good because we don't yet have throw ropes or bilge pumps, which is illegal. (Tsk tsk.)

I'm starting to freak out about money. I don't have very much right now, but I need a lot of it to prepare for my job, where I will soon have a steady income. The timing isn't right. If only they could pay me my whole salary NOW, so I could buy a car and insurance and a popcorn popper and pay two month's rent + security deposit. A few minutes ago I remembered that God has taken care of me so far, so I need to have faith that He will continue to do so. And maybe tomorrow I will go to the bank to meet with somebody about a loan or line of credit or whatever it is that gives me free money for a little bit.

Cold Water Surrounds Me Now

The hot water doesn't work in my house. That is to say, if I'm interested in anything more than a trickle I am out of luck. This happens a lot, and every time it does I think to myself, "I'm no baby. I can handle a cold shower." But truly, I am a baby, and I can't handle a cold shower. Have you ever taken a cold shower? Gasping for breath the whole time makes the effort ineffective. It reminds me of the one time I went to CreationFest, and because I didn't want to pay for hot showers I got to have a shower with a hose. A HOSE.

Anyway. Also, I received an email from my new boss (MY NEW BOSS!) saying my contract is in the mail and I should be receiving it shortly. My contract! I've never signed a contract before. I mean, a real one. I signed one at TWU, but that was about conduct, not employment. I am going to be included in staff emails and everything!

At one point, in the middle of the night a few nights ago, I thought to myself, "Have I made a huge mistake?" But only once, and only for a second. Other than that, everything seems to be working out ridiculously well. I've gotten a bunch of free stuff, because apparently you need a heck of a lot of stuff when you move out, and I'm looking at a car on Monday. Most of the time I am excited about all the stuff that's going to happen, and barely ever am I afraid of teaching Math 9.

I didn't have to go to work today so I didn't really talk to anyone all day, which I think is why I repeated myself a lot just now.

One Foot in Sea, One on Shore

Who remembers Bill Nye the Science Guy? Those were the best science classes in grade five, when we got to watch episodes of that phenomenal show instead of reading the textbook or whatever. My favourite parts were when he'd go, "DID YOU KNOW THAT..." and then tell you something awesome, and then be all, "...NOW YOU KNOW." Sometimes I try to whip that out in real life, but nobody seems to get it. Maybe I don't have the correct booming, echoey inflection that made it work. I should carry around a bullhorn with special effects for the next time. For now, you need to imagine it in your head.

DID YOU KNOW THAT...

Apparently "ambivalent" means "simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings (as attraction and repulsion) toward an object, person, or action." For my WHOLE LIFE I thought it meant that you couldn't care less. Like, I have no opinion, I'm ambivalent. Then a few days ago I found out what it actually means, and I can't believe it! How have I lived almost 25 years thinking it meant something completely different? How many statements have I made that make no sense or are inaccurate because I was using a word wrong! I need to buy a pocket dictionary and then consult it before I ever speak again.

This is relevant because I am feeling ambivalent about moving. I am really excited, but also scared. It's like when I told my grandmother last night; she said, "I'm happy... but also sad." That is exactly how I feel.

... NOW YOU KNOW. (What ambivalent means. That was the point of this.)

Brightness Fills Empty Space

The scene: mother is watching t.v., I am downstairs taking care of my brother's cats while he is in Winnipeg. The phone rings.

Mother: Every time the phone rings I get butterflies!

Me: Why?

Mother: I think it's Campbell River calling for you!

Me: It's way too early. They won't call today.

Muffles as mother picks up the phone. Pause.

Mother: Laura!

Me (as I walk up the stairs): Wouldn't it be funny if it was them, because I just said it wouldn't be them? (Into the phone) Hello?

Lady: Hello, Laura? This is -- from Campbell River Christian School. We would love to offer you the job as middle school teacher that you applied for.

Me: ... Really?

Because as I felt my heart getting set on the job, I also became worried that I came across as not mature enough, or not experienced enough. I really wanted to go, but I didn't want to want to go, in case they settled in favor of someone older, with more practice, who doesn't accidentally ramble on about Jane Eyre.

You guys! I'm moving to Campbell River! I'm going to be a teacher!

Dreams of Orca Whales and Owls

Random fact about me: I am unable to see wildlife.

"Did you see that eagle?"
"What? Where? Man, no."

"Hey, there's an otter!"
"Where? There?"
"No, it's gone."

"Check out that deer!"
"What deer? Where? I only see trees!"

"There's a bear! Right in front of your face!"
"What? Where? I can't see it!"

When I was driving in Campbell River, I thought I saw a deer jumping! Like, some sort of hybrid rabbit deer! Alas, it was only some fool on a bike. Every time I am in the wilderness, or driving through it, I hope to be the only person to see some wild creature. I can even picture what kind of smile I will have, the kind of smile that says I have a secret because I saw something you didn't, and the people I'm with will be all, "What? Why are you smiling like that?" and I will say, "Oh, nothing," but be internally reveling in the fact that I saw something nobody else saw.

If you are ever with me, and you see some sort of neat wild creature, you can steal my fantasy smile. Because I will NEVER GET THAT MOMENT.

Ten Days of Perfect Tunes

I know some (all?) of you dislike watching clips of stuff. And yet I persist in posting clips of stuff. If you have never watched a clip of something I've posted, detach yourself from that habit and watch these clips I have compiled! Because really, it's not watching, it's listening. And these are the best songs in the world.

You'll Go Far - Jenn Grant

Fake Empire - The National

Skinny Love - Bon Iver

Daisy Chains - Youth Group

Her Morning Elegance - Oren Lavie

You're Too Cool - the Zolas

Full and Bright and Blinding Through

I feel like a different person today than I was a month or so ago. There've been lots of changes and personal challenges - even slight ones, that aren't a big deal to other people but are huge to me. I went to a concert and I went camping - both things that I'd said I would never do again. I'm not usually the kind of person who gives things another try; if it sucked, I probably won't do it again. But here I did.

This week has been pretty intense, as well. On Monday I had a really bad TOC experience, and on Tuesday I went back and fixed it. The message from the principal on Monday night: "I understand if you don't want to come back, but we need someone for that class again..." Of course I had to go back. I refused to let the setback (and twenty-one grade two students) win. Which, if you look at the previous paragraph, is already a change in my attitude. And, I am proud to say, I completely turned it around and had an awesome day. The kids made me stuff! (On Monday they didn't make me stuff. It was a pretty awful day for us all.)

On Wednesday I drove all the way to Campbell River by myself, which was long and lonely and something I have never done before. I answered endless, sometimes perplexing questions and confidently sold myself in front of five very intimidating individuals. Incidentally, one of the hardest parts of this experience was navigating my giant car onto the ferry. Those lanes are way too small for giant cars.

On Tuesday and Thursday I took a kayaking course, and on Thursday I DID A WET EXIT FROM MY KAYAK. Which I have already mentioned, I know, but I can't get over how significant a personal victory that was. I had to take off my glasses, because the instructor said they might fall off and sink to the bottom of the river, and usually that act in itself renders me paralyzed. (If you are blind as a bat without your glasses, then you know how I feel.) However, not only did I surrender my glasses, I also purposefully tipped myself over, into the river, whilst constricted by a kayak skirt, with severely limited vision, and hoisted myself back into the kayak, and emerged from the whole situation alive and victorious. Even though it took me about ten minutes to convince myself to tip over in the first place.

On Friday I went to work, which felt so mundane compared to all the other stuff I'd been doing, and so far today I've been flat on the couch watching movies and recovered from crazy muscle spasms because I did not stretch after the kayaking excursion and stressful Island driving. So clearly, I haven't learned everything about life that I need to in this past week, but I am still very proud of myself.

I think that'll be it for conceited, ego-maniacal posts for a while. Thanks for bearing with me.

Moats and Boats and Waterfalls

There are two kayaks sitting in plastic in my garage. Little do they know, soon their insulated, calm world is going to be ripped from them and they are going to be tossed into a freezing cold body of water. It may take them a moment or so to adjust, but have no fear: they will learn to love the job they were made for.

You see, my mother and I are not foolish, and thus waited to use them until we could use them safely. Tonight was the final night of our kayaking course, and now we are informed and certified. I DID A WET EXIT FROM MY KAYAK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RIVER*. I have almost never been so proud of myself as I am right now. (There was that time I did the Grouse Grind. That was also very impressive of me.)

With that in mind, I have composed an ode to kayaking. Because I'm like that.

An Ode To Kayak

O kayak --
You challenge to mind and body
upper-arm-strength tester,
fear-of-sinking confronter;
stand faithfully beneath me,
patient as I tumble in
(and tumble out) -
bright red beacon of buoyancy.

O kayak --
o tow rope, o bilge pump,
o government-sanctioned whistle,
together we learn to scull,
to pry,
to draw.
Sun sets on water as I confidently guide you
forwards,
backwards,
and in circles.

O kayak --
you protect me from waves wrought
by drunk teenagers in a motorboat,
but not from the plague of mosquitoes
carried on the cool river breeze.
(I forgive you this trespass,
as you forgave when I accidentally ran you aground).

O kayak --
together we cut a silent path
through my doubts and lack of muscle tone
(but only in calm water, of course).


*(Wet exit = flip over kayak so you are upside down in the river, kick self out of kayak, emerge from river, turn kayak over, climb back in. I KNOW.)

Completely Current Pop Culture Reference Ahead

Round trip ferry: $80

Full tank of gas: $60

Dinner midway between Nanaimo and Tsawassen: $6

Accidentally rambling on about Jane Eyre and the Bronte sisters and then cutting myself off mid-sentence because I remembered I was in a job interview: priceless.


p.s.: again with the seven day creation versus thousands of years! WHY IS THAT SUCH A BIG DEAL ALL OF A SUDDEN.


p.p.s.: all this is not to say the interview went badly; they are just now in no doubt of my true personality, which can be overwhelming at times and is supposed to be subdued in this kind of setting. So then I'm not really sure how it went.

"Everyone knows that books are better than life! That's why they're books! "

Last night I had a dream that a friend and I were at Powell's Books, and I was sitting on the floor reading all these books, and it was pretty much the greatest dream ever. (And also true-to-life, because that friend and I are going there some time this summer, for reals. I have some crazy psychic dream powers sometimes.) I love bookstores. Especially used ones, because the lighting is dim and the floors are creaky; it feels more like a library than a store, and I love libraries. I have started a list of all the books I want to look for, but mostly what I am excited about is walking through the aisles and being surrounded by books. (So many books. You need a map. Which you can then use as evidence at the border when they don't believe you drove to Portland for a day to see a bookstore.)

Through the Jungle Through the Dark

Some context for my last post: I'm freaking out a bit at the prospect of moving to Campbell River for a teaching job. On one hand this is super exciting, especially in light of my awesome TOC stint on Monday - I realized that I love teaching so much that I would go wherever I had to to do it. (I was a lunch time supervisor, wandering around outside with my reflective vest and settling disputes such as, "She won't let me play," "They're talking about me behind my back," and "I really DO think that climbing this old, dead tree is safe!" Could I BE any more of a teacher?) On the other hand, moving far(ish) away from home and having to pay rent and buy my own groceries and teach grade nine math is scary. Also, what if I move to Campbell River and then all of a sudden Surrey wants to hire me? What if I take the job and move away and I don't fit in with the staff, or I discover that I can't teach grade nine math? What if I go insane with loneliness? I should not count my chickens before they hatch (or is it eggs? Don't count your eggs before they hatch? I don't think I've ever actually used that phrase before.), so I need to stop worrying about it. It's an interview, not a job offer. Chill out, self.

On another note, why do some people pronounce 'human' as 'yooman'? When does 'h' EVER make the 'y' sound? Never. It never does. Stop saying it that way.

The Barnacle on my Back

I don't like having to make significant decisions because I'm worried about making the wrong one. I don't like when things are complicated because I don't know what to do.

That's it. At least the plague has almost left me and I'm almost back to normal. There's that.