if i could just short-circuit my nose somehow

Does anybody else go completely bananapants crazy when they hear people chewing food? For some reason that is the thing I hate the most. As soon as I hear someone's food sloshing around in their mouth as they prepare to swallow, it's like my brain turns around in my skull and everything fades from relatively normal to homicidal mania. There was this boy I liked one time, who was not a very nice boy and I knew that and all the things that were wrong about him did nothing to dissuade me from my misguided affection, until one time I heard him chewing and I could hear his food sloshing around in his mouth and that was it. I said, "Oh, I see now," and I stopped liking him in that INSTANT. (If you know a lot about me, you know that it's difficult for me to stop liking someone in an instant. So this was big news at the time.)

In this one movie where Ashley Judd gets meanly broken up with by Greg Kinnear, she goes to the doctor to see if he can disconnect her nose from her brain so she doesn't remember Greg Kinnear every time she smells laundry or whatever, and I think that what I would like is for a doctor to disconnect my ears from my medulla oblongata and then I can sit around the dinner table having normal conversations, instead of wishing that everyone would JUST STOP CHEWING.

besides which you see

I'm very "home"-minded right now. I have these ideas for what to do with my mainland home, like paint my room purple and BUY A DOG. (That's totally the plan now. I'm going to buy a dog when I come back for good in June, except I want a dog NOW, especially since there are young Border Terrier dogs available for rescue and I want a Border Terrier because there is a Border Terrier-sized hole in my heart where my wonderful old dog used to be.) I was going to go to Scotland in the summer, since my contract at the high school is for twelve months even though I'm only working for ten, so I'm getting paid for two months of not working, which is probably never going to happen again. However, since I think (I think) I have a job as a substitute with the Surrey School District (!!!!!!!!) in September, I have re-evaluated my goals at this stage in my life and I think I should use that money to buy a car and a dog.

Also, I've been having some crisis thoughts about my work as a teacher. Am I too strict/mean? Am I leaving some kids behind? Am I actually teaching the Math kids any Math? Are they losing a whole year of education because I don't know what I'm doing? I don't know if these thoughts about work are normal. I went out for coffee with a friend who is newly an accountant, and she was self-conscious about her ability to account, so maybe my self-consciousness about my ability to teach is just something that goes along with you when you're new at something.

Last night when I was watching Maria swing her guitar around and sing about how she has confidence in herself, I was thinking how great it would be to listen to that song on repeat in the morning before the kids come. It will be like my "Rocky" theme, except about confidence instead of punching.

apparently, we're both suffering from a deplorable lack of curiosity

Merry Christmas everyone! Now I'm watching The Sound of Music, except for at this moment because it's the "climb every mountain, ford every stream" song which I dislike on account of it being the most boring part in the whole movie. If anybody has any recommendations for wonderful, old musicals, let me know. Apparently I'm in a phase.

In my stocking I got a candy cane practically as big as my whole face. I love candy canes, as long as they're mint and ESPECIALLY if they're old and chewy. Everyone's always like, "Ew, old candy canes. Garbage!" and I'm always like, "Nooooooooooooooooooo!" and try to rescue them from the trash so I can chew them. Chewy candy canes > crunchy candy canes. I'm going to try and buy a bunch on Boxing Day sale tomorrow, and save them for next year so I'll have whole BOXES of spectacular chewy candy canes.

Lastly (the nun is belting out the final lines of that stupid song), I have new glasses! They are purple and lovely. Also, it's a new prescription finally, so I basically have x-ray vision.

not so much as a "kiss my foot" or "have an apple"

Hey guys! It's Christmas Eve! I am in my pajamas and watching White Christmas for probably the seventh time, while simultaneously looking it up on imdb. For instance, did you know that Danny Kaye wasn't even supposed to be IN it? And that Vera Ellen doesn't actually sing any of her own songs? And that her waist was 21 INCHES??????????? And that part where Bob and Phil dance the ladies' dance in the ladies' costumes wasn't in the script, but Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye were fooling around on the set and did that for fun and they stuck it in the movie because it was awesome? I am a font of information. This brings to mind this internet comic that I saw which is amazing and completely appropriate for this situation, where the heading is "BEFORE THE INTERNET," and there are two people sitting on a couch. One person says, "Oh, no! I just thought of something I wanted to know more about!" and the other person says, "I'm so sorry." I wish I could find it for you. It is so perfectly suited.

The family went to the Christmas Eve service at church, and I give it an A+ for music and message, but a D- for punctuation on the power point slides. Every single slide was missing some sort of valuable punctuation, which distracted me because it occurred to me that without punctuation the songs either make no sense, or mean something different. For example, there's the old, "Hark the herald angel sing," which should be "Hark, the herald angel sing!" otherwise you think that Hark is the name of a herald angel. Also, whereas I always see is as

What Child is this who laid to rest
On Mary’s lap is sleeping?

it should be "who, laid to rest on Mary's lap, is sleeping." And "bring Him incense COMMA gold COMMA and myrrh," but I think that is a relatively new grammar rule.

(Actually, you probably don't care about any of that. Sorry. But I am the girl who owns a poster about when to use a semi-colon, and also about how to use apostrophes.)

losing your eye was your own fault. now what do you want.

Yesterday a friend and I went out for sushi and then watched White Christmas, which I had never seen fully up until this point but had always seen bits on t.v. and thought it was super boring. Turns out that when you watch the whole thing at once it's not boring at all, but is actually quite wonderful. When it got near to the end, I predicted that it was going to snow and they were going to kiss, and I was totally right. I'm smart about movies like that.

Speaking of movies, while my friend and I were waiting for our sushi we went to the movie store because they were having a buy 2 get 1 free sale, and I went a little bit crazy for $5 movies. This is what I bought:
- Penelope
- Corpse Bride
- America's Sweethearts
- Big Fish
- Royal Tenenbaums
- Igor
- Charlie Bartlett
- Nicholas Nickelby
- Elf
- Shrek the Halls
- Ever After
- Danny Deckchair

I'd never seen Charlie Bartlett or Igor, but it cost less to buy then than to rent them, and I watched them both today. (We had early dismissal at school, so I was a little bit bored.) I liked the former and disliked the latter. Also, two Christmas movies because as a teacher I think it's important that I build up my Christmas movie collection for early dismissal days before Christmas break.

On Sunday I'm driving home for two weeks, so I'm supposed to pack tomorrow. I started today, on account of being bored, and I discovered it's hard to pack for two weeks. I wish to put my tiny apartment in a box and bring everything with me. At least I'm taking the car, so I have space for the Christmas tree and half my wardrobe.

This is what I'm excited about:
- being back at home for more than one and a half days
- seeing my dog
- seeing everybody I know and miss!
- taking a break from wrangling hooligans all day

I'm going to miss the wind, though. Campbell River has spectacular wind.

not so grinchy now

I finally decorated for Christmas, you guys! First I vacuumed my apartment, and to do so effectively I had to move the giant box with the Christmas tree my parents sent up with a friend when she came to visit, and suddenly I had a thought: Hey, how about instead of moving the box around, I take out what is inside of it?

So I did. It's a small tree that came equipped with its own lights, pine cones, and cranberries or something, but I added some little purple balls to it. Also, I artfully arranged the bouquet of flowers my family sent me in front of it, so you could see all the Christmas things I have in one picture. (I have lights, too - I'm not sure if I'm willing to put in the effort to put them around my window. You know, getting up on a chair, sticking those clippy things into the wall, plugging them in... ugh.) So here is my new Christmasy apartment, for your viewing pleasure.

how festive everything feels now!

the purple balls add so much, I think

see how large it looks from this angle!

ooh with the lights off

can't you just hear Charlie Brown Christmas in your head as you gaze upon my tree?

these are my flowers!

Also, presently I am baking a cake for my staff Christmas party tonight. As soon as I closed the oven door I had a frightening moment of wondering whether or not you could bake a cake in a glass container, since all the cake-baking containers my mom used were tin or whatever. I had visions of the bowl exploding in my oven, shooting gobs of cake batter all over my new Christmas tree. However, my mother informed me that it will be okay, so now I can enjoy the smell of baking cake in my apartment.

Also, this morning I drove three hours round trip for the best cheese in the world. IN THE WORLD. Spicy cheese! All the stores in Campbell River have two kinds of cheese: cheddar and mozza. Boo. I bought six packages of cheese to hopefully last me a long time, because it was quite a drive. While I was there, this little black kitten literally climbed up my leg and into my arms, and then started purring and swatting at my bangs. My heart swelled and I again considered getting a cat for my apartment, because sometimes it's really nice to be sat on and purred at, you know? I don't know where I'd put the litter box, or if my tiny apartment is big enough for a cat, or what... but I was sorely tempted to abscond with that little black kitten. A lady passed by while I was petting it and said that the lady in the store said it was a barn cat in training, which made me very upset, because this little cat clearly liked snuggling and barn cats don't snuggle. Reluctantly I put it down and bought my cheese, and then spent the whole drive back thinking about getting a cat. What do you think? Is a tiny apartment too tiny for a cat? Will my cat be lonely because I am at school for a long time always? Conundrum.

shoulder the sky, my lad

I feel like I screwed a bunch of stuff up, and also had to fight twenty-five turkeys for four hours. We had "Miss W Needs Chill Out Time" time for about five minutes near the end of Math, where I turned off the lights and they had to put their heads down on their desks so I didn't flip out at them. I'm trying to be creative and innovative with consequences and making them aware of their choices and stuff, but I don't think it's working.
Whenever it comes to be around Christmas, I always get super melancholy. I get a tingly feeling in my fingers, which is a precursor for a feeling of impending drama, which is always left unfulfilled except for the fact that it makes me a bit sad. I'm waiting and waiting for something dramatic to happen, and because it's dark outside all the time I expect it to be something bad dramatic, but it never happens so I am left always waiting still. I don't really know how to explain it.

no more mistakes with my magical invention

It's going to sound lame and cryptic, but this is what I wish: I wish that you could get little suits of armour for hearts, and then BAM you would be impenetrable. And all the wonderful people who would do good things for you would be somehow magically given little keys to open up your little suit of armour, and if someone didn't have a key they couldn't get in. Then there would be none of this business where you're like "Hey! Come on in!" and don't realize until it's too late that it was a mistake to do that, because you could tell RIGHT AWAY if someone had a key or not. I think that would be great.

On another note, today in the parking lot of Save-On I successfully checked my oil ALL BY MYSELF, completely unsupervised. Not only that, but I also remembered how many little dots are supposed to be covered with oil, so I could tell all by myself that I didn't need to add any oil at all. But if I had needed to, I have oil AND a funnel in my trunk. I am so prepared.

is it ever really yelling time

Yesterday my students had a giant test on acceptable and unacceptable behaviour, because they have been driving me bananas. After that, during Bible class, I asked them about what kind of volume was acceptable, and one student said, "WHISPERING AND NOT YELLING." I said, "WHY NOT YELLING?" and he said, "BECAUSE THIS IS BIBLE CLASS, NOT YELLING TIME." I found this hilarious because he and I were on opposite ends of the room, having that conversation at yelling volume, and I liked how he called it "yelling time."

It's sunny today! It hasn't been sunny in a very long time. I think I will go to the beach, after I make a dent in my giant pile of marking. Of course, since the ground is covered in frost, I will need to go to the beach in a scarf and gloves. I love going to the beach in a scarf and gloves!

that's a curious name for a motorcar

Lately it's come about that every time I walk into the staff room at work I start singing the song "Truly Scrumptious" from one of the best movies of all time, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. The first few times it didn't strike me as odd, because I watched that movie innumerable times when I was younger and probably also some of my students were singing it in the hallways to be obnoxious and get it stuck in everybody's heads. Eventually, however, it started to concern me. Why did it happen every time I walked into the staff room? Was somebody trying to subliminally control me into buying candy? Was somebody watching the movie on a constant loop in a nearby classroom? WHAT WAS GOING ON???

Today, I solved the mystery. For the past couple weeks there has been a box of those arrowroot-style baby cookies on the staff room table. In large white letters on the side of the box is the company name: TRULY. Obviously, since baby cookies are scrumptious, therein lies the connection. I don't know why I didn't put the pieces together sooner; I may have to rethink my side career as an ace detective.

at least i survived and got free pizza

Today I had fifteen parent-teacher interviews. Fourteen of them were fantastic, and I heard, "You're doing a great job! We're on your side!" fourteen times. Then at the end a parent said their child said, "I asked her to explain it again and she just explained it the same way! That wasn't helpful at all!" and now I think I'm a terrible teacher and why do I have this job and I'm letting all my kids down. I'm a little bit discouraged right now.

i think i'm coming in second, though

I've just finished preparing notes for my first ever parent-teacher interviews. Every year at school apparently there is a contest to see which teacher gets the most interviews, but the winner is really the loser because who wants to have the most interviews. It's not really a crown I desire to wear. Also, I wasn't told until it was nearly too late that I need to schedule in pee breaks for myself! It was actually too late for Thursday, so I have 16 interviews in a row, from 4 until 8; I got to Friday in time and was able to block of a 15 minute section of time for me to get a cup of coffee from the staff room and catch my breath.

All the cupboards in my apartment keep closing on me. At first I only noticed it in my plates cupboard, because when I was putting my dishes away I kept bumping into it with my shoulder and getting angry; recently I heard a crack when I opened my bathroom cupboard, which did something mysterious and destructive to it because whenever I open it now it tries to slam shut. We wrestle at least 3 times a day now. I have a feeling that one day I'm going to snap and rip off all the cupboard doors. Then I DEFINITELY don't get my damage deposit back.

confidentially, this is not my favourite temperature

I need to set out a plan in writing so that I don't end up in this same exact situation every single day: I am freezing. My fingers are little icicles. Every key I push could be the one that shatters my icicle fingers into a million little frozen finger shards that will subsequently scatter all over my carpet, but I won't be able to vacuum them up because I think my vacuum has a spider family growing in it presently.

This is how it happens. I come home from work, peel off all my layers, and am toasty warm from the exertion of walking up the stairs to my apartment and unbuttoning all my jackets and unswirling my scarf and then yanking off my gloves. I think, "Man, I'm warm! I will never be any other temperature than this! Only a fool would turn on the thermostat at this time!"

Then I putter around my apartment for an hour or so, until one moment I suddenly realize, "What the crap just happened? I AM FREEZING COLD." So I run to my thermostat and turn it up to high, and then it takes ten billion years to heat up my tiny apartment, and then it's time to go to bed so I turn it off because I don't want to burn down the place whilst I sleep. (Because I am worried about doing this, I put a yellow post-it on the wall under my thermostat when it is on to remind me to turn it off.)

Tomorrow I think it will be different. Maybe I will LEAVE the post-it there, and when I get home I'll be like, "Wait, what? Did I leave the thermostat on all day??" and then I will think back to what I just said just now, and turn it on before I have a chance to freeze. I think that is such a smart idea.

my life is now complete

This is my favourite thing that ever happened.

The scene: math class. Attempting to teach about multiplying fractions by whole numbers.

Student: "That's not even math, that's just thinking!"

Miss W: "Well, what do you think math IS?"

[pause, then epiphany] Student: "... thinking?!"

this is what i do now

My hair swishes when I walk. It makes walking a lot more fun. Today after school I was walking down the hall and my hair was swishing and it was very exciting.

Speaking of walking, I am trying to learn a new way of walking. I read on the internet that when you walk with your chest out and shoulders back and lead with your hips it makes you look more successful and confident. People keep thinking I am a highschooler instead of a high school teacher so I think if I look more successful and confident when I walk they will not make that mistake again. This is what I am learning: it is really hard to change the way you walk. I keep tripping.

i don't know if i look younger or older

I got my hair cut last night! Now it swings above my shoulders. The lady was really chatty, which is something I dislike. They always make me take off my glasses and when I can't see it appears that I can't talk also. However, at the same time as I wish we could just be silent without seeming rude, I also feel pressed to make small talk. Small talk is also something I dislike. I end up asking questions like an idiot and babbling on about my life, sharing details that I'm pretty sure strangers don't care about. While I was in the chair I started noticing the inflection of my voice when I asked questions, and how it seemed strange and forced, and I wanted it to be normal! But when you focus on things like that, it's impossible to make them normal once you're thinking about them.

you're suggesting the wrong things

I don't have cable or a cat, so sometimes in the evenings when I'm done making lunch for the next day and have brushed my teeth and am in my pj's, I like to watch movies from the library. (It's the same as getting them from the movie store except that it's free.) Tonight I watched The Shop Around the Corner, with James Stewart, which is what You've Got Mail is based on. It was spectacular, and so I perused amazon.com for similar suggestions that I can get from the library because I don't know a lot of old movies.

Do you know what kept coming up? Casablanca. And also, Gone With the Wind. Those two are frequently on the top of "old romantic movies" lists. But listen: if everybody dies at the end, or they don't end up together and living happily ever after, IT'S NOT A ROMANTIC MOVIE. It is a DEPRESSING movie. Stop trying to sneak it in on the same lists as The Shop Around the Corner. (I get very angry about this because I don't want to accidentally watch a depressing movie.)

Also: people who were in those super old movies were generally way more talented than people who are in movies these days. They could sing AND dance AND talk really fast AND make their hands shake when they're arguing with James Stewart.

it's called a spider house but really it just kills them

Today I was at Home Depot with my parents to look for screens for my windows, and on the way in I pondered whether or not I should get a fire extinguisher for my apartment. It has built in sprinklers, you see, which are KIND OF like a bunch of tiny fire extinguishers, except for that in addition to putting out the fire they'd also wreck all my stuff. Also something weird keeps happening with the burners on my stove, so a few days ago when I was cautiously watching my stove cook my dinner I wondered what would happen if it suddenly burst into flames.

Anyway, who should be walking by at the exact same time as my ponderings but the deputy fire marshal! He turns around and goes, "Um, yes. I am the deputy fire marshal." So I bought a fire extinguisher, if only to humour that bizarre coincidence. I also bought some duct tape, and clear duct tape, and a roll of screen to duct tape to my window (because hey, did you know that they don't sell actual screens for actual windows anymore? You have to buy all the pieces and assemble it yourself. I have neither the time nor the skill set to do such things, so my mom and I duct taped some screen to my window. It works perfectly fine.), and some houses to trap spiders in, and some clips to hang twinkle-lights up around my window. The people at Home Depot in Campbell River are SO HELPFUL. Every time my mom and I stopped for a second, somebody in an orange apron appeared out of nowhere and asked us if we needed help.

Anyway, after we left my mom realized that the deputy fire marshal who happened by and told me to buy a fire extinguisher was also the guy who showed her two different places for me to live in when she was looking back in August! Except they were kind of dingy, and also two-levels, which I am not interested in. I don't want all the monsters to be able to hide on the bottom floor when I am sleeping on the top floor, and also the opposite of that.

Anyway. I just thought that was super random. You probably know that guy, too. I think he is coincidentally related somehow to everybody who ever existed.

why haven't i heard this before

I just found a website boasting of 15 "original techniques" to tie your shoelaces. Now I feel like a fool for tying my shoelaces the unoriginal way for 25 years. I have a lot to catch up on, apparently.

oh coffee you conundrum

When I linger over it in the morning, it takes forever to drink my coffee. When I bring it to school with me, I take big swallows in a hurried manner, so I can chew gum to get rid of my coffee breath before my students come in. (No gum allowed, not even for teachers.) I guess in the morning my attention span isn't even long enough for one gigantic cup of coffee. At least I turn my gears on when I get to work.

Speaking of work, I was there for a million hours on Saturday writing report cards, and then again for 5 more hours on Sunday finishing report cards, so I think it's only natural that I really don't want to go back there today.

Oh wait. Thinking about work has made me take large gulps of my coffee. CORRELATION.

A tiny fly just flew into my face. I miss being in Whistler when I was planning on writing a novel and everything was coming together in the planning stages, before it fell apart in the writing stages. I think I am in a funk.

to be showing up like this

This week was terrible and sad and frustrating. My wonderful old dog may or may not be with us at this present moment - my mom said it was time to Make The Decision, but I didn't want to because I'd keep her here forever, so then she asked if I wanted to know when "it" happened, and I said no. Pretty much this is the worst thing that could be happening right now. And one of my math classes is driving me bananas, so I talked with the Vice Principal about it on Friday and he said that I should just send the ringleaders to him, but I wanted to handle it by myself. Now I feel like I can't manage my own classroom. I've been listening to the song "Blood Bank" by Bon Iver over and over again for a few days, and I wonder if maybe I should replace it with a more overtly cheerful song to get me out of the blues.

Sometimes stuff feels hopeless. The fog outside moved in around my school steadily over the day, like I'm in a cloud or on a pirate ship, and that's how I feel inside.

curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight

This is what happened today:

In the computer lab one of my students slams his hand down on the desk. "What is going on here?" I ask him, outraged because the computer lab is supposed to be a quiet place. "He touched me weird," the student whines, pointing to the person beside him. "It was a reflex." This, naturally, sends me into a laughing fit so intense I am not breathing for practically 3 minutes. (Students are used to this by now so nobody is alarmed.)

At the Shoreline Clean-Up this afternoon one of my students grabs a rope he spots under a log, tugs it SUPER HARD and goes flying backwards with the rope in his hand, doing a crazy dance so he doesn't lose his balance. I immediately burst out laughing so hard I almost pee my pants. "I thought it was going to be stuck!" he protests.

Yesterday in Science I mentioned to my students that if they find a dead thing on the beach like they did last year, DO NOT TOUCH IT because that's how the Black Plague started, by touching one dead rat. (I'm not sure if this is historically accurate. If I say something passionately and with conviction, pretty much everyone believes me. Anyway, the origin of the Black Plague was not the important part, it was emphasizing that they were NOT to touch dead stuff.) But since it was Science class, I told them if they saw a dead thing to call me over and we'd investigate it safely! So today we found a dead seal who had MELTED into RUBBER so his FACE was FLAT. No joke. Flat face. Then we found a dead porpoise with a missing eyeball. (I had to yell at the grade two students to not touch it, because they missed the Black Plague conversation.)

Then a student found a condom, which I had to pick up with two sticks and secretly put into a garbage bag so nobody freaked out. Sometimes I don't like being the teacher.

This is what's happening tomorrow:

A wedding! I brought two outfits with me and can't decide which one to wear, but it's important that I choose soon so I can paint my nails to match. Of course the wedding is more important. It's going to be lovely and wonderful and I am very excited!

A friend who is attending the same wedding is bringing this for me, which I ordered to an American address she supplied to save on shipping. I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS. I am going to wear it every day.

Then I need to go to Value Village to buy stuff to be a pirate for Pirate Day at school, because there is no Value Village in Campbell River.

On a different note: FINALLY THE NOISE HAS STOPPED IN MY APARTMENT. The night before last I burst into tears because I couldn't tell if I was hearing it or not, and when I put in my earplugs I couldn't tell if it was my heartbeat I was hearing or the noise, so I thought I was going crazy. Last night I was pretty sure that I couldn't hear it, and I figure that if I have to listen that hard to hear it, it's probably okay. That kind of volume I can handle. I have been hearing the noise every night since I moved in the middle of AUGUST, and calling and calling the guy who is in charge of my building to come and fix it, and FINALLY it is fixed.

orchard of the strangest fruits

So this is what happened. I opened the front door of my HOME home and was confused because the stairs didn't look familiar. I've been away for a month and I can't even remember what my house looks like. It was a sad, strange moment for me.

Thursday and Friday I was at a teacher's conference and it felt like I was at camp! Mostly because all the staff stayed at the same hotel on the same floor, and we went out for dinner together and sometimes ended up in the Tim Horton's line-up together. It made me realize that I really feel like part of the community at my school, which makes me happy. Now that they are all back in Campbell River and I am at home I miss them, and it's not going to be the same when we get back because some of them I never see because we're on different floors and have lunch at different times. But instead of being sad about that I'm going to be glad that I work with such great people.

These are things I learned at the conference:
- apparently I am a stream-of-consciousness talker
- when I don't get enough sleep I walk into glass windows because I think they are doors
- some tips on differentiating learning for my math class so my genius kid won't get bored and rude
- my habit of drinking hot sugary coffee several times during the day is THE WORST thing I could do for my voice
- keynote speakers = boring 99% of the time
- Tim Horton's breakfast sandwich = amazing 100% of the time (sidenote: I just tried "samwidge" and then "sandwidge" before getting it right. Something is wrong here.)

These are things I learned from being at HOME home for 8 hours:
- I have the best puppies in the world
- television is not as overrated as I tried to convince myself it was
- a new pet peeve is people planning my day for me because I am an independent grown-up and can plan my day for myself
- I miss having other people in the house when I'm going to bed
- it tastes better when someone else makes the coffee
- sometimes I really don't feel like talking

most of them are truly inconsequential

I'm not sure how I feel about today. Physically I am feeling better, thanks to all the crap I'm putting up my nose and all the water I'm drinking. (That sounded a little bit like I am talking about cocaine, but I promise you I am not. I have this steroid spray from my doctor, and then the Wal-Mart doctor told me also to use this Vics Vapo-rub stuff you inhale, and then I'm shooting salt water in one nostril so it comes out the other nostril and SOMETIMES MY MOUTH. That part is disgusting. Just so that you don't think I'm doing drugs out here in Campbell River.) Also, it was raining this morning but then for a couple of hours it was raining AND turning sunny, and the view from my classroom window was completely spectacular. Also, I woke up with wonderful hair. WONDERFUL HAIR. Then I explained the surface area of composite objects very clearly and in steps, and someone brought cake for the staff room at lunch!

But then my grade sevens were very unruly, and they keep eating even though they KNOW they are not allowed to eat in my class when it is not break time, and it's a new fad or something to eat these stupid super hot peppers on the sly, so then they burst into tears and need to get a million drinks of water while I am trying to teach them about ecosystems. Then my dinner was gross because I ran out of milk so I tried to substitute with cream in the sauce, but that didn't work out, and I put in too much garlic. Then I vacuumed and found a SPIDER and also hit myself in the face with the vacuum.

Now I need to pack my lunch but I don't feel like it, and my throat is scratchy but I am so sick of doing stuff to make me healthy again. I am tired of taking vitamins and pills and gargling and snorting salt water and inhaling menthol and steroids. Also I'm a little concerned about the spider.

shaping up to be a lonely day

Obviously I live on my own, but the past little while has made me feel more ON MY OWN that previously. The funeral for the lady who passed away was yesterday, and I've never been to a funeral on my own before. I've had to do a lot of creative problem solving in my classes. I figured out that my brain doesn't like watching 12 episodes of The Office in a row (there was no one to tell me to go to bed). I decide if and when I clean and/or vacuum my apartment. Nobody else is paying attention to whether or not my milk is expired. On Thursday I got run down by sinuses, and this morning I went to the clinic and did the medication/juice purchase by myself. I ate rice for breakfast, and lemon pudding for dinner, because I'm sick and that's what I felt like. I watched Away We Go tonight, which is a movie about finding home, and it made me feel really lonely because right now when I'm at home I'm by myself.

I don't know when this piece of elastic found its way to my floor, but every time I see it I have a baby heart attack because I think it's a centipede. Naturally, I took a picture of it for you instead of picking it up.

I guess from this angle you can see the fuzz on the end, which clearly defines it as not a centipede. But if you look at it from above, and really quickly, I bet you'll agree with me.

guys listen here

For some reason this is the funniest thing in my life right now. In case you don't want to click on it, I have transcribed it below for your enjoyment.

Guys...

guys

Guys.

Guys listen.

I have the best ide

guys listen.

I have the best idea ever.

guys

I'll put WINGS

guys

wings

I'll put WINGS
guys listen here

I'll put WINGS... on my BACK legs.

a hole where the lightening went through

Sometimes there are those mornings where you wake up and everything is fine. Today is going to be a normal day, you think to yourself. You drink your coffee and eat your breakfast like every other day, and then head off to work. Then at work instead of a normal staff meeting in the morning, there is a box of kleenex on the table and the principal looks somber.

There was a lady who worked at my school for years and years and years. I only met her a few times and emailed her once or twice, but I heard such great stories about her from other teachers and also students. A while ago, maybe a year or so, she was diagnosed with cancer; her health was up and down like these things tend to be, but the whole school was fervently praying and some were fasting and holding benefit concerts and felt like something good was going to happen.

As soon as we saw the kleenex on the table, everyone knew what the principal was going to say. I started crying, and instantly felt bad for doing so, because all the people around me knew her so much better than I did. I didn't know if I had the right to be as sad as I was, because I'd only just met her.

I was still crying when I had to go open the door for my students, and they all asked me what was going on but I couldn't tell them until we had an assembly. I cried in front of all of my classes today, which felt strange. I'm supposed to be the grown-up in these situations. The teacher is supposed to be strong for the students, right? I wonder if I'll ever get the hang of that.

Most of the students in the high school went home after lunch, so for the rest of the afternoon the remaining students were wandering the halls, watching The Emperor's New Groove in one classroom and Mr. Bean in another. Some of my grade sevens were complaining about how boring it was and why aren't we learning anything, and I became angry with them because didn't they understand? But then I realized that no, they didn't. They're still just little, and not all of them knew her because she'd never taught them.

Finally the bell rang and everybody left. It was a weird, terrible day, and being sad is exhausting but now I can't sleep. I don't know what's going to happen on Monday. Are we going to go back to normal? How are we supposed to feel? I realized that when I'm not surrounded by people who are devastated by this loss, I don't feel as sad. A lot of my tears are triggered by being around people who are crying. That makes me wonder if any of my feelings are real.

a gentle, gentle, gentleman

Today was a good day. Even though I had to give several lectures on tidiness and respect and felt like a parent for much of the day, when the last bell rang and all the kids shuffled out I felt quite peaceful. At lunch I was joking with some of the staff, and then chatting with the VP about a course we both teach, and it suddenly seemed strange that one month ago I did not know any of these people that I see and interact with every day. Now they're such a big part of my life! It's weird.

This is a scene from Socials class today:

Miss W: "The grade eights get two lockers, I'm pretty sure."

Student: "You're wrong!"

Miss W: (sigh) "When you need to tell someone they're wrong, what's a better way of saying it?"

Student: (sheepish) "You could say-"

Miss W: (cleverly) "YOU'RE WRONG!"

Student: (laughs) "Okay, you could say-"

Miss W: (even more cleverly) "YOU'RE WRONG! How does that make you feel?"

Student: "Okay, you could say, 'Sorry, you might be wrong.'"

Miss W: "Yes, thank you. Nobody likes to be wrong, so say it nicely."

Student: "Especially women!"

Miss W: "WHAT."

I can honestly say I have never seen a student more afraid of me than that student was in that moment.

In his defense, I know he is a good kid and didn't mean it disrespectfully - he probably heard something like that said somewhere else and it got a good reaction, so he thought it would be funny. He was so terrified when I came out to meet him in the hallway (which was where I had banished him to), he was almost crying. He said, "Miss W, you didn't let me finish. I was going to say, 'Especially women, because they are usually always right, so it... so...'"

I said, "Is that really what you were going to say, or did you make that up right now to try and make it better?"

Then we had that conversation about respect and women and blah blah blah, and it made me feel very parent-y. I do not think he will say anything like that any time soon.

When I moved, my mother sent with me a book filled with recipes and tips, and one of her tips was, "If you are starving while waiting for your dinner to cook, that is a good time to eat your vegetables so you are healthy and don't spoil your dinner." While waiting for my chicken to cook this evening, I ate a box of Cracker Jacks. I'm pretty sure that's what she meant, right?

set a fire in a blackberry field

I am so cranky right now. I was completely fine this morning, and then I was going to plan my outfit for tomorrow and realized that I couldn't find my black skirt, so I looked on all my hangers to see if I had stuck it underneath another shirt or something to save hangers, and then I pulled all my clothes out of my closet and wardrobe and STILL couldn't find it, and now all my clothes are in a pile on the floor and I am too angry to clean them up. Having a messy room also makes me angry, so every time I look in my room I get angrier. I ended up going to the store to buy a new skirt, because even if I left it at home I was excited about wearing it TOMORROW, and if I have to wait until I go back home to get it nothing I wear will feel good because I wanted to wear a specific thing. Then I have only had one favourite pair of socks my whole life, and today I had to throw them away because they spontaneously erupted in holes. Then I wanted to watch an episode of The Office with my second cup of coffee, but the DVD kept freezing and it wouldn't let me fast forward past the freezing, and it didn't fix after I tried the old pull it out and blow on it trick. I was going to take the DVD out and break it in half in righteous anger, but then realized that DVD's can't feel pain so it would only make me more upset and the DVD wouldn't understand or be hurt by it. Now I have to go to school and meet all the parents in the entire school, because it's the dedication service.

I think this probably stems from staying up last night being worried about zombies.

it slithers in the wild

One of my fears about living on my own is that I have a stupid imagination, and imagine all sorts of terrible things while I am lying in bed trying to sleep. It's less scary when there is someone else in the house, but when I am on my own who is there to protect me from the monsters? Case in point: yesterday, for some reason, I watched a promo on the internet for this show about zombies. There was one scene where zombie fingers were trying to pry open a door, and another with a creepy gliding zombie child, and another where a man had a picture of his wife beside his window, and a rifle aimed outside at the zombies coming towards him, and he wiped tears off his face, and they didn't show it but I KNEW one of the zombies he'd have to shoot was his wife and that part wasn't scary, it just broke my heart. I hope that if I get married, my husband never turns into a zombie and I never have to shoot him because I don't think I could ever be emotionally ready for that.

Anyway, so lying in my bed last night with my screen-less window partially open for fresh air and earplugs in to block out the stupid music that keeps going throughout the night, I imagined all sorts of zombie things happening in my room. I had my eyes squeezed shut and kept thinking to myself that I am such an idiot, why did I watch that promo? It's not like it was SURPRISE ZOMBIES! The show is called The Walking Dead or something like that, so it was pretty obvious that there was going to be zombies. I don't even believe in zombies, but in the middle of the night the logical part of my brain is not exactly the most active.

Basically what I am saying is that I would like one of you to come and visit me, and bring a rifle so you can protect me from the zombies.

how woozy my eyes

I woke up this morning with a migraine. Probably this resulted from my unfortunate decision to watch 12 episodes of The Office last night because I was tired and didn't feel like doing anything else. Two previous times when I've had migraines I've discovered that distraction tactics work really well - if I just lie in bed all I'm thinking about it my brain and how much it hurts, but if I do other stuff then I don't notice it or focus on it, and it goes away faster. This morning all I had to distract myself with was cleaning my filthy apartment and doing a plethora of dishes; then I could only read. That didn't last very long, because then I fell asleep, and woke up at 1:30! In the afternoon! Sleeping away the entire day. At least the migraine was mostly gone, so I went to Save-On because I'd run out of food.

While at Save-On, I realized I will never say a bad thing about buggies again. I had a million things to get, but couldn't find a quarter anywhere, so I had to use one of those little baskets. That got uncomfortable really fast, and I ended up with a full basket, plus two hands full of yogurt, eggs, butter, and ear plugs. I gazed longingly at all the people with buggies. I have now realized the worth of such an unwieldy machine.

Also, I've left two little tooth-paste bleach stains on my carpet, just as I feared. However, the person before me left cigarette burns in the same carpet, so I think I'll be okay.

at least i can start suffering and write that symphony

I set a trap for my fruit flies, and I caught one after dinner today but then it escaped. Stupid fruit flies. They thwart me!

Everything came together for pictures today! I took some and posted some on my creativity blog (oh yah... I have a creativity blog. That I totally have not forgotten about.) and then some others on facebook. I tried to be all fancy with the editing, but taking pictures that look good is HARD, man! It seems like it should be easy but it is not. I took a bunch of junky ones.

I like this one, though

This one I think is good, too

This one might be too purple, if such a thing were possible

Tonight I stayed at work until almost 7 because I had a mini-melt down after school, and my wonderful work friend came to visit me and helped me make seating plans to make my hooligans more efficient. Today in one math class I banished one kid to the hall, and kept two after class. GAH! But then I found out how the laminator works, and I'm going to laminate a bunch of stuff tomorrow. That will make me feel better. And while I'm doing that I can figure out how to love my math class. I need to change what I am doing somehow, but I don't know how.

I need to pack my lunch but I don't really feel like moving. Is it Friday afternoon yet?

skies are going to clear up so i can take pictures

Now that I am in possession of a camera AND batteries AND a memory card, the skies are gray and gross. Isn't that just the way life is.

I have had two, count them TWO, dinner successes. Well, of course eggs and stuff always work out for me, but I mean trying out actual recipes that my mother sent along with me so I could eat actual meals with more than one food group in them. I made honey chicken with rice last week and it was delicious, and tonight I made sweet and sour meatballs and rice and it was also delicious. I am so awesome. Although, have you ever MADE meatballs? Pretty much the most disgusting process of all time. I can now understand why my mother does not eat ground beef after smooshing it around into the shapes in which I eat it. You have to roll it up into little balls, like you're making cookies, except instead of yummy dough cookies it's gross meat cookies with leftover blood still inside. And for some reason the ground beef I bought from Save-On was different than the ground beef I see at home - it's all rolled up in strings instead of in crumbly bits. Like beef shoelaces, or brains. So basically I was making cookies out of bloody shoelace brains.

(It's a good thing I made the meatballs yesterday and ate them today, and then wrote this after I ate them, because I just grossed myself out.)

I started giving lollipops out in my glass for random good behaviour, and what that means is that I am a GENIUS. Intermittent positive reinforcement is the BOMB, you guys. Every time one of my students says anything or sits properly, "Can I have a lollipop?" And I give them a stern look and say, "No. I will give out the lollipops randomly for awesome behaviour." For example, a boy in my grade nine math class who'd never understood rotations before randomly was able to get it (through no fault of mine, it was just a random epiphany), so I gave him one. Then in Science it started raining and all my kids were fascinated by the rain falling on the kids outside, so I let them watch for a couple minutes before returning to work, and one girl said, "That's like abiotic rain interacting with biotic kids," which is what we were just learning about! So I gave her one. And then I accidentally rolled up my overhead screen all the way and couldn't reach it with any of my improvised tools, so one boy volunteered to stand on another boy's shoulders and get it down for me, so I gave them one for being creative and helpful. Now all my students are trying to be creative, helpful, properly-behaved epiphany-havers. It's great.

Like if you put on flip flops you're saying, "I hope I don't get chased today. Be nice to people in sneakers."

I just bought a camera from Wal-Mart and I was super excited about it because I want to take pictures of the sky and show you, but then I found out that the memory card is sold separately. Batteries are included, but not the memory card. Thanks Canon, I'm pretty sure I could have taken care of the batteries on my own. Now I have to go back to Wal-Mart tomorrow and I can't take pictures of the sky tonight.

Since I don't have cable, I rented a bunch of movies from the library so I'd have something to watch. Two of them were disasters (the comedy one I mentioned earlier, and a Charles Dickens major depressing long disaster), but now I am watching Demetri Martin special, and it is fabulous. I love him. I tried to find a clip on youtube of his joke about straws and ice, but I couldn't find it. Oh well. Anyway, he's pretty much the best comedian ever.

Today I found out that one of my grade nine students told his sister that I was mean! I find this actually hilarious because he was part of the class with the boys who told me the wrong name. Yes I am mean if you are a bunch of hooligans. That's fine with me.

hear the bees buzzing through the walls

This morning I was drinking coffee and reading outside on my patio, and suddenly I looked up and there was a bee RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE. Right between my eyes, hovering and gazing at me. (I'd just awesomely french-braided my hair, so maybe he was infatuated with my beauty.) I freaked out and dumped my entire mug of coffee all over myself. Now all my clothes are in the laundry and I am drinking a new cup of coffee and reading INSIDE.

Suddenly I am a social butterfly. Last night one of the teachers from work invited me over for dinner, with some other teachers and their families. I was really nervous and googled how to be good a small talk before I left, but none of that was very helpful. Thankfully everyone else was capable of holding conversations without internet assistance, which made it easier for me and it was a lot of fun! Tonight is a staff potluck, and now that I know some of them better from last night I think I will be less shy. This is good, because everyone on staff is so friendly to me and always asking how I'm doing and if I need any help, but I can't turn that into a continued conversation so I'm worried they all think I'm a snob. Not tonight! Tonight I will be brave and chatty. Then tomorrow after church I am going to my wonderful new work friend's house for lunch! I am so proud of how brave I am being.

Also, I figured something out. Thursday was terrible, and I was thinking about starting each class on Friday by drilling "RESPECT" into their brains, but then I realized that they are kids, and I am a grown-up, and I shouldn't have lost my patience no matter how they were behaving, and I need to love them and show them grace. With that in mind, Friday was infinitely better. Maybe I am getting the hang of this thing finally.

Now the bee has come in through my window and is inspecting my furniture. I guess I have bewitched him!

takes an ocean not to break

Today was a crying day. I only actually shed a tear on two occasions, but I definitely choked up way more times than that. I don't know why - maybe because I think I'm getting sick, or maybe because I wanted to finish my book last night so I stayed up until midnight. Someone needs to come visit me and take all my books away. I almost cried at the end of the day, because it was stressful and awful, and then again when the janitor told me that he'd heard one of my students telling their parents how much they loved having me as their teacher, and then again for some reason when two fire trucks went by me on the street, and when I heard on the radio about a boil water advisory for the Comox Valley. I cried for real when I was watching a documentary about Canadian comedy and the section about John Candy reminded me about my brother and how much I miss my family, and then when they did a section about Phil Hartman and I was sad that he and a bunch of other people from the documentary are dead. This is what I think: I need to stop watching documentaries about comedy because they are sad instead of funny, and I should probably go to bed right now because apparently I am not getting enough sleep.

maybe i will be okay

This is what I learned today: don't wear new shoes when you are going to be standing for the whole day. (Luckily the secretary keeps a jar of band-aids outside her office.) Photocopying at 4:30 is perfect because everyone else has gone home except the new teachers. Drink lots of water otherwise you are going to get kidney stones. (I don't have kidney stones. I just noticed that yesterday I didn't drink anything even though I was talking all day; today I've already dranken one and a half of my water bottles! No kidney stones for me if I can keep this up.) Even if you think all the students are out of the building, you need to adhere to the dress code and not bare your shoulders because there still might be some hanging around! No matter how nice your students seem, they will try and distract you by pretending to take an interest in your life. Being prepared for the next few classes comes in really handy when it takes them twenty minutes to complete what you allowed an hour for.

I set my alarm clock and my cell phone alarm this morning as a precaution, and both went off at the same time and I nearly had a heart attack. Also, I was the one who opened the school this morning, so I think I can sleep in a bit. Everyone on staff is really nice and asking me how things are going, and I can honestly say that things are going well! Another not-very-stressful day under my belt. It was actually the grade sevens I had to wrangle, due to some unkind remarks said jokingly and an inability to pay attention when someone else is talking. The older kids were not as scary as I thought they'd be, but I am prepared to be tough if their niceness is just a front.

I played the name game three times today. If you see me and I forget your name, it's because I have 74 new ones in my brain.

there's no explosions here

So. Today was the first day of school! I was anticipating all this chaos and uncertainty and just hanging on by my fingernails until 10:30 when the children were released, but honestly: it was a little bit boring. (At first I was disappointed, but then I realized I was on crack and instead it was actually a most wonderful answer to prayer.) There was only one catastrophe, and it occurred before I even left my house this morning. Last night I DEFINITIVELY remember setting my alarm for 6:20. I remember checking it several times, because doesn't it always happen that your alarm does exactly what you want it to every morning except the MOST IMPORTANT MORNING OF YOUR LIFE. I woke up at an unfortunate hour, still groggy from sleep, and pondered, "I wonder how much time I have left until my alarm goes off." I reached over and turned my clock around (the neon lights keep me awake) and squinted until I could read the numbers: 7:02. "Well now," I said aloud, "that simply cannot be. I set my alarm to wake me up 40 minutes ago, and I have to be at school in 25 minutes."

I put my glasses on, in case my bleary, fuzzy vision was playing a trick on me, and discovered that oh yes, it was indeed 7:02 and something had gone horribly wrong with my alarm. But you know, it's amazing what a body can do when given the least amount of time to look dazzling and professional in the morning. Usually I like to laze about and drink my coffee whilst enjoying some cartoons, but not this morning. Luckily my hair cooperated and I'd set my outfit out the night before, so I made it out the door only 5 minutes behind. Luckily also I only live 5 minutes away from school, and I am a keener so I was there almost hours before everyone else.

Other than that, everything went smoothly. All my kids came, they found their desks and their lockers, and understood my rules and expectations, and put their names in their agendas, and asked me questions about cell phones and ipods, and then they went home. When my classroom was empty of bodies I sat on my stool and just stared at the desks for a moment. Did that really just happen? Did my first day EVER really go off without a hitch?

It really and truly did. I'm sorry it doesn't make for a better story, but there might be tales to tell tomorrow, the first REAL day of school with full classes and everything. Tomorrow I teach three blocks of Math, grade nine included, and I meet my oldest students who might turn out to be a bunch of hooligans. But I'll be armed with my hooligan-wrangling hat and several teacher's guides, so I'm sure it will be fine.

On another note, I really need to get a camera. The skies in Campbell River are AMAZING, and I have the most beautiful view from my classroom window. I wish you guys could see it.

two is all you need

I finally had my wildlife moment. I was walking on the ramp towards the waiting room at the Horseshoe Bay ferry terminal, which runs along the water for quite some time, when suddenly I thought I saw something in the water. I stopped and peered closer, and indeed it was two seals! Two! Seals! Just hanging out, doing flips and stuff. I smiled the smile that I've always wanted to smile, but nobody asked me about it because they were all strangers and none of them stopped to see what I was smiling at. It's okay, though, because I saw seals. Two seals!

I also had that awkward moment in which I accidentally referred to my apartment as home. Me: "And when I get home... I mean to my apartment-" Mom: "I heard you say home." Uncomfortable silence.

I thought it would never feel like home, but I think it does now. It felt weird to leave it for a few days as I briefly sojourned HOME home. I can't imagine how attached I'll be in a few more weeks. (Except the radio sucks. There are no good radio stations. Thankfully I live five minutes from everything, so I can flip continuously between the three stations for the duration of my drive and arrive at my destination before I become annoyed.)

Tomorrow is the first day of school. My first first day of school from behind the desk! I'm a little bit scared, but it's funny because I met a few of my students last week and I keep forgetting they are just as scared of me as I am of them. I'm sure it will be fine.

i complain a lot in this one

Today I was chatting with my wonderful new work friend about how unstressed I am presently feeling about THE FIRST WEEK OF SCHOOL starting. Pretty much I'm super chill right now.

Or so I thought. (Dun dun DUUUUUUUUUUUUUN.) (I hope you heard that dramatic music as dramatically as it played in my head.)

As some of you may know because I complained about it a lot previously, I had a bunch of eye infections in a row. Someone suggested to me it may be my stress reaction. I was all, "Psh, no. I'm not stressed." That was a fib, and now that I am wiser I think it might be my stress reaction.

Hey guys, guess what happened to me tonight? Watching tv, watching tv, watching tv, BAM eye infection. Out of nowhere. In both my stinking eyes.

And then when I opened my new mic I will use for Skyping, the plastic encasement sliced open several of my fingers.

And then both my wrists started showing signs of wear and tear which is an indication that I need to wear my wrist braces.

On the first day of school, I am going to have bloodshot eyes, several bandaids, and two wrist braces on. My kids are going to be FREAKED.

"All Our Agents Are Currently Assisting Other Customers."

Hey guys I have internet now. (I think. It didn't set up like it was supposed to and I'm currently on hold with telus.) A summary of my life thus far is available below, because I still have thoughts without the internet, and needed somewhere to put them. They are posted under the date upon which the thoughts occurred to me, because that's the kind of person I am.

ps - hey telus, your on hold music sucks. okay thanks.

master chef, o master chef, wherefore art thou not in my kitchen

I made a mistake on dinner. I forgot to freeze my ground beef in one-person sections, so I had to thaw out and subsequently fry up a whole pack tonight. However, I brilliantly came up with two days worth of meal plans that used ground beef. I would have mac and cheese and ground beef tonight (a delicacy, to be sure), tacos tomorrow, and then freeze whatever I had left. Super good plan.

However, just before dinner I got a call from my landlord saying he’d come by shortly to fix some stuff, and then I called my super to arrange for him to come by in a bit to pick up a spare key so he could let the fire people in to do an inspection, and I think I was distracted. After frying and seasoning the ground beef and doctoring up my macaroni, I poured the mac into the beef and started stirring. It wasn’t until AFTER I’d started stirring that I realized I had forgotten to separate the beef into sections for tonight and tomorrow, and I’d already mixed it up too much to separate, so I muttered a curse word (that’s a lie, I shouted a curse word and almost tore my hair out in frustration – living alone seems to make mildly upsetting things REALLY upsetting) and decided that I’d have to have mac and cheese and ground beef for dinner tonight, lunch tomorrow, and dinner tomorrow. GROSS.

Plus, the ratio of mac and cheese to ground beef was not acceptable. It’s like 60% beef to 40% non-beef. I think I’m going to have to make up another box of KD to mix in to the debacle, and just throw away what I can’t eat. I am so disappointed, you guys. I had it all planned out.

i left my body at the top of the hill

I live pretty close to the beach. I can see the ocean from a few places in my apartment if I stand on my tip-toes, and it’s maybe a five minute drive to the sea walk. I thought, hey, why don’t I walk to the beach? Yesterday I spent most of the day watching episodes of Popular, so I could probably use the fresh air. Mother and I had planned on walking to the beach while she was here, but never got a chance, but from our plan I knew it wasn’t actually that close via walking. I’d have to walk down a hill, and then on the Island Highway for a bit, and then I’d get to the sea walk. Today, I optimistically wore my sweat pants and runners, and set out for the beach.

After about five minutes of walking, I started to get a sinking feeling. Walking to the beach was going to be super easy, because it’s all downhill; walking home from the beach was going to be a disaster, because it’s all up hill. However, even with this in mind I just wanted to see how far it was. Walking beside the highway was a bit scary because I was on the side with no sidewalk (keep in mind that when I say “highway” it is not a highway like on the mainland. It’s one lane both ways, but it’s still a busy road) but I persevered until I made it to the beginning of the sea walk. Fifteen minutes, only! Although because of the steep downhill the whole way my legs felt a bit funny. I walked for a bit on the sea walk, and discovered it to be a misnomer: for the first while, it is actually just a regular sidewalk because houses and apartment buildings have taken over the beach and inserted themselves between the seawalk and the ocean. So I gave up and turned around, because I was anticipating an awful uphill battle and it was taking too long to see the ocean.

Walking home was just as bad as I’d thought it would be. I was good at the first big hill, because I just kept putting one foot in front of the other at a steady pace, but then I came to the part where I had to cross the highway – there was a crosswalk, but not one with lights so I didn’t know if anyone would actually stop for me. They did, and because I didn’t want to take twenty minutes to cross the street with cars waiting impatiently on either side, I ran across. Then I didn’t want to look like an idiot who just runs across the street and then walks the rest of the way, so I ran up the hill for a bit until I thought all the cars who’d seen me were gone. HOLY CRAP YOU GUYS. That was a terrible idea. I was debating collapsing on someone’s lawn for a recuperation break, but remembered from high school PE that you are not supposed to suddenly stop moving after exerting yourself. So I kept going. Up and up and up the stupid hill back to my apartment. Then I had to climb a flight of stairs because I feel silly taking the elevator up one floor, plus it’s a creepy elevator who is never quite sure if it’s going to open the doors for you or not.

As soon as I’d locked the front door behind me, I threw all my clothes in the laundry and jumped in the shower. I haven’t exercised like that since I moved all my stuff into my apartment. I’m pretty sure I’m going to be sore tomorrow. What was I thinking? Wearing sweatpants does not automatically make me athletic. Maybe next time I will drive down to the beach and THEN walk. Or challenge myself and find a slightly more gradual way home. We’ll see.

watch out for robo-shopper

Something I have not yet mastered: pushing a shopping cart. I have a strong aversion to pushing shopping carts. Whenever Mother and I go shopping, I hold the list and she pushes the cart. (Sidenote: it is really difficult to do both. I was in the checkout and suddenly remembered that I had forgotten the mustard. Sorry mustard, I will return for you another day.) I hate pushing carts. I feel like a hybrid robot/person who hasn’t figured out how to use her mechanical parts yet and keeps banging into things and misfiring her lasers. (How awesome would that be?? I would feel better pushing around a shopping cart with lasers.) I feel more acutely embarrassed when I go down the wrong aisle with a shopping cart, because you have to turn the stupid thing around, which makes it more obvious that you made a mistake. Also, you can’t squeeze through places with a giant cart banging around. I had to skip aisles and then come back to them later, because of traffic, and I feel this is most inefficient. Don’t even get me started on the produce section. (Although, I had a cute moment: all I know about picking watermelons is that they should be heavy. So I picked up a couple and weighed them in my hands, feeling for the heaviest one. I chose mine, and then noticed a little girl staring at me. As I wheeled away I saw her pick up several watermelons and weigh them in her hands like me. ADORABLE.)

Regretful impulse buy: I was suckered into buying Banana Nut Cheerios because they were on sale. Do you know why they were on sale? BECAUSE THEY ARE DISGUSTING. What I should have bought instead was Apple Cinnamon Cheerios, which is what I had my eye on in the first place. Sometimes it’s worth it to pay a little more for something that is not gross.

Non-regretful impulse buy: lemon gelato. I wanted frozen yogurt, because that’s one of my favourite things, but it’s super hard to find frozen yogurt. Gelato isn’t that bad for you either, so I thought I’d take a chance. I opened it when I got home and was a little discouraged because it looked like a container full of an invisible dessert. I guess when you turn lemons into gelato they lose all colour? I thought it would be yellow, but it’s like a colourless void. It’s tasty, though. (I also have lemon yogurt. Maybe I should branch off into some other flavours. Although, that’s what I was trying to do with stupid Banana Nut Cheerios.)

Somebody’s moving out today. I hope it’s Jerkface Music Guy. I ended up calling the super guy and found out that somebody on the third floor had been evicted, and was just being difficult until moving day. I’ll find out at 2am if I can’t hear any music!

only as brave as your weapons

You guys, this is how awesome I am.

- three spiders and two ants on my patio are no longer with us thanks to my CRAZY FLYSWATTER OF DOOM. This is my reaction: 1) GAAAAAAAAAAAAASP!! 2) *jump out of chair and grab flyswatter* 3) SMACK! “Ha!” Question: is the relish with which I assassinate these creatures and the subsequent glee I feel a sign that I am a psychopath? Just something to ponder.

- one crane fly (or drunk-driver fly, as they were known throughout my childhood) KILLED IN MIDAIR because it unwittingly stumbled into my bedroom in the middle of the night. This is my reaction: 1) *listen to bizare tap tap tap sound* “Am I being robbed? Is there a mouse in here? Is it a monster?” 2) *locate sound – coming from between blinds and window* 3) *jump out of bed and grab spare flyswatter. Stalk crane fly, who refuses to hold still and then LANDS ON MY CLOTHING. Ew.* 4) “You know what? Take THAT.” *SMACK with flyswatter in the general direction of the psycho crane fly, THUMP goes crane fly into my box of shoes. KILLED IN MIDAIR you guys.*

Now if only I could figure out what to do about the fruit flies. They are too small for my flyswatter.

hey now what's this

My mom left today so I’ve been puttering around my apartment, which feels strange. I went to take my garbage out, and said to myself, “This is where I live now.” I wonder how long it will take to really feel like it’s really where I live, instead of just a hotel or something. (A lousy hotel. I have to do all my own dishes.) There are two fruit flies having a dance party in my kitchen, but I can’t remember how to get rid of them and I don’t have internet yet. I can’t steal internet from any of my neighbours because they’ve all cleverly protected theirs. Boo. I wonder if not getting cable was a bad idea – it’s so quiet in here. Although, I had planned on responsibly watching one episode of Popular with my dinner, and then watched two, and would have watched three except I convinced myself I should take my garbage out before it started smelling. The whole process made me feel like a grown-up. I think lots of things are going to make me feel like a grown-up in a very short period of time. I’m not so sure I like it. Although I do like my apartment, except for the stupid person above me who puts their music on at 9pm and leaves it on LITERALLY all night long. WHO DOES THAT. I am trying to work up the nerve to talk to the super about it (what does “super” stand for in this particular instance? Supervisor? Superintendent? Superlative?) because I don’t want to be the complainy neighbour but I also want to sleep at night. What a crazy idea.

I might have to re-think my clock. I bought a new clock to put in my living room but it just sits there going TICK… TOCK… TICK… TOCK… all day long. I don’t think that’s going to work for me.

so don't try, no don't try

This is what I learned today. If a bunch of different companies check your credit rating for completely legitimate reasons, it can temporarily affect your credit score and give you a heart attack. I was trying to buy a phone from Koodo, who is all like, "Our phones are free because of Tab!" except that surprise, if you signed up for Telus internet yesterday Telus did a credit check on you, and then the credit check people are all, "Whoa, so many credit checks in such a short period of time! DENIED!", you can't get a free phone because of Tab. Because you need to have good credit to have Tab, and apparently my credit is going to be bad for a few days. Even though I have impeccable credit ALL THE OTHER TIMES when I am not signing up for Telus internet. The guy at Best Buy felt bad for me because I was a little bit upset so he gave me some extra decals for my new phone. Hopefully in a few days my credit rating will be back to normal AND I will have extra decals for my phone.

subdued with painted tongues

For some reason I have an inability to stand still over the sink whilst brushing my teeth. (Side comment: one time when looking at some website about grammar, I learned that "whilst" and "while" mean exactly the same thing, and people who use high-faultin' "whilst" instead of regular old "while" are pretentious jerkfaces. This almost physically wounded me, because I LOVE "whilst," because saying things fancy instead of saying them plain is one of my favourite things. I don't know why I'm telling you this, except maybe I want your opinion, and argue that I think people who use "whilst" are whimsical but there is nothing wrong with people who say "while.") This has led to a lot of toothpaste-stained shirts, because hey, did you know that if you get toothpaste on something it bleaches it? Surprise! The reason I mention it is because I'm worried about accidentally leaving behind little bleach dots all over the carpet in my new apartment and then I don't think I'll get my damage deposit back. Or, maybe I use too much toothpaste and it's not supposed to froth out of my mouth like it does? Before I reduce the amount I use to conduct an experiment on this query, I should pretend I have rabies because I've never done that before.

fast asleep is where i keep my memories

The dreams just before you wake up are the weirdest, yo. Last night/this morning I dreamt that I was rolling a sheep up a grassy hill with a friend of mine, who was rolling her own sheep up the same hill, and we were both singing "In Sleep" by Lissie. The sheep were real sheep but with a pulled-wool look, and seemed to be cool with being rolled up a hill, because they both seemed passive about the whole thing. Then my friend and I got to this copse of trees, and I'd planned on rolling the sheep around the trees but suddenly a bunch of bees started attacking me. I was like, "Bees! We need to run around the outside!" so I abandoned my sheep and ran to the edge of the forest where there were flowers, thinking the bees wouldn't follow me. Then I woke up and felt badly for leaving the sheep behind.

run and run as the rains come

I braided my hair last night, and when I woke up it was straight. Early this morning I had to turn off my bedside fan because I was cold. When I drank my breakfast coffee outside I needed to wear a sweatshirt because it is windy and gray outside. Today = opposite day?

read me your favourite line

I haven't got anything interesting to say. It's hot outside.

Oh, if anybody here likes those historical romance books, or old timey mysteries with a hint of romance, you should request a Georgette Heyer book from the library. (Please note that she writes books in those two separate genres. If you are looking for the mystery and get one of the romances, you will be disappointed. Or maybe not, because she's pretty awesome. If you're looking for the romance and you get one of the mysteries, you will not be disappointed because there is sneaky romance! Surprise!) I can't remember why I got one of her books in the first place, but all of a sudden I am obsessed with her. She is from the early 1900s and I always assume that people were not funny until at least the 1970s, but she is super funny. Her books were published in the 1930s and surrounding eras, so they are a little bit hard to find, but some publishing company is reprinting them all and selling them for exorbitant amounts of money. I, however, went on a used bookstore treasure hunt and found 10 of her books! Five of them together in one giant hardcover volume, but still. It's all very exciting. The guy I bought them from said she sells out very quickly, so if you do request her books from the library and discover her to be as awesome as I am telling you she is, go buy her books from Amazon and leave the used bookstores to me. I say that is the most respectful way possible.

just burying my luck

Planning, talking about, buying for, packing for, and renting an apartment are all in one category. Actually living by oneself, on an island, away from people who know me is a completely different category. I don't think I can actually conceive of how difficult it's going to be for me, at least for the first while. Nobody understands why my move is in two phases, but I'm glad I did it this way. My brain can slowly wrap itself around the concept of moving away. "Why is there no stuff in my room?" "Oh right, it's because all my stuff is in my OTHER room, five hours away. Where I live. By myself."

One time I got a bloody nose while playing tag on Friday the 13th. This other time I broke my ankle most severely on Thursday the 12th, then had reconstructive surgery on Friday the 13th, but I think it all went okay. The elevators in the hospital broke down, but that may have been on the 14th. Probably unrelated.

Possibly related: this morning I woke up on the irritated side of the bed. My hair is bugging me, the taste in my throat from my eye drops is bugging me, my stupid eyeballs are bugging me, my pants are bugging me, my half-empty room is bugging me, consistently typing = instead of - is bugging me.

I think I want to go through every single blog entry and uncapitalize all my titles, but I'm not sure I'll ever have the time. Also, I don't think it's important enough for all the effort it's going to take.

see what you find there

So my moving truck is packed. It feels strange. I think it's not as sad/weird as it could be, since I'm only moving for three days, and then coming home for a week or so, and THEN I am permanently relocating my person. (Permanently for a year, I mean.) This is what I learned:

- moving heavy things makes people cranky
- it's very important to lift with your legs
- don't put ALL your dishes in the same box because it makes it really heavy and uncomfortably fragile
- moving heavy things makes people cranky

One of the things I am looking forward to about living on my own is that when I am not cranky, there will be no one else cranky in my immediate proximity to infect me with their crankiness. (I know this is hypocritical because sometimes I am cranky for no reason without regard for others too, but I am glad that when I wake up happy I will not be confronted with a grouchy person.)

When thinking about my move, it always comes one extreme at a time. Either I focus on all the good stuff and I am excited, or I focus on all the bad stuff and I am freaking out. Why can't I just have one good thought and one bad thought at a time, to balance each other out? Or, several good thoughts and one bad thought? Why is my brain so dumb?

Also my mysterious wrist pain is back. Bad timing, wrist! Please try again in a few days, when I am not required to lift heavy things.

we all look like we feel

Obviously, even though my mother told me to go to bed an hour ago, I am still not asleep. I don't know what I'm going to do when I move away and there is no one to tell me to go to bed. (You guys! Send me emails late at night telling me to go to bed. Then we can stay connected and I will go to bed.)

A tiny bug just crawled across my mousepad, and I am SO PROUD of myself for not slamming my laptop shut and squishing guts everywhere, because I can't afford a new computer right now and I would not be able to use it again after that. On a semi-related note, I read on the internet tonight that even though everyone has heard the statistic about how many spiders you eat while you are sleeping, it's totally not true. Spiders are too smart to be eaten. I am glad to hear this, although the thought of smart spiders makes me uncomfortable. Like that one Three Stooges movie where they go to space for some reason and the first thing they find is this GIANT SPIDER who chases them. Even with poor CGI it's frightening. This is not what I should be thinking of when I am supposed to be asleep.

I am on a never-ending quest for the best songs, and this randomly recently led me to Dashboard Confessional. Remember, from a million years ago? (Band, or just one dude? I'm pretty sure it's just one dude, but I am thrown off by the band name. Side note: he looks nothing like I had pictured.) In the song "Stolen" he says "you are the best one of the best ones," and I think that is the most romantic thing I have ever heard.

easily a hundred times cooler than armageddon (go to bed part 4)

[apparently up too late watching Transformers brings out my sense of justice]

Me: That's not fair. The most bad guy is a jet plane and the most good guy is a semi truck! That's not equal!

Mom: It's not equal at all. Go to bed.

you should stop trippin

Here's the problem. I've got this friend who is a regular patron of the local library. This friend of mine discovered that the library is a good source of movies and tv shows from the BBC, so she started taking out a bunch at a time. Now, this friend of mine, she's never had a problem with late fees. Everything she took out was always returned, in pristine condition, on time. Early, even.

One day, while perusing her library account online, this friend of mine noticed a DVD she'd returned shown as still being checked out. As it was coming due, she panicked a bit and called the library. "It says this DVD is still out, but I returned it!" she said, a beacon of innocence and honesty. The library worker assured my friend that they would look into it, and someone would call her back. A few days went by and there was no word from the library, so my friend checked her online account and noticed that it had been removed from her "Items Out" menu, but had been moved to "Blocks" (which is like "Assorted Notes and Comments" for people who don't frequent their online library account as much as my friend does) with the title: "Claimed Return." CLAIMED. The word struck my friend in my heart like a knife. It was not a claimed return, it was a RETURNED return.

(I will take this moment to let you know about the time my friend returned a book, but the library claimed that she'd lost it, so she marched into the library, took the "lost" book off the shelf, and showed it triumphantly to the librarian. RETURNED return.)

Fast forward in our tale a few weeks. This friend of mine, she updated me: her mother was looking at the family collection of DVDs, and lo and behold she found the DVD my friend was certain she had returned. My friend's mom was apologetic, assuming responsibility for sweeping the rental DVD in with the rest when she was cleaning house.

Here is the dilemma. Does my friend return the DVD to the library, and sheepishly apologize for the misunderstanding, and pay the no doubt EXORBITANT overdue fines? Or does she keep the DVD that the library has already believed to be lost, at no fault of my friend? Or, and this is what I'm thinking I should advise her to do, should she take the DVD to a different library than her usual, and hide it among the other DVDs until some diligent library worker notices it and assumes there has just been some kind of mistake?

My friend would really appreciate your advice on this matter. She told me so.

i tried counting sheep but there's one i always miss

I just popped in to get my sleeping pills that I forgot to take until now (fat lot of good they will do me at this point) and noticed my dog is also awake at this late/early hour. I wish brains came with a sleep button like computers do.

adventures in eye infections, part infinity

I exaggerate: it is actually only part three. But it FEELS like part infinity. Yesterday I looked in the mirror and stared into the eyes of ol' Crusty McBloodshot; instead of panicking because I looked like a zombie, my reaction was more like: "siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh." I've already dealt with this twice in a month, WHAT IS THE PROBLEM. I went to the eye doctor a week or so ago, and she did not foresee this, which I think she should have, considering how long I was there and how much it cost. Friends convinced me that it was only allergies, because in Round One my doctor told me it could be borne of allergies, but this morning my eyes were sealed shut and I knew I had to accept my fate and drive over to the stupid walk in clinic.

Neither the nurse nor the doctor even really inspected me. The nurse asked what I was in for, and I said, "I think I have eye infections," and she squinted at me and said, "Yes you do. The doctor is not in yet, but you'll be the first one she sees." Then the doctor came in and barely looked at me and told me I had eye infections and wrote me a prescription. (I didn't think I looked THAT bad, but apparently I was mistaken.) I asked her what was the cause of all this, and she said, "You've been to so many doctors and you don't know what the cause is? The cause is eye infection." I did not find that helpful. To be on the safe side, I bought all new hypo-allergenic eye make-up and threw away all my other miscellaneous eye make-up. That was a sad moment because make-up is really expensive and I blew all my money on furniture and an apartment.

Also, now I can TASTE my eye drops. Is that normal? Maybe instead of asking you I will call the pharmacy.

i guess i could hang out for a bit...

via xkcd

melting, melting, melting...

Assorted things:

- I am going to have a giant bald spot in the middle/front of my head. Whenever there are hairs longer than my bangs hanging out in front of my face, specifically touching my nose, I pull them out instead of moving them away. I keep doing this. If you notice a bald spot before I do, please do the kind thing and tell me. Or else buy me some headbands and I will get the message.

- I am getting used to wearing a watch! Today only. I was waiting for the library to open, and I kept pulling out my cell phone to check the time, when I realized that I could just turn my wrist ever so slightly and determine the same thing with less effort.

- I had a brilliant idea to even out my farmers tan: don't put sunscreen on the top part of my arm, only the bottom, so the top will tan and the arms will look uniform in pseudo-tan-ness! Flaw: I got a sunburn at the top of my shoulders, so now my shoulders are red, with a giant white strip, and the rest remains in all its farmer's tan glory.

That's it, I think. It's way too hot here. I thought it was supposed to be cooler in the mountains?

actually i'm quite fastidious

I've been drinking water like a fish lately. (Wait. I've heard that expression before, but now that I used it I'm not sure it's correct. Do fish actually drink water, or just live in it? Puzzle.) Usually I drink 1/25 the amount of water a normal person is supposed to drink, and when I drink like I am supposed to I can actually feel it hydrating my brain. I don't know why I am so stupid about drinking water. But I have been recently, and it seems like the more I drink, the thirstier I am. Is that because my body has finally gotten a taste of what it's like to be hydrated, and now it's demanding to be always thus? Or maybe I have some sort of fish-disease. Like that man in Big Fish, who gets so dried out that he has to sit in the tub with all his clothes on.

I am trying to print something, and also download some songs on itunes, and both of those require my stupid old computer. I thought that by accepting how long it was going to take ahead of time, I would be less angry with all the waiting and waiting, but it didn't work. Plus, randomly that itunes decided to reject my ipod, so I finally gave in and "transferred purchases" to the new computer with the new itunes. I've been worried to do that, because I didn't know exactly what would happen. But it's all okay! Except that it deleted all the songs I had copied from my cds, so I have to do that again.

Fascinating, right? But the reason I wanted itunes is because of this guy. It all stems back to when I watched Stranger Than Fiction, and Will Ferrell was playing that acoustic version of "Whole Wide World," and I LOVED it, but could only find the original version from Wreckless Eric. Which is also a good version, but I really liked the slow version. That was several years ago, and then a couple days ago I heard this lovely acoustic version of that song coming from the office, and I yelled to my brother, "WHO IS SINGING THAT WONDERFUL SONG?" and he sent me the link to that guy. So now I finally have an acoustic version of "Whole Wide World," and also some other great songs by him. He sounds a little bit like M. Ward, in my opinion, who is another great musician.

Anyway. Now I'm off to the eye doctor, because I think I need new glasses because I have the eyeballs of an old person.

with the words you've borrowed

I just used the word 'heretofore' in a sentence, and then looked up the definition, and discovered I used it correctly! I think everybody should try and use that word today. It's pretty amazing.

fly this blue ink across the page

I finally started my thirty days of creativity. I waited so long because I wanted to collect all the perfect ingredients for my first task, which took longer than expected. But now it's done! My first project, that is, and also my new blog. I started the other blog to force me into committing to the thirty days. I don't expect people to read it, really, unless you're into crafts or whatever, but I need some sort of accountability. I'm going to be doing actual crafts, as I mentioned, and also working on writing stuff again. It might be fun! So here you go:

All I've Got is Some Thread and This Pen.

happiness outside my window

My favourite things right now:

- my new haircut
- my black and white dress that is lovely
- blueberries
- being productive (in the way of phone calls and appointments, not planning math unfortunately)
- orange toenail polish
- the breeze that keeps the temperature in my comfort zone
- sunshine
- knowing that my semi-colon poster is in the mail on its way to me
- the lady at the eye doctor who made my pink glasses fit perfectly so now I can wear them again


p.s. I put my toe-ring back on. It was too weird to look down constantly and see a naked toe. I think I will try again in the winter, when my feet are encased in socks, so it will be an easier transition.